heauxs.jpeg

Hi.

Our thumbs are basically numb from texting back and forth 24/7 about everything we love (AND HATE) that's happening on our televisions, iPads, and eye glasses (hi, we think we're funny) and we thought WHY NOT SHARE THIS JOY WITH THE WORLD?!  

HEY, QUEENS! WE'RE TALKING RUPAUL'S DRAG RACE FINALE

HEY, QUEENS! WE'RE TALKING RUPAUL'S DRAG RACE FINALE

We don't know about you ladies, but WE LADIES have been resting on a fainting couch since the finale aired a few days ago. I felt surprise, shock, delight, all the steps of grief, I broke out into a sweat, and ate three pizzas, a salad, and a box of fudgesicles (my favorite). Instead of our usual recap we thought we'd hash out the episode together ... ERE GOES!

JEREMY: What did you think of the finale overall? Did Sasha deserve to win? 

ADRIENNE: When Sasha stepped onto the stage dressed like a queen from a very expensive deck of cards you’d buy in a museum souvenir shop in Paris, I was like YASSSSSS. Sasha had some amazing set pieces during her lip syncs that really sealed the win for her.  Shea was just kind of dancing around in tall boots and Sasha was ripping off a wig in romantic desperation while rose petals were flying everywhere. IT WAS A MOMENT. Her look for the final lip sync was EVERYTHING and she really served, again, some romantic Whitney Houston desperation that just WERKED. I think she benefitted from never having lip synced on the show because she really exceeded any expectations of her. Her makeup looked great, her lewks were stunning, and her theatricality ruled. So based on last night, she definitely deserved to win.

JEREMY: You know how I hate being dramatic. (It's OK to have a laugh attack now). BUT. This might be the greatest gif of all MF time. I've watched it for a solid hour (maybe more). I just needed you all to know, sorry, back to the episode.

ADRIENNE: And like this new finale format is the one Season 9 VH1 changed that really worked, right? It was exciting!

JEREMY: I agree with every single breath of this. I came expecting the same old finale with those long far away shots and a lot of crowd noise. There was some of that FOR SURE, but this new lip sync component really kicked the show up a notch. It felt exciting and fresh. I was also 100% expecting Shea to walk away with the crown. I love Sasha, but really didn’t believe she could pull it off. She MURDERED those lip syncs. MURDERED. She also MURDERED her three looks. Like she nuked that shiz. Those gorgeous red lips, those fabulous outfits … it made up for a pretty MEH season. I almost forgot that I’ve been asleep since Valentina left the show. ANNNNNND speaking of Valentina, when Sasha came out with her face basically covered and tore up that lip sync … I was like HIGH FIVE GIRL. THAT was a read from the Gods. I loved every second of it.

ADRIENNE: FROM THE GODS! That mask was SO MUCH BETTER than that jankety red number.

ZANE: I second all these emotions. I will admit to being shocked as shit that Sasha won (spoiled as I was by Facebook two hours before it even aired here.). I had anointed Shea as the winner for weeks, so here's to surprise. Sasha was super magical and killed it with her looks. And in hindsight, she had that Alaska in season five, cruising vibe that worked for her. Plus I thought she was super clever and charming in her interview section. Papa Velour won my heart, as well.

That mask, though.  My god.  She was like a terrifying fashion alien here to rule over us all. I, for one, welcome our new overlord.  

ZANE: What did you think of the other finalists?

ADRIENNE: I’ve decided I really like Trinity and really respect her work ethic and commitment. The only issue is that her looks feel regional and dated. But also like, not dated enough. Like her lip sync leotard was very Orlando, early aughts? But like if she had worn one of those amazing GLOW leotards, she’d have a real throwback lewk to talk about.

ADRIENNE: Shea was a little forgettable for me, which is unfortunate because I like Shea. But she didn’t really have any magic moments for me. Peppermint had a good showing, especially with her dress / wig reveal spin combo. But she got owned by Sasha during the final performance and her dress was ugly.

ZANE: Peppermint really gave a masterclass in lip syncing in that first performance. Trinity, whom I also respect and admire, attacked the song from the jump and didn't let it build. When Peppermint twirled that wig off, OH BOY did I fucking hoot in delight. I kicked my leg in joy!  

ZANE: I hated Shea’s outfit. Hated it. She had man chest. She didn't have fire!  She fizzled. Sad to see that, but maybe all the dead relative talk knocked the wind out of her sails.

JEREMY: I totes agree. I really loved all four girls in the finale. Trinity’s drive is inspiring and I love her commitment. Her looks were alright, but did feel cheap to me, and less sophisticated than what the other girls where bringing. Shea was 100% on or 100% off all season. She either killed it or put me to sleep. I thought her looks on the finale were aiiight … and that might have been a knife to the heart for her. Peppermint … mmmmm I love her personality but I never thought her fashion was up to par with the other girls. I liked her first look let’s call it a lollipop gang fantasia situation … but then it felt tired. That spin out gown change wig switch was jaw dropping but the fashion was a C+ AT BEST. Sasha … I’m repeating myself here but she murdered with her looks and lip sync. She really showed us Charisma Uniqueness Nerve and TALENT.

ZANE: I hope they keep this format. I thought it was exciting and fresh. It seemed less like a forgone conclusion as previous finales.

