PARTY LIKE A VIKING (RHOC RECAP)
Thank god next week is the RHOC season finale. You know things are desperate when the most relatable housewife is Kelly “May The Bridges I Burn Light My Way” Dodd.
Honestly, there’s not a single redeemable cast member on this show. It’s been an awful season and I can’t wait for RHOBH to begin because Lisa Rinna’s adult diaper commercials have more class than anyone on this series.
But on with it, I guess.
We’re still in Iceland and Peggy finally emerges from her room after the horrible fight she had with all the ladies the previous night. She tells Lydia that during the fight Kelly mocked the death of her father (not true), and that all the women were laughing at her (only sort of true). And she has proof. Peggy recorded all the women laughing. It’s not clear what they’re laughing at, but pay no mind, the point is that Peggy is a victim. She also recorded the sound of Meghan’s baby crying for 10 minutes while Meghan was drinking in Shannon’s room, insinuating that Meghan is a terrible mother. Then she calls Meghan a giraffe. Is that an insult? I thought it was common knowledge that giraffes are the supermodels of the animal kingdom. Lydia tries to convince Peggy to move on and warns her that recording the other women and making accusations about poor parenting won’t be received kindly but Peggy is righteous in her anger. And her stupidity.
Meanwhile, the other ladies leave for an awesome Viking-themed dinner that poor Lydia organized but can’t attend because she’s tending to Peggy’s delusions at the hotel.
The Viking dinner does not disappoint. Men dressed as Game of Thrones fanboys toast the women and then two dozen Nordic men dressed in the same fisherman’s sweater sing like weathered castratis. If I was ever on My Super Sweet 16, it would just be this dinner. The ladies are overcome by the hospitality and the choir and their eyes well and their injected lips turn upwards into something akin to genuine smiles and Vicki, who is unaccustomed to feeling joy, probably thinks the sensation is just another heart attack coming on.
During dinner, Tamra cajoles Vicki into apologizing to Shannon for spreading a rumor that David beat her. Vicki apologizes through gritted teeth and Shannon smiles politely but does not accept. Shannon is also silently fuming that Vicki and Tamra are reconnecting, giggling, and probably synching their cycles.
Back at the hotel, Lydia is enjoying a sad meal alone when Peggy struts in like Naomi Campbell during Paris Fashion Week ready to participate in the Viking dinner.
Lydia is delighted at this about-face and hops on her animated magic carpet, which transports all Disney Princesses to fancy dinners.
When Lydia and Peggy arrive at dinner, Kelly tries to apologize to Peggy for her drunken incivility but Peggy is unmoved. This makes Kelly mad. Very mad. But instead of hurling more insults, Kelly reminds viewers that her anger management classes have taught her to walk away instead of punching her enemies, so she takes a stroll. Then Peggy whips out her phone to show the other ladies that she recorded them laughing at her. As Lydia predicted, the ladies are annoyed and creeped out. But also, they’re on reality television and filmed constantly so someone please break the fourth wall and admit that this is not a big deal. Then Peggy plays the audio of Meghan’s baby crying the previous night. This makes Meghan cry because she is sleep training her baby and Peggy is implying that she’s a bad mom for letting her baby cry it out. My Facebook Moms group would eat Peggy alive for this judgement. All the other ladies gather around Meghan like a protective cocoon made of blonde hair extensions and silicon. Peggy sees that her plan to garner sympathy has backfired so she tries to win back the ladies by bringing up Shannon’s lying husband (why Pegs, why?) Shannon shrieks like a hyena. Tamra screams that Diko, Peggy’s husband, is a little bitch. Vicki, happy to be in the relative good graces of most of the group, slinks away to their bus so as not to be implicated in this mess. Peggy is pissed Vicki did not stand up for her and flies back to the US in the middle of the night. And that is the end of Iceland, a once beautiful country now tainted by the petty machinations of bargain-bin blow up dolls with more feelings than robots but less intelligence than humans.
Back in the OC, Tamra joins Shannon on a doctor’s visit where Shannon is having her hormones tested. Apparently Shannon took herself off menopause hormones about six months ago and has been inconsolable ever since. Hmm, what a weird coincidence.
Peggy meets Vicki for lunch and confesses that she’s hurt that Vicki didn’t stick up for her in Iceland. Vicki explains that she just wants everyone to be kind. Then the other ladies emerge from under the table and behind curtains and they all agree to be kinder to each other and to the earth and sway arm in arm...record scratch...These women are locked and loaded with enough emotional ammunition to blow up a continent. Just in time for the reunion.