MY MILKSHAKE BRINGS ALL THE MURDERERS TO THE YARD (RIVERDALE RECAP)
If you’re like me and binged on the entire first season of Riverdale when it was released on Netflix, then you must also be struggling to see it weekly. So chances are, you too were behind two episodes like me! Chances are also likely that you were completely suckered into this gritty version of the Archie comics.
Season one of Riverdale can be summed up as:
Rich dad murders teenage son while twenty-something year olds actors pretend that they look high-schooled age and go around without parental supervision trying to solve various mysterious plot threads in the small, quaint town of Riverdale.
Season two of Riverdale (the first two episodes) can be summed up so far as:
The adults of Riverdale are terrible people, except for Archie’s dad, he’s cool. Oh yeah, and Pop’s milkshakes bring all the murderers to the yard.
When we left Riverdale last season, Archie’s dad (Fred Andrews) got shot by a man in a black ski mask at Pop’s Chock’lit Shoppe. The first episode, “A Kiss Before Dying”, picks up right after that with Archie (who apparently has never driven a car) able to rush his dad to a hospital where nurses still wear outdated outfits rather than sensible scrubs.
Fred Andrews is stuck in a coma where he is trapped in a terrible dream loop where he keeps experiencing all of Archie’s life milestones that he will not see because these dreams keep telling him that he is dying. Spoiler alert (if that’s possible within a recap): Fred Andrews doesn’t die. However, his dreams kept making me think that Barry Allen from fellow CW TV show, The Flash, was going to make a cameo and change Riverdale’s timeline.
While his dad is on the verge of death, Archie has hot steamy shower sex with his boo, Veronica because we all deal with our emotions differently! He then proceeds to lose his shit when Veronica, ever trying to be helpful, sorts out his dad’s bloody clothes and the wallet is missing.
Jughead and Betty go on a little side mission back to Pop’s Chock’lite Shoppe to try and find Fred’s missing wallet. Pop is cleaning up a puddle of blood from the floor and proceeds to ask the two if they want something to eat. Pop then presumably puts the mop down and goes to the sink to wash his hands while singing happy birthday to himself to ensure that his hands are washed properly before then making them their food. Jughead and Betty then presumably eat their meals while the puddle of blood is still present.
Back at the hospital, Archie is about to open up to Veronica about his trauma (I mean he did witness his dad get shot) when Jughead and Betty return and this time bring enough food from Pop’s to feed their entire school as anyone who is anyone showed up to the ER to support Archie.
Oh, and I forgot Cheryl Blossom was also at the hospital with her burned rich mama. Cheryl continued down her spiral of craziness by telling her hospitalized mother that she is in charge, and that if her mom is breathing, it is because she is allowing her to breathe. Don’t you remember having the “I’m allowing you to breathe after setting our house on fire” conversation with your mom when you were growing up? I sure do!
Anyway, I’m sure other relevant things occur in between this and OH HEY MS. GRUNDY GETS MURDERED AT THE END OF THE EPISODE BY A MAN IN A BLACK SKI MASK. Incase you forgot, Ms. Grundy was the music teacher that was totally boning Archie back in season one until she got run out of town by the parental units instead of getting arrested for being a pedophile. You know why deal with a child predator when you can just pass her onto another town, and they can deal with her, right?
Moving onto episode two, “Nighthawks”, Betty and Veronica team up to try and save Pop’s Chock’lit Shoppe because who would’ve guessed that people don’t want to eat anymore at a place where someone almost got murdered. Do they save it? Kinda, sorta, not really? Veronica’s ex-con (white collar crime, though because that makes a difference, I guess) of a father played by a handsome Mark Consuelos ends up contributing a huge chunk of change as a donation to Pop’s business. In a twist (not really) it turns out that he actually bought the place out and owns it, but is pretending it was a charitable donation. The real twist is that Pops is playing along with the charade. Congratulations Riverdale writers, you finally turned the only adult (aside from Mr. Andrews) in Riverdale that I liked into a terrible person, too! Pops was the wholesome shop owner we needed, and now he’s in Mark Consuelos’ pocket!
Other things in this episode that happened that made all of the adults terrible people:
- Veronica’s mom lies and tells Veronica that she wrote a letter threatening herself instead of Mark Consuelo.
- Veronica’s mom also doesn’t like giving to charitable causes, as she wasn’t onboard with the donation to Pop’s until she found out they would actually be the new owners.
- Betty’s mom tells her daughter that she’s responsible for making Riverdale into a crime ridden town, after she observes drug deals happening at Pop’s during the SAVE POP’S EVENT.
- Cheryl’s burned mama refuses to testify that she forgives FP Jones for not murdering her son because I don’t know?
Oh, yeah, I forgot, two random and minor characters got murdered at the end of episode two by, you guessed it: a man in a black ski mask! We could make our own CLUE game out of this season!
Riverdale has a new drug on the market that’s hot with the teens called JINGLE JANGLE, and I nearly lost it. I half expected for Jonah Hill and Channing Tatum to show up in their 21 Jump Street get-ups. I mean all these other actors are pretending to be in high school, Hill and Tatum’s undercover antics would fit right in. I would totally see a Riverdale and 21 Jump Street crossover.
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