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Hi.

Our thumbs are basically numb from texting back and forth 24/7 about everything we love (AND HATE) that's happening on our televisions, iPads, and eye glasses (hi, we think we're funny) and we thought WHY NOT SHARE THIS JOY WITH THE WORLD?!  

WHY IS EVERYONE SHIRTLESS & OTHER INQUIRIES (RIVERDALE RECAP)

WHY IS EVERYONE SHIRTLESS & OTHER INQUIRIES (RIVERDALE RECAP)

Episode 3 of season 2, “The Watcher in the Woods,” made a big deal about the woods being the ultimate danger zone, despite the fact that Fred Andrews was seriously injured from a gun at Pop’s Chock’lit Shoppe, and that Ms. Grundy was murdered in her own home in a different town. The only reason why the woods are deemed so dangerous are because of the two teens that were in danger from the Black Hooded Man in the previous episode. I was a little disappointed to see that the two of them turned out fine, aside from the emotional trauma of it. Moose and Midge are fine, folks, and all thanks to Kevin who showed up just in time to help them seek the proper medical attention.

Do kids really hang out in the woods as often as Riverdale is making it seem?

Betty goes all mama bear on bff, Kevin. She really doesn’t want him to go into the woods for his “nightly jogs”. Kevin tells her to back off because for him the woods represent the only place he is allowed to be himself: a gay high schooler who is just trying to be true to himself. This causes some tension between the two, and for all the danger that the woods seem to encompass, lots of people seem to keep going into the woods.

People in the woods: Kevin, Betty (who goes out looking for Kevin), Cheryl (who tattles on Kevin to Betty and apparently takes Betty into the woods because she loves to see friendships ruined), two guys jogging, and creepy older man driver (who offers Kevin a ride home).

Meanwhile, Archie decides to start his own neighborhood watch team composed of teens called the Red Circle. He hands out flyers, and everyone seems on board, even the principal. Well, everyone except the Sheriff (Kevin’s dad).

Archie and the Red Circle start patrolling Riverdale, arming themselves with hand tools in case they come face to face with the Black Hood Man. While they’re out patrolling, Ethel (who I think essentially plays the Barb character in this show) is stalked by a mysterious van. She calls the Neighborhood Watch (Archie & Co) and they come find her.

At some point, Archie has dinner with Veronica and her parents. We all know that Veronica’s father, Hiram, is a terrible person so this can’t end well. Sure enough, Hiram invites Archie to his study alone for some rum (because when your gf’s parents offer you alcohol you say yes). We get to look inside Hiram’s evil lair, I mean study, and WHAT IN THE WORLD, WHY DOES HIRAM HAVE A GIANT PAINTING OF VERONICA OVER HIS DESK?

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Hiram explains: I have her there so she can always watch over me, blah, blah.

Yeah, OK. Getting even more creepy vibes from him.

Hiram does his fatherly duty and tells Archie never to sneak into Veronica’s room again, and then proceeds to plant the seed in Archie’s head about fighting the Black Hood Man with fear… which we will get to in a bit.

Back in the dining room, Veronica’s mom continues to be petty toward her daughter and might also be drunk off wine when she taunts her daughter about not knowing what goes on behind daddy’s closed doors. Veronica, I don’t think you want to know.

At the end of the episode, we see the seed that Hiram planted in Archie’s mind sprout out.

Archie and his Red Circle decided to record a video message to the Black Hood Man. In it, Archie tells this man that he is not feared and that they will defend Riverdale against him. It’s meant to be threatening, but the whole time I can’t stop wondering:

WHY IS EVERYONE SHIRTLESS IN THIS VIDEO AND WEARING RED HATS AS MASKS?

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Archie is fully clothed, but all his teen friends are shirtless. I guess the muscles on these kids is supposed to intimidate the man with the gun?

Shirtless High school Football Players: 0

Black Hood Man with Gun: probably 1

Hiram Lodge: definitely 1

Other Musings:

  • Ms. Cooper receives a letter from Black Hood Man that he wants her to publish. In it we find out his motive is getting rid of the immoral plague that has hit Riverdale. According to him, he targeted the adulterer (Fred Andrews), the pedophile (Ms. Grundy), and the drug-fueled and lustful teens (Moose & Midge). WHO IS UP NEXT? Maybe Polly was right to leave Riverdale. My bet would be on her being one of the possible targets given her wedlock baby.
     
  • Jughead gets into some trouble at Southside High after spending the night redecorating the newly opened office for the school’s newspaper. Can we talk about how Southside High is a part of Riverdale, but the town has just given up on it? I’m super perplexed. Also, NO WIFI? What is this, 2004?
     
  • Who else thinks Archie took McGruff the Crime Dog’s message to “take a bite out of crime” too seriously?
DRINK THE KOOL AID (AMERICAN HORROR STORY RECAP)

DRINK THE KOOL AID (AMERICAN HORROR STORY RECAP)

POSH HOLLYWOOD MIGHT BE A SCAMMER BUT I LOVE HER

POSH HOLLYWOOD MIGHT BE A SCAMMER BUT I LOVE HER