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Hi.

Our thumbs are basically numb from texting back and forth 24/7 about everything we love (AND HATE) that's happening on our televisions, iPads, and eye glasses (hi, we think we're funny) and we thought WHY NOT SHARE THIS JOY WITH THE WORLD?!  

STRANGER FILES & THINGS: POP QUIZ (EPISODE 6)

STRANGER FILES & THINGS: POP QUIZ (EPISODE 6)

This drama is intense. Our beloveds have to go through so much for our entertainment. The Sheriff has to Hopper into a Silkwood shower, someone may have colluded with Russia, Bob wants to move to Maine of all places, and I’m still trying to figure out how to make a decent “MadMax About You” joke before it’s too late. Meanwhile, Nancy and Jonathan finally admit their hormonal heartache at the long-lost Lone Gunman’s Twin Peaks getaway while we whisper “stranger love” in satisfaction. Why is life such a rollercoaster?

  This week on the syllabus: LIFE!

This week on the syllabus: LIFE!

No one asks this more often than Mr. Clarke. Mr. Clarke, the teacher whose lonely mustache flows to the open arms of his smile, knows that growing up is rough. To help prepare his students for the real world, he makes sure his tests have real world questions. I found a teacher’s copy in the Midterms File. See how well you do—do you really know how to live?

MR. CLARKE’S REAL LIFE SKILLS TEST

1. Basic Math:
Four boys are riding bicycles to an undisclosed location 3.7 miles away. One boy has large curly hair and two pounds of Three Musketeers bars. One boy has long floppy hair and a thirteen pound walkie-talkie. One boy has aerodynamic hair but a birdlike frame that provides zero energy conversion on downhills. One boy is riding a bike that has been kicked in the spokes forty-seven times by his younger sister. If they all leave at 3:10pm, who will arrive first? Show your work.

Answer:
[ AFRO ({k=1}^n ak b_k [BANANA SEAT]^2 (HIDDEN CANDY)( sum_{k=1}^nk^2)-SWEET JUMPS- ({k=1}^n b_k^2 (EXTRA BATTERIES) ]  [ P(E) = {CONVERSE LOWTOPS} p^k (1-p)^{ n-k} ] frac{1}CONVERSE HIGHTOPS{(sqrt{phi sqrt{5}}-phi) e^{frac25 pi}} = 1 + frac{e^{-2 pi}} {1 + TELEKINETIC INTERFERENCE +-frac{FEAR OF MOTHER’S RAGE} e^{-4 pi}} {1 + frac{e^{1+frac{e^{-8pi}} EGGO WAFFLES {1+ldots} } } } = floppy hair arrives first but is angry about it.

2. Problem solving:
What can you use to bait and trap most dangerous carnivores?

Answer:
Bologna.

3. Emergency preparedness:
What are things you can do to a baseball bat to make it a better weapon?

Answer:
Pound in nails, hold with two hands, do twelve practice swings in your front yard.

4. Hygiene:
What is the proper brand and amount of product for achieving silky hair volume?

Answer:
Four pumps of Farrah Fawcett spray.

5. Advanced math:
You have an underground shelter to prepare for nuclear warfare, widespread disease and/or a personal conflict with your absent father figure that is none of my business. In order to provide food, water and oxygen to one adult woman and one adolescent manboy, what is the optimal number of mason jars, expressed as a fraction of crossbows?

Answer:
Ask Dustin. Dustin would know or help me Dustin are also acceptable.

6. Social studies:
What is the ideal building design for having an important conversation?

Answer:
The best place to have an important conversation is the roof of any structure. This is where gazing and decision-making happen. Buildings should be wide and short for a maximum roof-to-inside ratio and easy-on, easy-off access for impulsive life-changing moments. Come to think of it, muffins should also be mostly tops.

7. Photo ID:
Who is the following individual?

Keith.png

Answer:
This is Keith. Know him. Trust him. He has a very particular set of skills.

8. Open-ended essay question:
If you were a dedicated teacher who hoped to win the coveted “Coolest Teach” award in the yearbook, and had failed year after year to inspire your students to nominate you, what would you do? Be specific.

Answer:
Study hard, then study again. Come on, Clarke. It’s yours to lose.

Extra credit options:
Count how many times you and those around you have said “no more secrets” to each other, then count how many secrets you have, then compare.

Devise a containment system for beakers full of infectious dirt tornadoes.

Make a diorama of a grown man walking through an intestinal vine tunnel, leaving himself a trail of cigarettes like a washed-up Hansel.

  Practicing surprised face for getting “Coolest Teach” nomination.

Practicing surprised face for getting “Coolest Teach” nomination.

Who knows what danger lurks in the classroom...but it’s definitely stranger. For one thing, there are extra desks.

THE POWER (A HEAUXS BOOK REVIEW)

THE POWER (A HEAUXS BOOK REVIEW)

THE VERY SPECIAL KATE EPISODE (THIS IS US RECAP)

THE VERY SPECIAL KATE EPISODE (THIS IS US RECAP)