heauxs.jpeg

Hi.

Our thumbs are basically numb from texting back and forth 24/7 about everything we love (AND HATE) that's happening on our televisions, iPads, and eye glasses (hi, we think we're funny) and we thought WHY NOT SHARE THIS JOY WITH THE WORLD?!  

STRANGER FILES AND THINGS: WE MADE IT TO THE DANCE (EPISODE 9)

STRANGER FILES AND THINGS: WE MADE IT TO THE DANCE (EPISODE 9)

We did it! We watched another whole season of a TV show! Boy do we feel accomplished. 2018 better watch out, because we are on a roll. In celebration of our collective feat, let’s relive every glorious, spine-tingling moment through the following summary script, which I found in the Season Finale File.

 Is this the part where the floor opens up and they all fall into the Upside Down?

Is this the part where the floor opens up and they all fall into the Upside Down?

STRANGER THINGS 2: A SUMMARY

Episode 1

Somewhere in Pittsburgh, 1984:
THE POLICE: Stop! We only have two minutes to start a bewildering subplot.
NUMBER 008: I’m one better than James Bond. Fireball!
THE POLICE: … … … [They are speechless because of the fireball.]
NUMBER 008: See you in several episodes, suckers.

Meanwhile, back in Hawkins:
KEITH, THE ARCADE MANAGER: I’m eating cheese puffs to the rhythm of “Whip It” in an arcade, is that enough of an 80’s gut punch?
MAX: Hey, I'm a new redhead skater girl.
DUSTIN: Hey, there you skater girl.
LUCAS: Me too, as long as you don’t have a brother who hates black people.
MAX: Um. For sure.

At the Byers house:
BOB, JOYCE’S NEW BOYFRIEND: I hate scary movies.
JOYCE: Well, things are pretty calm around here. Just don’t ever suggest that I “let something go.”

At the Hawkins National Lab:
LAB GUY: What am I doing with this flame thrower again?
LABMAN PAULREISER: Pretending the portal to the Upside Down is creme brulee. It hates that.

At the Holland home:
MRS. HOLLAND: We hired an investigative reporter to give us some closure about Barbara. What was that Jew’s name again, honey?
MR. HOLLAND: Murray Bauman, dear. More KFC, Nancy?
NANCY: No thanks, I’m full and creeped out.
STEVE: I can still eat, pass them taters.

At a cabin in the woods:
ELEVEN: Stop calling me Shirley Temple.
SHERIFF HOPPER: Then stop having that hair.

Outside at night:
WILL: Ooh, floating confetti. What are we celebrating?
GIANT SKY SPIDER: That everyone but you must die.

Episode 2

In town:
NEIGHBOR 1: Sheriff, my squashes got squashed!
NEIGHBOR 2: Sheriff, my punkins got punked!
SHERIFF HOPPER: Sorry, I’m busy investigating real crimes, like when evil from another dimension eats away at our vege-- WAIT A SECOND!

Meanwhile, on Halloween night:
LUCAS: Who you gonna call?
DUSTIN: Me, I’m a Ghothtbuthter!
MIKE: I wish I could call El.
ELEVEN: [In the black space of her mind.] I’m right here. I’m not touching you, I’m not touching you, so you can’t tell Hopper.

At the cool teen party:
STEVE: Calm down, it’s never good to tell the truth.
NANCY: Too late, I’m drunk and you’re gay.

At the Byers house:
BOB: Let’s blow this popsicle stand and settle down somewhere less intent on destroying our family.
JOYCE: Careful, Bob.
BOB: Your family.
JOYCE: But I have so many wallpaper ideas for this home.

Later, at a garbage can:
DUSTIN: Oh goodie, a dithathter waiting to happen!

Episode 3

In Dustin’s room:
DUSTIN: Hey little trash monthter. I’m going to call you D'artagnan. Dart for short.
DART: Good thing you haven’t seen Gremlins... or like any movie.  
DUSTIN: I’ll keep you thafe and thound in thith thecure bokth.
DART: Like I said.

