WHAT OPPRESSED WOMAN WOULD YOU BE IN GILEAD? TAKE OUR HANDMAID'S TALE QUIZ TO FIND OUT!
1. WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE COLOR?
2. DO YOU LIKE TO IRON?
a) Someone does that for me.
b) I like to burn nonbelievers with an iron, if that’s what you mean.
c) Sorry, can’t iron: I’m ovulating.
d) I love ironing!
e) Ironing is a tool of the patriarchy!
f) I’m too slutty to iron.
3. WHOSE FAULT IS IT?
a) Definitely not mine directly!
b) Her fault! Her fault!
c) Her fault, I guess? (Please don’t hit me)
d) I don’t know whose fault it was, but I’ll clean it up.
e) THE PATRIARCHY’S FAULT!
4. PICK A CELEBRITY:
a) Tomi Lahren
b) Phyllis Schlafly
d) Martha Stewart
e) Ani DiFranco
5. PICK YOUR FAVORITE TV SHOW:
a) Fox and Friends
b) The 700 Club
c) The Bachelor
d) The Pioneer Woman
e) Orange is the New Black
f) HBO’s Cathouse
6. DO YOU SMOKE?
a) Yes. How else would I get through this humiliation?
b) No. I like to burn people.
c) Not since college (I still sneak them.)
d) No, can’t afford it.
e) No, I need my lungs for chanting.
f) Fuck yes! How else would I get through this humiliation?
7. FERTILE OR NAH?
a) No. God will provide a baby for me because I deserve it.
b) No. My ovaries fell out years ago.
d) No. I do love taking care of babies!
e) Maybe...but all heterosexual sex is rape.
f) No! Thanks, Depo Provera.
8. PICK A HOBBY:
a) Smoking, drinking coffee, and sneering at those below me
c) Running (as much good as that will do me)
f) Sport fucking
9. FILL IN THE BLANK: "A WOMAN NEEDS A MAN..."
a) To secure her power.
b) To fill her with his holy seed.
c) To get her money out of her frozen blank account.
d) To put down the toilet seat.
e) Like a fish needs a bicycle.
f) To keep her in his secret bordello.
10. FILL IN THE BLANK: "I AM A..."
a) Woman blessed by God and her husband.
b) Tool of our Lord.
c) Cool girl.
d) Hardworking lady.
e) STRONG, GAY WOMAN.
f) Party girl.
If you chose mostly As:
Congrats, you’re a Wife! Enjoy all the luxuries proximity to power can provide. Unfortunately, you are a woman, so things still suck. But hey, you get to wear blue and participate in monthly rape sessions! YOU DO YOU, GIRL!
If you chose mostly Bs:
Hey, Aunt! You may not be fertile, and you’re certainly not nice, but you do get to combine your love of torture with your religious fanaticism. Put those leadership skills to good use and LIVE YOUR BEST LIFE!
If you chose mostly Cs:
You’re a Handmaid. Oh gurl. I’m sorry, but your working ladyparts are putting you in a bad situation. Let’s focus on the good stuff. Pros: red is so in this season. Finally the government cares about reproductive health! Cons: rape. Remember, SELF CARE IS IMPORTANT! So enjoy those baths and thoughts of suicide.
If you chose mostly Ds:
Hey, you’re a Martha. Have fun baking bread from scratch and cleaning toilets. You also get to be in charge of menstrual pads. You get to be judgey, too, and live with crazy rich people. It’s like a reality show but you get to clean up after it! FOLLOW YOUR BLISS!
If you chose mostly Es:
Bad news: you’re an Unwoman. Good news: you get to save the environment, just like you promised yourself you would in grad school. Bad news: you’re probably going to die horribly. Good news: you get to travel! Bad news: you have to clean up toxic waste. Good news: you are surrounded by like-minded sisters. BE THE CHANGE YOU WANT TO SEE IN THE WORLD.
If you chose mostly Fs:
You’re going to Jezebel’s, where you’ll get to mix and mingle (in the Biblical sense) with the most powerful men in the Republic of Gilead. You’ll get to wear moth-eaten slutty Halloween costumes. Will you be a slutty nurse? Slutty doctor? (j/k women aren’t doctors) Slutty Martha? Slutty Rick from Walking Dead? You’re not going to choose, someone will just hand you an outfit. Every night is Drink till You Drown Thursday, just like college! DON’T LET ANYONE EVER DIM YOUR SPARKLE!