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Hi.

Our thumbs are basically numb from texting back and forth 24/7 about everything we love (AND HATE) that's happening on our televisions, iPads, and eye glasses (hi, we think we're funny) and we thought WHY NOT SHARE THIS JOY WITH THE WORLD?!  

FLAT BABY MARC (RHOA RECAP)

FLAT BABY MARC (RHOA RECAP)

We start en medias res so NeNe and Porsha are still screaming at each other over dinner in San Franciso. But, like is there a fancy Latin phrase for opening in the middle of drunk women screaming? And…clamans inebriabo medio mulierum - thank you Google translate!

NeNe and Porsha go back and forth arguing about who said mean things about who and it’s so interesting because they’re actually talking about the show without being able to say “Yes, bitch, I got you hired on The Real Housewives of Atlanta, that Bravo show that we are currently filming!” 

And then NeNe decides that she doesn’t give a shit and starts actually yelling out loud that she’s the reason that Porsha is on the show. FIRST RULE OF THE SHOW IS DON’T TALK ABOUT THE SHOW. Marlo tries to shut it down by putting a hand over NeNe’s mouth, but NeNe is super slippery and keeps escaping Marlo’s grip as she gets up to leave.

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Most of the women leave with NeNe, and then we’re treated to a shot of NeNe screaming “The door is closed!” in an elevator where the door is literally closed. Like, Porsha can’t hear you, you’re in a moving elevator, stop screaming. Shereé is the only one who stays back to comfort Porsha who is now crying because everyone hates her because she’s boring and lame. 

Back at the hotel room, Kandi is pissed that they left before the food arrived. I would be annoyed to, like, “I get it, you hate each other, but are we doing Postmates or what?” NeNe holds court and explains that she only said that Porsha should be fired on Watch What Happens Live because Andy Cohen asked her to pick who should be fired from their show and then she did.

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NeNe says that she’s sick of Porsha acting like she’s a tiny baby when she’s actually 40 years old. WHAT? WHAT THE SHIT? I run to the Googles and find out that she is 36 years old, which is older than I thought but also is not 40. But then Google just up and gives me Porsha’s net worth which, I didn’t ask, but sure. You guys, it’s $500K and that is more than I have but also THAT IS NOT VERY MUCH.

Next morning, Shereé, Cynthia, and Marlo meet up in Marlo’s room where she has it laid out like it’s Bergdorf Goodman my gawd. How is the cleaning lady supposed to dust?

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Porsha talks to her mom about how NeNe’s bun almost strangled her to death. Mrs. Diane’s advice is to not talk with NeNe anymore in front of the group what that is horrible advice you need witnesses.

They get their own trolley to tour San Francisco, but it’s lame because it’s not an actual trolley, it’s just a car that’s been retrofitted to look like a trolley and get you hella motion sick.

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Marlo is looking like blinged-out Mrs. Frizzle. And she’s sipping from what looks like a diamond-encrusted Starbucks cup? I mean, I just, this outfit, it’s so ugly and expensive, I need to lie down.

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On the trolley, Kenya tells the girls that she has to leave San Francisco early to go bury her grandmother/mother. Kenya cries about her grandmother and then Porsha starts crying because once knew someone who also died. Porsha sniffles and walks away, and Cynthia goes to check on her because she is bigger than the bullshit and also it makes good TV. Get that storyline that isn’t just your weird pseudo-boyfriend, girl! 

Some of the women disembark at Fisherman’s Wharf, where NeNe yells “Passer-by, take a photo of us!”, and some of them disembark in Chinatown. Porsha says, “I love Chinatown. I feel like I just stepped off the trolley and now I’m in Tokyo.” And her net worth is now $499,000 because I’m fining her $1000 for being a dumb fuck.

At Fisherman’s Wharf, NeNe tells the women that Shereé’s man Tyrone is a con artist. He was arrested for conning a company out of 4 million dollars. That’s a lot of dollars.

In Chinatown, Marlo, Porsha and Shereé decide to take Kenya’s mind off of her dead grandmother by mocking her weird ass marriage. I mean, that sure is…distracting. They go shopping in Chinatown to get gear for this wedding roast and they acquire a Chinese calligraphy wedding license and some paint brushes I don’t know just admit that the producers bought all the wedding shit.

Back at the hotel, they prep the weird conference room to make it look like a wedding you would throw for someone you hate. YOU GUYS THEY GOT A FLAT MARC. It’s a flat man with a question mark on his face and Shereé is dressing him in a tuxedo shirt I am dying.

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A bunch of random people who don’t have day jobs who also know who Porsha is who also were willing to sign over their souls to Bravo arrive to be guests at the wedding. And they are SO EXCITED.

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Kenya and Cynthia arrive at this horror show of a wedding and, surprisingly, Kenya is a good sport about it. She’s like “You’re right, my marriage trash, ha ha, but at least I got you hos talking about me, let’s party!”  

