AN EMBARRASSMENT OF RICHES (RHOBH PREMIERE RECAP)
REJOICE! The richest housewives are back! And while the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills are older, their faces stay frozen in time. Rage, rage against the dying of the light, ladies.
The season premiered against the backdrop of Trump’s Tax Plan, which is divinely poetic. If you thought this tax bill only benefitted old rich white men, RHOBH is a loving reminder that these adorable botox-filled, Xanax popping battle-axes will also have a few extra million to spend on diamond-encrusted hip replacements. Is America great again, or what???
The RHOBH taglines are very on-brand--just your run-of-the-mill unabashed showboating about excessive wealth:
Erika: “Some people call me cold, but that’s not ice. It’s diamonds.” Actually, it’s that you’re emotionally distant and you married a 600-year-old man who gives you private jets in exchange for bee-jays. But sure, the diamonds.
Dorit: “I believe in an excess of everything… except moderation.” Wut? The second part of the tagline is implied in the first part. This tagline is excessive.
Lisa Rinna: “I don’t have to buy it, ‘cause I already own it.” Lisa spent her opening shot trying to trap a rat that has been living in her house, so maybe this is her admitting that she’s a hoarder.
Lisa Vanderpump: “The queen of diamonds always has an ace up her sleeve.” WE GET IT. YOU’RE ALL VERY RICH!
Kyle and (new girl) Teddi’s taglines focus on being good people, so I don’t give AF about that.
Now to recap, we ended last season with Erika feuding with Dorit and her husband, PK (a literal swamp monster) because he looked up her skirt when she wasn’t wearing underwear.
Dorit is also feuding with Lisa Rinna, because Lisa accused her of hosting a coke party.
And everyone is still incredibly rich. Now back to Season 8.
Erika Girardi/Erika Jayne is having a moment. She’s so busy that she needs her own office, which looks like a high end boutique from the set of The Young & The Restless. She was parodied on SNL, which signaled to her that she’s part of the zeitgeist. And she has successfully adopted the aesthetic of Baby Spice meets Effie Trinket. Brava, Erika. You’ve arrived.
Lisa Rinna is also having a moment as a momager of two disaffected teenage models. She is still very committed to calling her husband by his full name. Harry Hamlin. Harry. Hamlin. HAR.EE. HAM. LYNN. And don’t you forget it. She confesses that even though her daughters are now successful models, she wants them to stay humble and grounded. Then she promptly orders a home health concierge to administer vitamin drips for the entire family and cortisone shots for her daughters’ pimple. Clearly, she’s still Lisa from the Block. Also, Harry Hamlin.
Meanwhile, Kyle and Lisa Vanderpump grab lunch and Kyle reveals that she’s planning a fabulous Las Vegas birthday party for Lisa R, Erika, and Dorit. Sure, these women hate each other but Kyle wants to go to Vegas, goddamn it, and when has a Real Housewives trip not been a healing, beautiful experience?
Kyle also brings along her new Birkin Bag to lunch to show the viewers that even though her tagline is all about friendship (“In this town, fame and money come and go, but friends should not”) she can still run with these vapid Heauxs.
Across town, Dorit accompanies her son Jagger to a music class at the home of Teddi Mellencamp. Yes, that Mellencamp. The daughter of John Cougar Mellencamp. Firstly, Jagger’s speech has improved so much since last season and I feel genuinely proud of this little boy. Let us pray he’s all Dorit and zero PK. Amen.
Dorit and Teddi hit it off probably because their kids are named Cruz, Slate, and Jagger. I presume the uber wealthy can no longer slap a Von onto their last name to signal their wealth to each other. Now they must use names solely based on ThunderCats characters.
Dorit also uses “whilst” in a sentence, lest we forget that she lived in England for a year. We then learn that Teddi met her now-husband on a one-night-stand, which seems very Mellencamp of her. Or so I think. To be honest, the only John Cougar Mellencamp song I know is “Jack and Diane” and I have no idea what the lyrics mean but it’s probably about meeting your spouse on a one-night-stand. Also Teddi’s husband is named Eddie. Eddie and Teddi? Was it the rhyme that sealed the deal on boinking? Also he looks like a stretched-out version of Eddie from #RHOC. And also maybe, Eddie, the ex-husband of Brandi Glanville. GET OUT OF MY HEAD, EDDIES.
Dorit sets up a lunch where Lisa V and Teddi meet because they both love riding horses. How very rich person of them. No one eats anything and Lisa pries a bit into Teddi’s life and they fawn over their love of horses. Standard multimillionaire small talk. Then they invite Teddi to Vegas. Teddi--don’t get on that plane. Once you go on a group trip on Real Housewives, you can never un-go on a group trip and those trips ruin lives. Don’t get on that...she’s getting on the plane...Have fun! Say hi to Celine Dion for me.
Deep inside her cavernous closet, Erika and her assistant Mikey are curating her Vegas outfits. Mikey picks out a flashy shirt for travel so that Erika can have a “plane moment”. Boy, please. Plane moments are made up of sweatpants and pretzel crumbs and my crying toddler insisting we read Llama Llama Red Pajama, not bedazzled smocks. Erika also tells us cogs about the importance of always having an overdone lip. She values a good “Dick-Sucking Lip”. So does her husband...Hey-o! I mean, gross. He’s so so so old and I hope they don’t have sex anymore.
The Housewives, plus Camille Grammer and minus Lisa Rinna (who is in NYC with her very humble daughters), touch down in Vegas and are shepherded off to the presidential suite at the Palazzo so they don’t have to fraternize with the unwashed masses. The women get all sexed-up for their night on the town and everyone is getting along swimmingly until the door bursts open and in walks Lisa Rinna dressed in Hot Topic Couture and ready to sling unfounded rumors. But not before she mentions Harry Hamlin 100 more times.