ANOTHER 2 HOURS OF MADNESS (BACHELORETTE RECAP)
DING DING DING IT'S TIME FOR ROUND 2!
Kenny Punched in the Eye Watch is on HIGH ALERT as we pick up right where we left off--
Kenny comes laughing down the hill and for once Confederate Lee looks shook. He knows he's pushed his bullshit too far. Rachel is a lawyer, not an idiot. She knows if Kenny got violent with Confederate Lee that the laws of reality television would’ve already sent his ass home. Kenny calls him on his bullshit so Confederate Lee plays his last card and CALLS QUEEN RACHEL A LIAR. Oh no he betta don't!
Kenny’s still trying to keep his shit together and you gotta hand it to him because THIS IS SOME BULLSHIT. He’s like a walking, talking, breathing example of how black men are treated in America. The producers finally let Rachel send Confederate Lee packing and he says “that’s ok, sweetheart” like the patronizing trashbag he is.
Rachel and Kenny head to the waiting helicopter, leaving Confederate Lee to starve in the Norwegian wilderness, but instead of getting in, Kenny's like, I gotta say bye to Confederate Lee and Kenny Punched in the Eye Watch is OFF THE CHARTS. Rachel is OVER IT.
They trade barbs and Kenny doesn't get punched in the eye. Le sigh, we've been duped by those crafty producers. Rachel's tired, I'm tired. But I'm sure it's not over. Kenny and Confederate Lee will dominate The Men Tell All and hopefully hard hitting journalist Chris Harrison can handle a smart discussion about race in America. STAY TUNED.
KENNY GETS A ROSE.
Here's Josiah dashing all our hopes that he was possibly not terrible.
DEAR GOD ARE ALL MEN GARBAGE. And don't even try to tell me it's just the ones who go on reality TV--I've been on Bumble and YOU IN DANGER GIRL. DM me for screenshots of the horror show.
Matt says he’d be shocked to not get a rose. Homeboy, we’ve never even seen you on the telly, PACK YER BAGS. Josiah lists all his selling points to the camera, which is embarrassing. AND THEN SHE KEEPS MATT OVER JOSIAH. She’d rather keep a complete stranger over Josiah. And just like that, my dark horse Anthony is sent packing. I’m really bummed about it, I liked him, he was real. He got sent on that stupid horse in Beverly Hills date, but he was so kind always. Josiah of course mansplains this sitch and says “GIRL YOU GOT SOME BAD JUDGEMENT.” OR MAYBE YOU'RE A DICK?
EYE PUNCH WATCH: STILL NO EYE PUNCH.
TIME TO GO TO DENMARK
Gotta be honest with you, I’m texting my dad during the commercial for their hotel / Denmark.
ERIC’S GOING ON A ONE ON ONE
I can’t really see Eric as her husband, but the previews for him are really trying to sell it. OMG they’re on a boat in Copenhagen and I have no idea what they’re saying because there’s a tornado watch in Illinois and a warning is blaring. WHAT ARE THEY SAYING? No idea. I’ll make some shit up:
Eric: I’m so into you.
Rachel: I’m glad we’re exploring our connection.
Eric: I like you a lot.
Rachel: We know absolutely nothing about each other. I've had longer dates at a Chipotle.
Eric: You’re beautiful.
OK it’s back! They’re in a hot tub with a member of Metallica who jumps up and shows the world his ding dong.
They make out in the hot tub. Then they go to an amusement park. At dinner he “opens up”. He says his mom never gave him love. He always felt alone. So it messed up his relationship with women but he’s falling for Rachel and he knows it’s right. He’s dressed like a waiter and has a very conspicuous untouched hamburger on the table in front of him.
ERIC GETS A ROSE.
They’re gonna pretend to be Vikings. The Vikings are a romantic people (?). They row a ship to a field where they meet some dudes who keep saying “Why-kings” and like are the most adorable men ever, Rachel should marry them. Alex is super into dressing up and getting physical and I gotta admit, he looks hot as shit in his Whyking garb, he could def be an extra in a summer Whyking movie featuring Chris Pine.
As you know, I love when the men are overly confident in their manliness and then are threatened with bodily harm. Kenny talks about how great he is and no one has been “tapped by the Viking spirit” like he has so KENNY EYE PUNCH WATCH IS ON HIGH ALERT. Kenny and Adam are going to fight for Rachel’s heart. It’s sloppy as a mother. Not a cool fight scene at all. And then Adam is bleeding out his eye too! UM WHAT THE HELL POOR ADAM GETS NO SCREEN TIME AND NO CONCERN FOR HIS WOUNDS. Kenny however is wearing a fur and carrying around a trophy.
TIME TO HANG OUT WITH THE MENS
Bryan steals Rachel away and they confess how much they missed each other. They make out. Peter and Rachel make out. Rachel makes out with Matt or is that Adam? They’re not the same person? Kenny and Rachel talk and he’s worried about taking Rachel home to meet his daughter. Rachel is gonna keep it 100 and tells him to go home. They hug it out and it’s sweet. I don’t know how I feel about Kenny. He seems like an attention whore but also like a sweetheart. CAN A MAN BE BOTH?
PETER GETS A ROSE.
LET'S GO OUT WITH WILL (WHO?)
Will and Rachel take a ferry to Sweden. WILL TAKES THE FIRST BITE OF FOOD EVER TAKEN ON THE BACHELOR FRANCHISE, HE MUST BE GOING HOME. Suddenly they’re having coffee with some old Swedes who don’t speak a lot of English but they're more interesting than Eric. Rachel says she wants to be married for 35 years. And I'm like girl, that’s a LONG TIME. Rachel suspects Will’s gay and says he’ll barely hold her hand. And then he's like, naw, I'm not gay, I just date white girls.
Well that was a stupid thing to say.
Rachel is gonna cry at the rose ceremony. I don’t know why because there’s still some easy chaff to cut here. This is the hardest goodbye, she says. I mean whut. Adam is there. Matt is there. Alex is there. OPPS ALEX IS GONE. He’s dressed up like a mobster in a black suit and shirt and hot pink tie. Or a guy in 1992 going to prom. Or like an 80’s throwback dance party. But we'll always have the memory of his Rubix cube and hot Whyking outfit.
This picture isn't great, so like, here's also Jaime Lannister--