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NeNe is the reverend because she’s the tallest. Also, one of the randoms who is also wearing a Henney t-shirt is the best man for Flat Baby Marc. I can’t. This wedding is making 2017 WORTH IT.

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Reverend NeNe says “Do you take each other for richer and richer, for restaurant and restaurant, ANSWER.” Someone who’s getting married this year, please make this poetry part of your vows I BEG YOU.

They say I do, Porsha drops Flat Baby Marc, but then Kenya makes out with him anyway even though he’s covered in carpet ick.

The next day? Later that same day? Who can tell/care? Anyway, they’re in new outfits and they get on a bus that’s going to drive for 90 minutes to take them to a train station where a train will then take an hour to get them to the Napa Valley. Start downloading your Netflix favs NOW ladies.

Kenya is struggling to get on the train because she’s carrying both Flat Baby Marc and her dogs. On the train, Kandi, Kenya, and Porsha get caught sitting in the booth of no fun. Kenya tells them how Flat Baby Marc likes her to be curvy but toned and ewwwwwwww. I don’t care if you’re fucking, in love, married, or what, your man had better prefer your body to EXIST END OF LIST. But then she goes on to say how her super great husband also prefers her without makeup and she can’t be an alpha woman at home because she has to respect him and WOW YOUR NEW LIFE SOUNDS TERRIBLE PLZ GET DIVORCED.

Over in the fun booth, which has Marlo, NeNe, Shereé, and Cynthia, NeNe asks Shereé if Tyrone is going to come out of jail trickin’. And I was like, “Is he also a male prostitute?” but no, she’s just referring to his tendency to con people out of money. Shereé is like, “I hope not?”

Back in the “kill me now” booth, Kenya talks about Flat Baby Marc and how he has revealed to her precious secrets about men and dating and how they love it when you agree with them and also read their minds and never complain. IT’S ALL SO CLEAR NOW.

Porsha is tired of being yelled at so she spends the train ride apologizing to everything that moves in front of her face.

They arrive at vineyard and are greeted by the weirdest looking white man. It’s like he’s a voluntary albino. White dudes – stop dying your hair the same color as your skin! It’s gross as hell. This guy is also wearing leopard print slippers so you know he’s coming out trickin’.

He teaches Porsha how to saber the champagne and says, “Hold it like a beast,” and I mean who holds a beast how do you do that does he mean hold it like a dick.  Porsha sabers the champagne and no one dies it’s a miracle.

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Creepy albino uncle dude leads them through the actual vineyards and hand feeds them grapes and Marlo deep throats hers. I’m not even mad, I’m impressed.

Then your favorite euro trash man who wears slippers to work lets it slip that he’s married and Porsha almost kills him, she is so disappointed. Are you really that sad that you won’t get to see if he dyes his ball hair as well? Spoiler alert: he for sure does.

They stomp grapes and Porsha renames wine foot juice.

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Kenya leaves, cut to night, and creepy married albino uncle man has changed into a bright red jacket. Like, just look at this picture and you can for sure diagnose him with stage 1 liver disease.

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He shows them around his creepy basement restaurant and there is a mannequin hanging upside down from a trapeze who what where why and also THE FUCK?

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Over dinner, Kandi tells the ladies that she and Todd did a drive by of Flat Baby Marc’s restaurant while they were in New York but they did not go inside because Kandi is legit afraid of Kenya. Marlo decides to dig deeper on the subject and proposes a game called, “Kenya is a fraud only raise your hand if you disagree.”  And, you guys, Flat Baby Marc is sitting at the head of the table and his hand is down I’M JUST SAYING.

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Cynthia gets upset that the ladies are all talking such shit about Kenya so she leaves to go cry quietly about it. And selfish ass Porsha doesn’t even go get her. Cynthia got up and followed your crying ass like 12 hours ago! Porsha really does suck.

But NeNe does go to check on Cynthia and they have an amazing conversation where NeNe doesn’t yell a single catchphrase but instead speaks in full sentences. It’s quite remarkable. They get to the bottom of it and find out that Cynthia is legit hurt that Kenya didn’t invite her to the wedding or even call to tell her she was getting married. 

Cynthia comes back to the table and tells the ladies that she’s just hurt because she’s Kenya’s best friend but she hasn’t met her husband yet. Cynthia – he’s sitting at the table with you right now, open your eyes! Also, you’ll never meet him because he’s not real. 

WHAT BAD ASS FEMINISTS READ THIS YEAR: SARAH HOLLENBECK

WHAT BAD ASS FEMINISTS READ THIS YEAR: SARAH HOLLENBECK

GIFTS FOR ALL THE PEOPLE YOU LOWKEY HATE

GIFTS FOR ALL THE PEOPLE YOU LOWKEY HATE