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Hi.

Our thumbs are basically numb from texting back and forth 24/7 about everything we love (AND HATE) that's happening on our televisions, iPads, and eye glasses (hi, we think we're funny) and we thought WHY NOT SHARE THIS JOY WITH THE WORLD?!  

A HEAUXS GUIDE TO #GIVINGTUESDAY

A HEAUXS GUIDE TO #GIVINGTUESDAY

It’s #GivingTuesday, a day where we take a break from the crass consumerism of Black Friday and Cyber Monday and think about someone else for a goddamn change. If your news feed looks like ours, it’s filled with lots of amazing organizations and their supporters telling you to give to their cause for the day. It can be a little overwhelming choosing from so many groups doing such important work and so many causes that need support right now.

If you can’t decide purely based on merits, may we recommend another route to target your giving: pettiness. Possibly you'd like to donate to your favorite cause in honor of your bigoted, MAGA-hat-wearing relatives or shitty politicians. We couldn’t agree more! Let’s use our pettiness for the greater good. If you have your honoree’s home/office address, many organizations will send a donation card directly to them, or if they don’t, make your own! It’ll be a gift they’ll be sure to remember.

For your FOX News-obsessed grandma in Munster, Indiana who can’t talk about Chicago without using scare-quotes:

If we had a dollar for every smug asshole who has ever responded to calls for changes to gun policy with “well, Chicago banned guns and look how well that turned out,” we would have enough money to buy literally all the guns, melt them down and build a second Bean next the original Bean. Also, we’re no statisticians, but 0% of the people who have ever used this argument actually live in Chicago, and even fewer actually give a shit about Chicago.

Tell Nana if her concern about “the violence in Chicago” is more than crocodile tears or posturing, then she should follow your lead and put her money where her mouth is, and support the many, many community organizations working on the ground to end the cycle of violence in our city. In her honor, consider giving to Mothers Against Senseless Killings (MASK), an ever-growing network of parents and community members working to “interrupt violence and crime and teach children to grow up as friends rather than enemies.” In addition to violence prevention, MASK holds holiday events and toy drives for kids, advocates for affordable housing and against food insecurity and much more. For bonus points, get her a cool sweatshirt from My Block, My Hood, My City too.

For your uncle who spent the Thanksgiving NFL telecast ranting about football players “disrespecting the flag” and/or defending the Washington Football Team’s Name:

After you share with him one of a billion very thoughtful articles explaining for the last time about why the protests are not about the flag or the anthem but about calling to attention to systemic racism and police violence in America, make a contribution in his honor to one of the many Black-led racial justice organizations working to end systemic discrimination, such as BYP100, Color of Change or Black Alliance for Just Immigration.

Or, if he offered a diatribe about how the Washington Football Team’s name is “honoring” America’s indigenous peoples and it’s totally not weird or messed up at all that they’re playing on Thanksgiving of all days, and you’re just a member of the PC Police, consider supporting the massive work of Native rights & determination through a group like the Lakota People’s Law Project. Or, for closer-to-home Chicago Blackhawks/Illinois Fighting Illini fans, consider a donation to the Native Scholars Youth Program at the American Indian Association of Illinois.

For your frat-bro cousin who is still defending Louis C.K.:

“He apologized! Isn’t that enough? Can I go back to watching his standup specials now?” Nope. Fuck him, fuck his “apology,” and fuck you, too. (Our dear Heaux Elizabeth Gomez has already put this far more eloquently.)

He’s a connoisseur of comedy, he tells you. He appreciates the art form. Great! So do you! Even in the hellmouth that is 2017, who doesn’t enjoy comedy? This you can agree on. Honor him as a patron of the art form with a donation to Women in Comedy, a Chicago-based nonprofit providing free and low-cost resources and opportunities to funny women seeking paid careers in comedy, and whose #nolaughingmatter campaign is working to end the totally unfunny problem of sexual harassment in comedy. Maybe with all these awesome comedians Women in Comedy is supporting, he can find a new, less shitty, hero!

For your aunt who loves Ellen and Will and Grace but gets real weird when you bring your partner to holiday dinners:

Spam her inbox and Facebook wall with Drag Race GIFs and then send money in her honor to an org making the way easier for the next generation of queer and transgender kids, like The Trevor Project, Trans Lifeline or Chicago’s Project Fierce, which works to provide safe and affirming housing for LGBTQ youth experiencing homelessness or Brave Space Alliance, “the first Black-led, trans-led LGBTQ Center located on the South Side of Chicago, and designed to create and provide affirming and culturally competent services for the entire LGBTQ community of Chicago.” You can also do this for homophobic or transphobic politicians like Mike Pence or Texas Governor Greg Abbott.

For Rep. Trent Franks, Mike Pence or any of these asshats:

So much happens every day that it seems like an eternity ago that the House of Representatives passed a 20-week abortion ban based on junk science, but it happened! You could stick it to any of these anti-choice goobers by giving to Planned Parenthood in their honor, which is always a solid option, or Whole Woman’s Health’s Stigma Relief Fund. If you’re based in Chicago or the Midwest and want to give abortion care access closer to home, consider Chicago Abortion Fund or the Midwest Access Coalition.

If your family has messed-up politics but you still said you’d bring dessert on Christmas Eve:

The Holiday Bake Sale is a partnership between 20 prestigious Chicago restaurants like Bang Bang Pie, Floriole and SoHo House bringing you tasty, tasty holiday cookies for a number of worthy causes. $75 is kind of a lot for a box of cookies, but funds go to support cool and good orgs like Organized Communities Against Deportations, Healing to Action and Pilot Light. They’ll taste even better knowing that your family is eating your contribution to ending mass deportations, supporting a worker-led movement to end gender violence and supporting education about healthy food in CPS schools.

THE FAT HEAUXS 30 DAY FITNESS CHALLENGE

THE FAT HEAUXS 30 DAY FITNESS CHALLENGE

NENE'S "GENDER IS A CONSTRUCTION YOU BEST REMEMBER PALE ASS TUNA SALAD EXTRAVAGANZA "

NENE'S "GENDER IS A CONSTRUCTION YOU BEST REMEMBER PALE ASS TUNA SALAD EXTRAVAGANZA "