TOP 5 DISASTROUS WINE & FIGHT PAIRINGS OF NEW YEARS EVES PAST
Doesn’t it seem like just this afternoon we were vomiting over the election results? Misty, water-colored memories, I tell you.
Honestly, I’m the last person on this benighted orb anyone should look to for poetic musings on yet another violent hurling (this time around the sun once more), but what better way to take stock of our ridiculous lives than by remembering the worst ways we’ve witnessed the start of a new year?
December 31st, 11:59 PM is not an inherently friendly time and it’s not my fault.
I lay my sorriness out for you all.
5. Flip Flop, Moscato + customer service rep, 2001
Shameful. Getting stood up and clamoring for something to do with only 20 minutes left on the clock is already a pretty solid sign the night is going downhill fast, but pair that with an ill-timed marketing call and quite frankly toilet wine and it’s just Un Souffle Disastre. She actually, after my twenty minute rant about privacy, recommended Jesus to me, which was above and beyond the Discovery Card call of duty, I thought. Sometimes I wonder if my life would have turned out differently if I had accepted Him into my heart that night, but I think I would have ended up just being more annoying and infinitely more extra than I am currently. Sorry, Esther, you tried.
4. Sutter Home, White Zinfandel + My best friend, 2002
The night is a gauzy blur of incoherent street-screaming but props to us for it not being about a shitty guy and instead over my dragging her blackout self home in a cab she almost threw up in, save for the fact we were only in it for twenty seconds. I am 99% certain there was karaoke involved at some point, which is always a portend of doom, so it’s a miracle we survived at all, let alone still talk to each other. LOVE YOU, GIRL, MEAN IT.
3. Mantinia Tselepos, Moschofilero + Mom, 2000
Y2k panic was real, and it was a real hard time, compounded by being in Greece while all our precious electronics were back in New York. Granted, it was merely the catalyst to the real fight, though, which was that I intended to be out all night at some terrible Greek discotheque and my mother, knowing what she knew about 20-somethings on winter break ~plus~ the uncertainty of a possible blackout and subsequent return to hunting & gathering, was not about to have me stumble in hungover and covered in brambles to the big family New Year’s Day lunch, embarrassing her in front of 100 of our relatives. Naturally.
Which I informed her, at the top of my lungs, was exactly what I would be doing.
At said lunch, I really drove home the message that all young people are trash by eating an entire plate of roasted potatoes ten minutes after walking in the door and promptly, unceremoniously, and loudly throwing them up in the kitchen sink. Opa!
2. Gato Negro, Merlot + my boyfriend, 1998
“WHATDOYOUMEANSHE’SSTAYINGWITHYOUFORAWEEKAREYOUFUCKINGKIDDINGMEWHYAREYOUDOINGTHISTOMEWHOEVENISSHEOHMYGODPLEASEDONTDOTHISTOMEIWILLSTANDOUTSIDEYOURHOUSEANDWATCHYOUDAYINANDDAYOUTUNTILYOUREALIZEYOULOVEMEANDTHENIMGOINGTOMURDERYOUBOTHANDSPOONHERFUCKINGEYESOUTWITHAMELONBALLERWHODOESSHETHINKSHEEVENIIIIIIIIIIIIS!!!!WHY DON’T YOU LOVE ME!!!???!HOWLONGHASTHISBEENGOINGONNNNNNNNNNNYOUPIECEOFSHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT!!!!!!!!”
1. Menage a Trois, California Red + inanimate object, 2003
I of course very much tossed a Village Voice red box into the middle of the street and then kicked it one or seven times after primal screaming because I saw an ex who dumped me just sauntering around my fucking neighborhood, stopping to brazenly make out with another woman in an act of obvious hostility I mean what the fuck, this is my street, who even cares, what are you looking at, I’m suffering, go ahead and call the cops, lady, I’m laying down right HERE waiting for them!!!!