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Hi.

Our thumbs are basically numb from texting back and forth 24/7 about everything we love (AND HATE) that's happening on our televisions, iPads, and eye glasses (hi, we think we're funny) and we thought WHY NOT SHARE THIS JOY WITH THE WORLD?!  

THERE'S NO I IN PARTOUZE (RHONY RECAP)

THERE'S NO I IN PARTOUZE (RHONY RECAP)

Day breaks on the bucolic slopes of Vermont and the Housewives of New York open their surgically altered eyes, their mohair lashes from the previous night still clinging to their Juvédermed cheeks, the Xanax they popped before bed casting an ethereal glow over the luxury ski lodge. It is time for breakfast.

Record scratch...Barely a moment after sitting down for eggs and avocado toast, Sonja Morgan, who used to boink Luann’s husband, Tom, declares that she is “transitioning” to understanding that Luann and Tom are really married. It takes time to adjust to a newly married couple when one of the partner’s preferred modes of travel is humping random women from one place to the next.

Luann, aghast with all this talk of transition asks, “What does Sonja think we have to transition to? A partouze?” (which Bravo kindly defines for the viewer as the French word for threesome). I speak French and I’m pretty progressive but I’ve never heard the word partouze. I believe that to know the word partouze is to have participated in partouze and I am confident that Luann is well-versed in the wild ways of partouz...ing

Then the ladies bundle up in red ski jackets, likely mandated by Bethenny to match Skinny Girl™ red, and hit the slopes.

Here’s a fun fact: There are different types of snow that only rich people can see. Ramona is not a fan East Coast skiing because the snow is powdery on top and icy underneath, just like the coked-up socialites she hangs with.  But she suffers through the peasant snow and finds herself a hot young ski instructor to sexually harass for the day.

Bethenny rides the ski gondola with her Skinny Girl™-branded snowboard because nothing says low-cal margaritas like January in Vermont. She gazes out pensively and wonders how long it will be until she can brand the ski hill, the State of Vermont, and winter itself with her Skinny Girl™ logo. “Someday, I will replenish the earth’s resources with Skinny Girl™,” she whispers.

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The ladies ski down the mountain and Ramona is worried that Tinsley is following too closely. Tinsley feels attacked and rightfully so. Because Tinsley, who is on an intravenous drip of antidepressants and Tito’s Vodka, is not even on a ski hill. She’s in a Jo-Ann Fabric’s and “Oh God, how did I get in here??? I was an IT girl for fuck’s-sake.”  

Meanwhile, back at the ski lodge, Carole and Dorinda read in Page 6 that Bethenny's ex was arrested for harassing Bethenny. This story line is especially sad because Bethenny has a child, but let’s remember compared the arrests, domestic abuse, and SUICIDE that characterize many other Real Housewives franchises, Bethenny’s divorce drama is like a comedy of errors set to Yakety Sax.

The ladies finish their ski run and meet up with Dorinda and Carole for après-ski drinks. Ramona forces her adolescent ski instructor to partake and flirts with him by ordering him around because she’s from the relationship school of “if you love someone, treat them like the underpaid help who sleep in a cabinet in your storage space.”

We end the day back in the luxury lodge where dinner is catered by a group of chefs that Ramona found on the mountain and likely drugged, kidnapped, and forced into hard labor. Everything looks divine so the ladies try to ruin their evening by playing Truth or Dare.

Truth: Tinsley had anal sex with her ex-husband. Dorinda believes that anal sex between women and men is unacceptable. I call having sex with a lewd aggressive cokehead unacceptable but Dorinda doesn't seem to have a problem with it.

Luann groans that she doesn’t like to talk about anal at the table. I bet Lu Lu had no problem talking about anal when it was just step three in her 12-step partouze program, but okay, someone get the former countess a fainting couch.

Truth: Carole had sex with George Clooney and it was nice. Honestly, this makes me gain way more respect for George Clooney.

Truth: Ramona doesn’t count oral sex as sex because she’s a good Catholic girl. I would expect nothing less from Ramona or Catholics.

Luann tells the ladies that she feels lucky that she’s married and doesn’t have to partake in hookup culture anymore. Dorinda seethes because Luann’s newly-married shtick is condescending and judgmental, especially given that she spent the better part of her 20s, 30s, and 40s partouzing her way to orgasm.

Sonja makes a toast where she insults Dorinda and Luann and the ladies laugh because who else could stand their vile, petty behavior but each other. That’s what friends are for.  

GET READY FOR GAME OF THRONES

GET READY FOR GAME OF THRONES

TOUR OF THRONES

TOUR OF THRONES