ARE ANY OF THESE DUDES HUSBAND MATERIAL? (BACHELORETTE RECAP)
Look, I bristle when people say idiotic things like “husband material” or “wife material.” That ideology is a sneeze away from a dowry and greeting your man with a scotch on the rocks at the door. But I suppose if you’re headlining a show with the entire purpose of finding a husband, you might as well know if he can change a diaper or unclog a drain while Ashton Kutcher yells at him. And you might as well meet his ex-girlfriend and assess her outfit. And you might as well slurp faces because how else are you gonna know what the soup course at Shady Pines sounds like?
All joking aside, this was an amazing second episode! It brought me everything I've ever wanted: men running around like idiots, men arguing over stupid shit like their intentions, men getting called out for being trash, men being clueless, men running and falling over. It was pure joy. I drank half a bottle of wine and hehehe’d the whole way through. Let’s relive the magic together, shall we?
We re-join our men in the Bachelorette Mansion looking like they’re about to shoot an ad for Old Navy’s spring t-shirt line. But just like a multi-colored array of Old Navy t-shirts, we know these men look a helluva lot better than they really are. Still it’s fun to watch their hilarious enthusiasm and comradery when Chris Harrison announces the first group date. They’re all high-fives and brah! Like one gigantic boy band. FOR NOW.
Rachel’s serving I can hang with the guys BBQ realness and they pretend to play football for a bit because Ashton and Mila have two little kids and it takes forever to get out of the house these days. OH YEAH did I mention Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis are there to oversee the “Husband Material” obstacle course complete with diaper changing, drain de-clogging, and setting a table?? Ahhhh, our expectations of men have grown so much, amirite? Don Draper would’ve never set a damn table! These men are heroes!
BTW my mom ALWAYS calls Ashton Kutcher “Ashtron Kretcher” and it fucking kills me every time. You know what else kills me? When Ashtron describes it as an “osticle” course. HAHAHHAHAAHA.
Wanna know what’s a lot more revealing than the guys’ performance in the obstacle course? All the fucking babies they leave lying all over the ground. Our winner, Lucas Whaboom, even goes so far as to punt the damn baby. Blake bitches about Whaboom and leaves a discarded baby face down on the ground. STOP DROPPING THE BABIES ON THE GROUND IT'S WEIRD. I agree with Ashtron Kretcher, we don’t see Rachel’s baby daddy in this bunch of clowns. But we can’t discard them just yet cause Rachel’s gotta smush faces with a few of them and look uncomfortable as hell when she’s forced to embrace Whaboom.
Rachel’s gotta spend some one on one time with each of her suitors so they go to what looks to be an Ed Debevics. Why are there so many lawn chairs and lava lamps? Jack Stone is super creepy the way he’s all leaned into her and saying “seriously” “seriously” over and over again. Iggy is so sweaty his head is glowing. Lucas Whaboom reads a poem and please god no one ever write me a poem ever ever ever. Dean arrives and they’re still talking about black and never going back. HE’S NOT EVEN WEARING SOCKS. Blake continues his roast of Whaboom and lets it slip that he lives with Whaboom’s ex-girlfriend. He just can’t deal with it. He runs to Rachel to tell her WHABOOM IS WEARING MAKEUP. LOLOLOLOLOL. The whole time he looks like an old timey pirate and he’s gonna swab the deck with Whaboom.
Blake, relieved of his burden of Whaboom’s makeup secret, rushes back to the holding room to tell Whaboom all the shit he just talked about him. “Listen, I’m a pro wrestler, I know all about white dudes acting crazy,” Kenny says and I die. Rachel gives the rose to Dean and slurps fuschia lipstick all over his face.
LET’S GO ON A ONE ON ONE YAY. Peter, the poor man’s Oscar Isaac, is going on this date and I am HERE FOR IT because he is so fine. Blah blah blah the airport and Rachel’s dog Copper bounds from a limo with a cast on his front leg and we rewound his arrival at least six times. Doop de doop jump jump jump here comes Copper! Give me all the gifs!! Peter does a good job of being enthralled with the dog and charming Rachel. They’re on the plane and he’s just petting the shit out of Copper, and look, I’ll let Peter pet me like that any day! Yes! I went there!
They go to a dog party in Palm Springs and Peter continues to be sexy. They have dinner and talk about their gap teeth for approximately 25 minutes and wowza that was boring. Then she’s like LET’S GET THESE TOOTH GAPS TOGETHER AND SEE WHAT HAPPENS and they make out under fireworks, even though he’s dressed like a cruise ship captain.
WE’RE NOT TIRED, LET’S GO ON ANOTHER GROUP DATE!
Kareem Abdul Jabaar arrives to oversee this basketball date. He’s like 100 feet tall and 100 years old. He runs the boyz through some drills to get them ready for a real game with real spectators. The stakes are high! “I’m looking for a guy who takes initiative, who’s assertive, who’s direct, and who just stands out,” Rachel says and now I’m worried as hell for girlfriend. Rachel, those are the narcissists, girl! Those are the terrible ones! WHERE IS MY BOY JOSIAH?? Get in there Josiah, show her the light of deep childhood pain!
Basketball metaphors about teamwork and romance and I’m really hoping somebody gets hurt. It’s the messiest game of basketball ever played. DeMario gets a lot of screen time talking bout how great he is and dunking and stuff and I’m loving this rollercoaster ascent cause we know he’s about to crash. Guess who’s just showed up, heauxs?? THE GIRL WITH THE SCRUNCHIE.
Y’all, it’s a shock I know, but the GIRL WITH THE SCRUNCHIE says DeMario ghosted her to go on the Bachelorette. This is a straight shock (LOL). Rachel is shook. She’s not sure if she should believe what appears to be a Russian exchange student in 1993 wearing a pink-flesh-tone-mock-turtleneck-bodysuit with a braided belt that goes around her waist twice and a scrunchie. But Rachel’s a lawyer, she’s gonna get to the bottom of this. Bring DeMario out for his deposition!
Of course DeMario immediately says the GIRL WITH THE SCRUNCHIE is a “pyscho” and I hate him forever and as soon as I get his address I’m sending him a bag of glitter and dicks and some Angela Davis. THE GIRL WITH THE SCRUNCHIE says last time he was in her house he was fucking her, she swears on her two baby kittens at home, AND THAT’S IT! Rachel says “I’m really going to need you to get the fuck out,” to DeMario and it’s all sorts of badass and then it’s just a million shots of Rachel wandering around the basketball center pissed off until she enters the boyz locker room to tell them what happened. All the men are SHOCKED to find out that men are trash. (But all the ladies on this couch show very little surprise.) The rest of the night is dominated by Demario talk and Josiah man spreading in white pants as he receives his rose.
With DeMario gone, Rachel can finally focus on her mens at the Rose Ceremony / Cocktail Party. She arrives in a gown and it’s like Meryl Streep in August: Osage County with the speech giving and rocks-glass-ice-clinking. Chiropracter Bryan makes her mount a table in the gown so he can give her some chiropractering. Good thing she got her back cracked because CALL SECURITY, DEMARIO IS BACK. I mean, of course he is. Demario can’t go on without talking to Rachel again. HE CANNOT GO ON, CHARACTER ASSASSINATION. I mean, of course he can’t. But we ain’t got time for any more dramatics from Demario tonight, so it’s TO BE CONTINUED for DeMario and his De-Rama as all the mens pour outta the mansion to take on DeMario’s lyin ass. YES PLEASE!