WE READ ABOUT SPEIDI'S BABY (AGAIN) SO YOU DON'T HAVE TO
In my last recap of Speidi Spawn, I posited these two crazy kids would name their coming baby Aidan. I was SO CLOSE. They went with Gunner. BECAUSE OF COURSE THEY DID. Gunner Pratt. You know what would've been cooler? Brat Pratt. BAM ZING ZOOM, AMIRITE??!
I had no intention of writing about these dummies again but then I got on a plane and read this story and it was hilarious. The Hills was on 11 years ago and these two foolios are straight up committed to their early twenty something brand where Spencer is an insufferable douche bro and Heidi is a long-suffering Oh Spencer! basic.
Just in case you've forgotten who the hell Speidi is, I like to relive their Hills backstory in 3 gifs:
WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW ABOUT THIS "MIRACLE BIRTH" RIGHT NOW:
- "Delivery rocked thanks to $27,000 in crystals provided by Crystalarium. Surrounding Montag as she gave birth: an amethyst geode to emphasize healing, a pink rose quartz to activate love and a golden citrine to promote prosperity and eliminate stress. 'Gunner first saw his beautiful mother and then looked to his left and saw the most beautiful crystals,' Pratt says, noting the hospital staff complimented the 'amazing' energy."
I still cannot believe Spencer Pratt's chosen career is CRYSTAL DEALER. I really want to read him for dropping the 27k price tag in there but I have to begrudgingly give him credit for like thinking about it? Like trying to make the room nice? The nicest thing my ex husband did during my labor was take a nap and stop talking about himself for 5 minutes. Yes, dear hearts, my push present was a divorce.
- Heidi: "I find myself crying just looking at him. The doctor literally said he's perfect."
Spencer: "I actually heard them refer to him as a superbaby. I swear I did not make that up."
Heidi: "It's true."
Uh, hello, you guys? You know this is just the shit people say, right? I can promise you your baby has done nothing "super" yet. Call me when he explodes a diaper and has shit all up his back. That will be "super."
- Spencer: "Once she started moaning loudly, I was like, 'This is way gnarlier than anything I'm mentally prepared for.'"
You give an inch and they take a mile. Plus one for the crystals, minus 24387293782349 for calling Heidi's vagina "gnarly."
- Heidi got her makeup done while she was having contractions.
- Heidi: "Even my doctor said afterward, 'We couldn't have done it without Spencer.'"
DO THESE PEOPLE LITERALLY HAVE NO IDEA HOW BIOLOGY WORKS? Spencer made his contribution 10 months ago and will probably not do another goddamn thing for the next 20 years.
- "I did almost puke smelling Heidi changing a diaper." -Spencer
IT GIVES ME NO PLEASURE TO BE RIGHT. I know i say men are trash a lot, but like, sorry, they are. Who is 34 years old and quoted in a national magazine that they can't handle the mustard seed poop of a newborn? Do better.
- "We did our first selfie with Enya playing 'Only Time,' which is one of my favorite songs." -Spencer
- "You're not a good parent if you're not trying to get your son set up to potentially get a $250 million gig." -Spencer