THE MOST EGREGIOUS ITEMS IN THE GOOP HOLIDAY GIFT GUIDE
Everyone has their own holiday traditions. Friendsgivings, going to see the lights on Michigan Avenue, ranking the Love Actually subplots from most to least bad. One of my favorites is hate-reading the GOOP Holiday Gift Guide, a paean to excess, the cringiest parts of “wellness culture” and a perpetually unanswered “who is this even for??”
I’ve gone through the guide so you don’t have to and highlighted the most egregious items in a gift guide where the “stocking stuffers” cost more than most of my loved ones’ regular Chanukah gifts. Read these and then call your goddamn senators.
LBR, if I had GOOP money, one of my first purchases would be a high-quality oversized cashmere sweater that I could lounge in and live my best Nancy Meyers-movie protagonist life.
But thankfully, living your best Nancy Meyers life is a state of mind and does not require 1) $400 sweaters or 2) “cutesy” slogans that minimize and oversimplify centuries of cultural and religious practices whose significances will probably be lost on most of the people who read the GOOP Gift Guide. Just pour yourself a glass of wine, find your comfiest socks and watch It’s Complicated instead.
No one at your holiday party will remember that you did this. And if they do, it will not be fondly.
This is well-intentioned, but the sample card reads, “Make a map of your failures and indicate the dates they occurred.” Who are all these healthy, well-adjusted people who can complete an exercise like that in an efficient and productive amount of time without needing an extra half a day just for curling up in the fetal position and self-loathing?
Look, I’ve willingly consumed both a giant Dorito filled with questionably sourced taco meat and Malört. I am not an expert on what you should and shouldn’t put in your body, and I’m not in a position to tell you what to do with your body anyway.
But, like, this is just the bourgeois version of the boost powders they used to put in your Jamba Juice to make you feel less shame about the fact that you were really drinking an 8,000-calorie milkshake, right?
This seems like one of those items that no real person owns but everyone in a Wes Anderson movie has one. It looks like a regular manila envelope except it’s leather and you can get your initials stamped on it before you fill it with files you never look at again.
Here’s how I imagine this going:
Pet Psychic: I’m getting something from the other realm. Does the date January 8th mean anything to you?
Dog: *sniffs the air, cocks head slightly*
Pet Psychic: Bark once for yes, twice for no.
Dog: *yawns, spins around in a circle, lies down on nice, cool kitchen tile*
Pet Psychic: I’m getting a name. It starts with an “S”... Scra—Scruffy? Does the name Scruffy hold significance?
Dog: *ignores psychic, chews on own butt for remainder of session, that will be $300*
“Wait, but Lindsay,” I hear you saying, “This isn’t actually that bad. It’s kind of cute, and it’s $20, which by Goop standards, is practically free.” You’re right. It’s not. I’m including the dog infinity scarf here as a control of sorts, because what does that say about Goop, and about us, when a dog infinity scarf is on the benign end of offerings?
A $42 toothbrush.
I love how there’s like a half-assed attempt to be self-aware here in the descriptor. “To go with last year’s $120 toothpaste.” So funny!
I saw this and called my 93-year-old grandfather, who was a dentist by profession for decades, and asked if he thought there would be any need for a person to own a $42 toothbrush. He hung up.
A $5,700 bejeweled purse in the shape of French fries
You know what else you could do with $5,700? Buy 5,700 orders of fries from McDonald’s and pass them out to the delight of hungry passersby (or hoard them for yourself like some kind of French fry dragon, do you). Buy 285 Bedazzler kits and make your own rhinestone French fry purse and then more for all your friends. Buy Kesha’s Rainbow, the most important album of 2017, on iTunes 570 times. Pay a year’s worth of rent in some places, or insurance bills. Give it to public schools or public radio or your favorite queer organization. So many things!
A personal yellow submarine
Our heroes are dead and the ones that are left will disappoint or enrage us and I’m literally typing this hours after Congress voted to screw over poor people, a move enabled by this current hellish regime, brought into power by a traumatizing election which Goop herself called “exciting.”
A goddamn private island in Belize
Late-stage capitalism will destroy the planet and all who call it home. Happy holidays!