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Hi.

Our thumbs are basically numb from texting back and forth 24/7 about everything we love (AND HATE) that's happening on our televisions, iPads, and eye glasses (hi, we think we're funny) and we thought WHY NOT SHARE THIS JOY WITH THE WORLD?!  

PSYCHED OUT (RHOC RECAP)

PSYCHED OUT (RHOC RECAP)

I may not know much, but one thing I’m sure of is that when you mix a psychic with any Real Housewive franchise, there will be histrionics. Tears, swears, running makeup so you can get an extra good look at the place where the face surgery ends and the extra skin is tucked. I guarantee it. Maybe I’m the psychic. Anyway, this episode features a pretty lame psychic and a lot of shrieking.

But first, we check in with dear Shannon Beador who is plunging ever deeper into a void of depression and delusion. Tamra calls Shannon to check in about Diko’s allegations that her husband was prying into Peggy’s cancer. Tamra is pretty much a social worker doing a wellness check on a client that all other social workers have forsaken. But sad Shannon can’t see that Tamra is her only friend these days and lashes out at her for “giving the allegations life.” Shannon will scream at anyone except her husband because if she yells at David, he’ll probably harvest her organs for money and then turn her to stone with his icy stare while slowly eating chips. Bravo provides us with a delightful montage of Shannon in various stages of distress while David stares dead-eyed, loudly munching on chips. This is what they mean when they refer to the strong, silent type, right?

Speaking of heartlessness, Vickie is afraid that her heart may give out because of all the stress brought on by spreading rumors about her friends, screaming in their faces, and binge drinking.

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The doctor informs Vickie that she has a tiny blockage and a slightly enlarged upper chamber but nothing life-threatening. For Vickie, this means she’s on the brink of death and everyone should forgive all her evil-doings because life is short. Um, I’m pretty sure most of the cast and ex-cast members will go to your funeral just to dance on your grave, but, sure Vickie. Live into your fake heart disease. It worked so well for Brooks when he faked cancer.

Wait! Do you feel the light? Do you sense a spirit. It’s Mystic Michaela and her aura abilities. According to Boring Meghan who has invited Mystic Michaela to her dinner party, this psychic can read can read auras, beads, candles, colors, and probably Marie Callender dinners. Peggy arrives at the dinner and immediately tries to ward off the psychic with her resting bitch face. Peggy doesn’t like psychics. The only psychic she trusts is God and that is the god of tacky excess who told her to buy a garage full of sports cars that look like Beetlejuice props.

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Lydia arrives and declares that she is also not into psychics because of Christianity probably.  Seriously??? Have these women never seen Ghost. Go watch Whoopie Goldberg’s TOUR DE FORCE as Oda Mae Brown and then tell me you don’t like psychics. You can’t. She was just too lovable. 

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Mystic Michaela reads Shannon and Tamra’s auras and tells them she sees a bunch of colors. And that’s about it from the psychic lady. Of course, Meghan’s psychic would be boring AF. Fear not, the melodrama draws near.

Lydia invites the ladies to Iceland because she is “reviewing” the country for NOBLEMAN Magazine and wants to make a fun girls trip out of it. Firstly, a review of any country by any member of any housewives franchise (notwithstanding Carole Radziwill) is certain to be culturally insensitive at best, though my money's on overt bigotry. Secondly, when has travelling to any country ever in the history of any Real Housewives franchise ever been fun? These women enter a new time zone and attempt to cut each other’s faces off. Before they go on the trip, Peggy needs to get something off of her chest. She confronts Shannon as to why David was grilling Diko about her cancer last week. Shannon defends her husband and insists he was asking questions out of concern and then Peggy GOES NUCLEAR by asking, “Do you trust your husband?” NO PEGGY. STEP AWAY FROM SHANNON’S TRUST ISSUES. This is the very thing that causes her to cry, scream, stress eat, alienate her friends, open a restaurant, and cry some more. You just opened a Shannon Matryoshka doll where each doll is more defensive and squealy than the one before.

Lydia, who just wants everyone to be happy and never talk about their emotions, tells Shannon to stop Mad-Doggin’ them. I imagine every morning after bible study, Lydia checks urbandictionary.com for the phrase of the day and plans to use it in a sentence.  Today’s word: Mad-Doggin. This sends Shannon crying to the bathroom and Tamra in tow to calm her down and pee while wearing a microphone.

Peggy reveals to the camera that she joined this show to get support from other women but it has not worked out for her. Um, Peggy, have you ever watched a single episode of any reality show ever? This is not where you come for support! This is where you come to get dragged. 

The next day, Tamra invites Shannon over for a heart-to-heart about her behavior and Shannon admits that her crumbling marriage is the cause of her volatility. Tamra thinks the trip to Iceland may help Shannon get some perspective because nothing says introspection and serenity like a vacation with lots of booze and a bunch of women who hate you. Safe Travels!

THE RETURN OF BAD BECKY (THIS IS US RECAP)

THE RETURN OF BAD BECKY (THIS IS US RECAP)

DEJA VU AGAIN AND AGAIN (THIS IS US RECAP)

DEJA VU AGAIN AND AGAIN (THIS IS US RECAP)