WE READ THIS GOLDEN GIRLS FEATURE SO YOU DON'T HAVE TO
Holy shit, what is this magazine? From the cover, it appears that Closer is the tabloid for red hatters and bridge ladies waiting in line at the podiatrist's and obviously I am HERE FOR IT because I am at least 63 in my soul and have already had a bunionectomy.
Closer is a gift from god. A Golden Girls expose, tips to help your cat live longer (!!!), and the youngest person in their fashion spread is 46! Its pages feel exactly like the Weekly Readers you got in grade school (newspapery). Oh. My. God, they're showcasing Gabrielle Carteris' mom-hair. There’s a TV Guide-esque TV schedule! Hold on, I've got to call my mother. Meemaw? Cancel your TV Guide subscription that you don't need because you have an iPhone and a cable box, girl. We're getting Closer! And let me tell you about the ads—therapeutic pressure sandals! Omaha steaks! A talking, commemorative portrait figurine of JFK! What does he say? “Phrases that typify his inspiring commitment to America.” And he’s POSEABLE.
Ok, pulling myself together, let's get to why we're here: The Golden Girls The Secrets They Shared With Only Each Other. I’m so pumped for some dirt on my very best gals!
WHAT YOU NEED TO KNOW RIGHT NOW:
- Betty White, the last remaining Golden Girl, is 95 years old and will be recalling these intimate moments for us. Or like what she can recall, she's 95.
- “What I thought was so wonderful was that we were all vital, sexy, well-groomed, beautifully made up and coiffed—not just a bunch of old women with their breasts hanging down.” said Queen Bea Arthur. AGREED. These heauxs are so beautiful and get more play than an entire Kappa Kappa Gamma house on spring break. It's super impressive. They are always going on dates. And this is before Bumble! Imagine Blanche on Bumble! (IS THIS A REBOOT IDEA)
- The accompanying photos remind me that these gals wear SO MANY CLOTHES in MIAMI. Look at Dorothy's layering prowess—
- There is literally a book called “Golden Girls Forever: An Unauthorized Look Behind the Lanai.” DID YOU KNOW THIS? Do we need to read it? One of the juicy gems from its author Jim Colucci: Bea and Betty would hold hands on the way to dinner. Awwwww, you guys! (UMMM 82% of readers give this book a 5-star review. WHO'S IN FOR BOOK CLUB? I just ordered it.)
“Rue, who played Blanche, had grown close to Betty while the two worked on Mama’s Family a few years earlier.” WHAAAAAAAT additional research, please!
- This article has said 237,192,387 times that everybody loved everybody SO MUCH. "She's a good lady. She's good people," Estelle said of Betty. These gals came out of the womb old, didn't they? Gee whiz, they're great!
- “By the time The Golden Girls started, Rue had just ended her fifth marriage.” Here’s the scandal I’m looking for! Too bad that's the end of the tea on that.
- Estelle Getty had terrible performance anxiety. Wow, who knew? Maybe that's why she was always clutching a pocketbook? “The day before tape day, you could see a big difference in her. She’d be walking around like Pig-Pen under a black cloud. By tape day, she was unreachable.” said Rue.
- 43% of readers say Sophia is the most memorable GG.
- Do you guys know about the Rue La Rue café in NYC? This is where you can go and sit among Golden Girls memorabilia and eat cheesecake. WHHHHHHAAAAT! OK, who's coming withe me??? It's a "delicious legacy" says Closer. We'll go and eat cheesecake and take selfies and read our Golden Girls book and wear caftans. SIGN UP HERE.