THE LIBRARY IS OPEN (RPDR RECAP & BONUS LEGENDARY READERS RANKING)
Look, not liking things is boring. I’m not into it and it’s not my aesthetic. I’m into fangirling with an edge. So Imma just cut to the chase—these queens aren't funny. And for me, unless you're serving REVOLUTIONARY makeup and fashion, this is unacceptable. So I'll talk about this episode, but because talking about the other seasons is, well, just so much more fun, Zane and I teamed up to bring you a ranking of the best RPDR readers of all time, something we can all feel good about. You're welcome.
It's after someone's elimination. I can't even remember. Oh! Aja, girl, it was Aja's elimination. We're in the werkroom and everybody's talking who's won what, and YAWN. Heauxs, there should be some clear frontrunners by now and I can barely remember their names. I can barely tear myself away from swiping Bumble to pay attention. And like, if dudes holding up dead fishes and car selfies are more exciting than beloved drag queens, it's like, wow, we're all really suffering under this Trump presidency, aren't we?
Everybody thinks Farrah's days are numbered. Not sure why?
Ru's got on Elton John's reading glasses! Like literally, Elton uses those for Sunday morning crosswords and it's time for the mini challenge—
THE LIBRARY IS OPEN, DAHLING!
Well, I mean, sort of. Valentina is the most hilarious I guess, but mostly because of her adorable personality than any shade she throws. A lot of people talk about Shea's teeth. Lotta fat jokes towards Alexis and she’s not feeling it. Alexis dealt it though, she said Farrah was a prostitute and that Shea’s teeth were fucked—and neither in a particularly funny way. Or maybe I just don’t get the humor they use on BROOOOOOOADWAY!
Ru announces we're going to roast #MichelleVisage and this should be easy as hell. Michelle is a goddamned clown. This should not be difficult. This is how easy roasting Michelle should be—I asked Zane for a Visage joke and literally in one second she said:
"Michelle Visage considers herself to be the mother of all gay children. I guess that explains her cavernous vagina."
READ FOR FILTH!
(These queens are fucked.)
Alexis wants to go first or last because they’re the hardest positions and she’s from BROOOOOOOADWAY! Then she cries that everyone talked about her weight and she has body image issues. (ROXXXXXXXXY ANDREWS DEALT WITH BUS STOP JOKES WITH GRACE, GIRL, GET YOURSELF TOGETHER.) Nina Bonina tells Alexis she can’t be sensitive this is a comedy challenge, and this is the funniest thing that happens this entire episode.
Again, I'm again getting really distracted by my phone. Where can I buy a good meditation pillow? Are they really like $100 for the cushion and pillow??? Do you know?
Shea says Guadalupe isn’t going to write Valentina’s jokes for her but watching Valentina mumble in espanol to her sainted drag mother is adorable. Yo tengo nada! Peppermint thinks she’s funny, and I’m not sure. She’s lovable. But funny? Let’s hope. Sasha is an INTELLECTUAL and this is worrisome, I guess because everyone else is a dummy? But when she says “mutton dressed as lamb” both Ru and Ross are tickled so I think she’s gonna kill it.
WHAT NO COACHING BY B CROWD COMEDIANS??? Where the hell is Bruce Villanch??? No Kathy Griffin??? I mean I can’t believe Maria Bamford wouldn’t have stopped by and helped these heauxs out? Or what about Marc Maron—WTF and Drag Race are two worlds that need to meet again.
Peppy almost got stuck in Moscow because she was presenting female and her ID is male, and she had to snatch her own wig off her head. It’s a scary story, but again, I don’t know what to say about these PSAs. I believe in representation fiercely. But it just doesn’t feel authentic, it’s like the producers have a white board backstage where they wrote “AIDs” “Bullying” “Russia” “Cancer” "Hemorrhoids" and they’re just crossing them off one by one.
TIME FOR THE ROAST & THERE AIN'T GONNA BE NO RUNWAY DON'T GET YA HOPES UP.
Blah blah Peppy and Sasha are sort of funny and Farrah and Alexis are terrible. Alexis inexplicably paints herself green and has weird tit pads flying out (???). Blah blah Farrah goes home finally blah blah let's talk about some REAL READERS CAN WE PLEASE????????
THE GREATEST READERS IN RUPAUL'S LIBRARY RANKED
5. Willam (Season 4)
"Chad Michaels, you so old, you're still on Myspace.com Chad Michaels!"
"Dida Ritz, I don't know if that's Hot Couture or Hot Cou-torn 'cause there's holes in that shirt!"
"Phi Phi, you are gorgeous, you catch the camera's eye from the right, but from the left, you snag it!"
4. Darienne Lake (Season 6)
To BenDeLaCreme: "You remind me of a Russian doll, full of yourself."
"Milk, your beauty and fashion is listed right on the side of your carton under 'Missing.'"
"Adore Delano, I'm going to say this very slowly so you can understand. You're dumb."
"Laganja! You're not yourself today. I noticed the improvement immediately."
3. Latrice Royale (Season 4)
"Jiggly Caliente, BMW... Body Made Wrong!"
Phi Phi O'Hara, "Although reading is fundamental darling, you want to spell first, you illiterate fuck!"
"Willam, Miss Industry, congratulations on your new role as the Big Bad Wolf, by the hair on your chinny chin chin!"
"Sharon Needles, two words, sideshow freak!"
(Latrice also laughs uproariously at everything everyone says. She wins the challenge obviously.)
2. Alaska/Katya (All Stars 2)
You know we love them both and can’t stand to put one over the other, unless they want it that way.
"Ginger Minj, in my eyes, the true winner of season seven of TLC's I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant!"
"Roxxxy Andrews, I think about you all the time. Especially in the morning, at the bus stop."
"Phi Phi O'Hara, since you've fixed your snaggletooth, I'll just talk about your face. You're ugly."
"Detox, you're so seductive, but unfortunately it's illegal to do it with you because most of your parts are under 18 years of age."
To Roxxy: “Obviously a diet consisting of nothing but hatred for Jinx Monsoon does a body good.”
"Alyssa Edwards, Miss US- oh wait."
1. Jujubee (Season 2)
To Tyra: "Is your barbecue cancelled? Because your grill is fucked."
To Jessica Wild in Laotian realness, “You have a dog face.”
To Raven: "Legendary? More like Legs and Dairy."
Delta tells Yara Sofia chupacabra sightings have gone up since she arrived.
Pandora tells Jessica Wild she looks like a donkey fucked a pinata and threw up.
Jocelyn Fox tells Darienne Lake “You sit reverse cowgirl on the toilet so you can have a flat surface to eat off of.”
Alyssa Edwards' one word reads on All Stars 2. Gutted, Rotted, Gila Monster. BEAST!
Hall of Shame
Tyra “I don’t read” Sanchez
PhiPhi O’Hara (x2)
La Ganga Estranga (stupid eyeball glasses)
All of Season 9