ADRIENNE: ALSO DID YOU SEE CYNTHIA LEE FONTAINE’S WIG? They must help these queens prepare for the finale because that wig was awesome and she’s never looked this good one day in her life. 

JEREMY: YO DUDE. It was clear they have a bigger budget and they were helping all of those girls live their very best lives. EVERYONE looked the VERY BEST they had ever looked on the show (or ever in their lives) even Kimora Lee Simons (or whatever her name is) looked good. That wig you’re talking about was everything. I want it right now.

ADRIENNE: AND HOLY SHIT NINA BONINA BROWN! Who convinced her not to come out as a skeleton or barnyard creature?? She looked pretty great, right? Though I wouldn’t have minded seeing her come out as an elevated barnyard creature. Like get a costumer from Lord of the Rings up in there. I guess they decided this would be more shocking and it was.

JEREMY: HOLY. SHIT. I’m still stunned that she looked like a real live human person. She might also have gotten herself some medication because she almost looked happy. That bitch is so sad always. I CANNOT.

ZANE: I was proud of Nina for going as a human woman.  And proud of Cynthia and all of them. The finale is the time when they look the best they have ever looked. As Heauxs’s Drag Race herstorian, I feel compelled to note that waaay way back, in season 2, Raja helped Shangela get ready for her finale appearance and Shangela acted like an asshole, which was a source of animosity between Raja and Shangela during season 3.  Call me Sasha Velour for being so informative.  

ADRIENNE: I LOVE HTAT YOU KNOW THAT. So, big questions, are you on or off Team Valentina?

JEREMY: I am still team Valentina. She’s a spoiled little Millennial but I can’t help it I love her whole Ms. Universe vibe. I’m into it.

ADRIENNE: I’m not sure if I’m on or off anymore. I loved her when she was on the show, but when she was like, “I’m Selena,” I was like GURL. And I’m not in favor of anyone who’s just like, oh, I have no agency, I can’t control my fans. GURL HAVE SOME PRINCIPLES. Follow Roxane Gay on Twitter and figure that ish out.

ZANE: Controversy at last: FUCK VALENTINA. She’s a brat and a garbage girl. Apparently her fans use the n-word at Nina. She came off as a real smiling sociopath during the reunion. I’ll admit, I was charmed by her, but her unwillingness to study for her lip sync doomed her in my professor's eyes. And she seems so fake. I think the fact that this overly loving cast turned on her reflects her dead soul. Plus, she made Farrah Moan cry. We don’t need that in our lives. But hey, let her PhiPHi herself in All Stars 3! That will be entertaining.  

Do you think Sasha can stand up with the other RPDR winners?

JEREMY: Hold on. I can't type, I'm putting some aloe vera on my burns after Zane just light Val on fire.  LOL I love Sasha. I like that she’s SMART AF. That for me made her a little next level. She got all braniac with her shit and her drag felt layered and complex.

ADRIENNE: I like Sasha too and she really turned it out at this finale. I’d like to see her compete against Katya, Alaska, Detox, and Alyssa though. Because those queens are EPIC.

ZANE: Well, she’s no Violet Chachki. LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL j/k. My husband just said: Sasha is the future of drag, all of those girls are the past. So...he’s Team Sasha.

JEREMY: CAN WE TALK ABOUT RU’S WHOLE THING THIS SEASON? She apparently lost her longtime makeup person. She looked good because SHE ALWAYS LOOKS GOOD. BUT. Maybe it’s time for somebody else?

ZANE: Here’s what I said: she looked old. It was just for one second, but it was there. She looked like an old lady. That dress was so confusing to me. It was like math. I did not understand. You know, Raven has been doing her makeup this season and Darienne Lake is doing her wigs, after Mathu Anderson did or did not dip a wig in the sink and slap it on Ru’s head. Did that happen? I don’t know. Does it upset me and titillate me at the same time? WHY YES IT DOES.  

JEREMY: Her wig line was back and forth and all over. Her makeup might have been a little off. AND THAT LOOK AT THE FINALE. It was some sort of Beach House Barbie situation. I felt like her look at the last “real” episode was hotter than this. She had that spiky white gown and that white wig … way hotter than this silk housedress.

ADRIENNE: I totally agree, that finale dress was ugly. Pretty awesome how everyone had to COME OUT HER MOUTH tho!

 

YOU GUYS. I thought we'd never make it. I was certain that Momma Ru would get out all her wigs and dresses and light them on fire while canceling the show. BUT HERE WE ARE on the other side. It was an excellent finale, so good I feel alright about the mess of a season we had to sit through for months and months. Maybe it's all this Chicago sunshine. I for one cannot wait for ALL STARS. You know who's gonna be there, right Shea, Trinity, and Ms. Peppermint. Get ready.

WHAT ARE WE EVEN GONNA DO WITH OUR LIVES NOW. Thank God we started a book club. Hi. That's a shameless plug... Watch for updates.

DONALD TRUMP'S AMERICA (BACHELORETTE RECAP)

DONALD TRUMP'S AMERICA (BACHELORETTE RECAP)

SONJA'S BOYFRIENDS, TINSLEY'S HAIR, & WINE (RHONY RECAP)

SONJA'S BOYFRIENDS, TINSLEY'S HAIR, & WINE (RHONY RECAP)