SNATCHED (RHOC RECAP)
Tonight, RHOC became not the first, not the second, not the third, but the FOURTH Real Housewives Franchise to feature ‘vaginal rejuvenation’ therapy. I think it’s the Nouveau Riche’s way of showing they’ve arrived. “How can I prove to all these socialites that I’ve pulled myself out of foreclosure and am living in the lap of luxury. I know! I’ll tighten my vaginal walls! Then they’ll have to accept me.”
But first, we start the episode with nails-on-a-chalkboard personified Kelly Dodd and her douchey husband, Michael. Kelly tells Michael that she could be friends with Shannon if Tamra didn’t keep coming in the middle and stirring the pot. I’m sure Kelly's broken friendship with Shannon is Tamra’s fault and has nothing to do with the fact that Kelly made fun of Shannon’s weight and called her a c--t.
Michael agrees with Kelly because the couple that is crazed together stays together (because no one else will love them).
Later, Lydia’s mother, Judy--the fanciest pothead you’ll ever meet--throws a movie-premiere-themed birthday party for Lydia’s son, Stirling. Naturally it costs upwards of $10,000 and seems to feature more adults than kids because what’s the point of even throwing a kid’s party if you can’t rub your opulence in the face of friends and frenemies. Peggy and Diko arrive at the party looking like royalty among human garbage (the adults, not the kids) and when Kelly learns that Diko owns a luxury wheels company, she rasps in a sexy voice that he can change her wheels anytime and everyone pukes inside their mouths except for Judy because weed cures nausea. Judy dumps glitter over the guests and probably feeds the kids weed brownies.
At the party, Peggy meets Vicki and reveals that she just had a double mastectomy. Vicki promises to support Peggy through this trauma and then tells the camera in her interview that “after the situation with Brooks faking cancer, health issues should be kept private.”
EARTH TO VICKI. Brooks didn’t have health issues, well physical at least. He was sick in the head and it had nothing to do with cancer. Don’t ever compare sweet, beautiful Peggy to the tire fire that was Brooks. Peggy is fighting cancer, Brooks was a human cancer. There’s a difference.
Then we’re off to Extreme Makeover: Vag Edition. Vicki accompanies Kelly to vaginal rejuvenation therapy. They smell smoke and burning flesh which may be the ‘rejuvenation’ or it may be that these women are actually living in their own self-imposed hell and burning flesh is very on-brand for hell.
Next up, Shannon teaches her daughter Sophie to drive and oh my god I developed anxiety by proxy. Shannon promises to be calm and not to talk too much and then proceeds to screech like a banshee the entire drive. It’s a miracle they’re both still alive. And not because of the driving. If I were Sophie, I would have murdered Shannon and then taken my own life so I could finally have some peace and quiet.
Meanwhile in Snoozeville, USA, Meghan is having Kelly over to meet her baby. She reveals that she insulted Kelly a few months ago by texting Kelly to ask if she was dating anyone because she saw a rumor on Twitter. Kelly handled the situation as only she knows how, by texting a seven-month pregnant Meghan that her husband, Jim Edmonds, was having an affair. Kelly comes over for cheese and baby cuddles and they don’t mention any previous pettiness because these women like to handle their business maturely by talking about it in interviews on BravoTV.
Meanwhile, in literally the saddest storyline since last week, Tamra is preparing to give a speech at an event for Erasing Family--a documentary on how divorce can tear families apart. Tamra is still estranged from her daughter and spends the rest of the episode weeping to her son Ryan (who weeps back), her dad, and then the room of Erasing Family strangers about how sad life can be.
Which is another way of saying this episode ended on much happier note than last week.