At the Byers house:
BOB: Step into the Bobmobile, which is what I call my loaner car from Radio Shack. We’ll talk about bullies and it won’t be weird at all.
WILL: Ok, but I’m not gonna call you Dad.
BOB: [Sighs.]

At school:
MR. CLARKE: I’m still here, just teaching away about relevant things.
ELEVEN: Who’s that redhead stealing my thunder? I better do a little Tonya Harding. You’ll all know what that means later.

Later, at the cabin in the woods:
SHERIFF HOPPER: Don’t be stupid.
ELEVEN: Fat sheriff says what?
SHERIFF HOPPER: What?
ELEVEN: I said I wonder where my mom is.
HOPPER: She’s gone. Eat your Eggo salad.

Back at Dustin’s house:
DART: [Whistles nonchalantly as he backs slowly down the driveway.]

Inside Will’s body:
GIANT SKY SPIDER: This looks cozy, I’ll move in.

Episode 4

In the school locker room:
STEVE: You’re new.
BILLY: I’m sweaty.
STEVE: My hair is everything.
BILLY: My hair is everything else.
STEVE: I have never been more turned on in my life.

At the Lab:
LABMAN PAULREISER: And over here is the death portal. Don’t worry, we’re keeping an eye on it. NANCY: Sorry, can you repeat that loudly and slowly and really close to my purse, for no reason?

At the cabin in the woods:
ELEVEN: I bet this box labeled “Hawkins Lab” will connect all the dots to find my mom.  

Meanwhile, in a putrid field:
SHERIFF HOPPER: Let me just jump into this putrid tunnel. Wait, should I tell someone? Nah.

Episode 5

At the Byers house:
WILL: It’s like a memory, but it’s happening now. I can see Sheriff Hopper being eaten by a tentacle vine.
MIKE: You’re a super spy.
WILL: Ooh, more confetti.  

At Dustin’s house:
DUSTIN: Here, Darty Dart. Look at thith trail of tathty bologna that leadth into my fallout shelter. Phew, that wath a clothe one.

At the arcade:
KEITH: Sorry, Max, that game is broken. I’ll take you to a back room where there’s something even better.
MAX: Lucas?
LUCAS: I just wanted to tell you that our friend Will is extra weird because of this incident last year, and not just because his mom is Winona Ryder.
MAX: And I just wanted to tell you, coincidentally, I do happen to have a step-brother named Billy who hates black people.

At El’s Mom’s house:
ELEVEN: What was that, Mom? Can you flicker the lights again? Ok. Loud and clear. Good thing we speak the same dialect of electricity. I will go find my secret lab sister.

In a hotel:
NANCY: Cool beds.
JONATHAN: Cool beds.
NANCY: More than one.
JONATHAN: Definitely plural.

Back at the Byers house:
JOYCE: Let’s go down a putrid hole and see if that’s where Hopper has been hiding himself.
BOB: I’ve always wanted to be a hero.
JOYCE: I know, Bob. I know.

At Murray Bauman’s house:
MURRAY: Here’s my Barb Board. It’s a big board all about the beautiful basics of Barb.
NANCY: Did you hand-weave that red yarn, it’s lovely.

In the putrid hole:
SHERIFF HOPPER: This pile of bones is not a comfortable place to die.
JOYCE: Never fear, Joyce and Bob are here!
LAB GUY: Back up, everyone, I have to make more putrid creme brulee.

Episode 6

At Dustin’s house:
DART: [Whistles nonchalantly as he backs slowly out of the fallout shelter.]

At Murray Bauman’s house:
JONATHAN: We can finally make sweet love.
NANCY: Is it weird that we’re underneath the Barb board? She’s looking at us.
MURRAY: I have never been more turned on in my life.

At the Lab:
WILL: Good morning. I don’t remember anything.  
LABMAN PAULREISER: Hi, Will. Don’t be alarmed, but you’re possessed by a malicious virus with hive intelligence.   
WILL: Everyone should go to the tender center of the putrid tunnel, that’s the best place to fight the evil. [Winks.]  
SHERIFF HOPPER: Why did he wink, is he trying to tell us something?
MIKE: That it’s really a trap?
SHERIFF HOPPER: Good guess, but no. That we should get there even quicker. Move out, boys!

Episode 7

In a stage lot posing as Chicago:
KALI: Welcome to Chicago, sister! I’m number 008 and these are my friends. We’re outlaws, want to help us murder?
DOTTIE: Murder!
FUNSHINE: Murder!
AXEL: Murder murder murder!
MICK: Murder?
DR. BRENNAN: Remember me? Boo, I’m a hologram!
ELEVEN: Look at the time, I have to get back to where the plot is still happening.

Episode 8

At Max and Billy’s house:
SUSAN: I’m Max’s ineffectual mom who married Neil.
NEIL: I’m the abusive dad who explains Billy’s dark soul.

At the Lab:
BOB: I'll take the physical challenge.
LABMAN PAULREISER: Are you sure? You could die.
BOB: I want to help. I’m pretty sure I can handle a broom and a gun.
LABMAN PAULREISER: You’re going to double die.

Two minutes later:
SHERIFF HOPPER: I’m so sorry that Bob double died.
JOYCE: It’s okay, we have to move on. Let's bombard Will with warm memories that will torture the virus.
JONATHAN: Good idea. Hey, Will, remember Castle Byers, where we found your cold, limp body the last time you almost died?
MIKE: Remember kindergarten, and how unpopular we both were?
JOYCE: I think it’s working.

At the Byers house:
ELEVEN: I’m back to save you all again. Also, I learned about eyeliner.
MIKE: I have never been more turned on in my life.

Episode 9

At the Wheeler house:
BILLY: Hey, Mrs. Wheeler. Sweet Reagan/Bush sign. May I come in and get the latest teen gossip? It’s awfully dark out here for hair like mine.
MRS. WHEELER: Please. Yes. Abs. Mommy like. I mean. What? Have some cookies.

Meanwhile:
JOYCE: If we close the gate while my son is possessed it will kill him. I do not stand for that sort of thing.  
LABMAN PAULREISER: What’s the old saying? Starve a fever, feed a cold, brulee a hivemind virus.

In Hopper’s car:
SHERIFF HOPPER: Why do you look like an MTV punk?
ELEVEN: Liquid liner, bitch, what's your excuse?

At the Byers house:
BILLY: That’s it, Steve. Let’s have the grunting face-off we’ve all been waiting for.
STEVE: I regret this babysitting gig.
MAX: Move over, I’ve always wanted to stab him in the neck.

In the putrid field:
EVERYONE: Let’s go down this putrid hole and ruin the vines for good!
DUSTIN: Dart? Ith that you, buddy?
DART: [Whistles nonchalantly as he pretends to not see Dustin.]

At the cabin in the woods:
JOYCE: I am your mother, stop trying to strangle me!
WILL: I can’t help it, I have a giant spider tornado inside me! [A tornado creature flies out of Will’s mouth.] Oh, there it goes. All better.

At the Lab:
LAB GUYS: That’s it, this portal is toast.
LABMAN PAULREISER: Can we stick with the creme brulee metaphor?
ELEVEN: Get out of the way, I’ll take it from here. Per usual.

At the school dance:
DUSTIN: Do I clean up nithe or what?
NANCY: Shut up with that perm and dance with me.
CYNDI LAUPER: If you’re lost you can look and you will find me. Time after time.
DUSTIN: Thankth, Thyndi. Thith thong getth me every time. After time.
WILL: Does everyone see this confetti? Is it for the dance, or…? Guys? Guys?

The End.

Until next time, this has been Stranger Files and Things. Who knows what danger will befall our heroes in the off season...but it will definitely be stranger.

CRASH TEST DUMMIES (BACHELOR RECAP)

CRASH TEST DUMMIES (BACHELOR RECAP)

THANK YOU, DONALD TRUMP

THANK YOU, DONALD TRUMP