ONE MILLION MEN GET OUT OF A LIMO (BACHELORETTE RECAP)
HEAUX MY GOD IT'S OUR FAVORITE TIME OF YEAR! ROSE EMOJI ROSE EMOJI ROSE EMOJI!
Is there anything more joyous then desperately single men plucked from the Tinder-abyss and placed right into our damn living rooms? They're shaved, they're suited, they've got protein farts, and they're ready to make fools of themselves over one beautiful lady and we are here for it! The world is a garbage fire and we spent the morning becoming more and more depressed by the news and the Fermi Paradox, so like WE NEED THE BACHELORETTE WE NEED IT. And let's be honest, AMERICA NEEDS RACHEL LINDSAY.
Everybody loves Rachel. She's beautiful, she's smart, she's good natured, she wears clothes well, she's marriage material, and she's the first African American bachelorette. It's a heavy burden to bear, but Rachel's doing it gracefully. And ABC has done us a solid and cast the most diverse group of guys in franchise history, and so far, the white ones are the biggest tools in the bunch! Halleloo for some truth in adverstising, y'all!
For this most important first episode where the mens arrive at the manse to make their first impressions, we've assembled our finest—Jeremy Owens, a hilarious, fabulous, feminist gay man who's been watching the Bachelor/ette with his husband for nary a decade; Adrienne Gunn, a single mother whose New Year's resolution was to stop thinking men are trash; and Sean Kavanaugh, a straight dude who's never seen the show (!!!)—to bring you the finest reads on Rachel's suitors. I know, we're excited too. Skipping right past the I Loved Nick recap (girl you dodged a bullet!) and straight into—
KENNY THE WRESTLER WITH A KID
AG: Wow, he really had his face in that dude's crotch! But his dance is adorable and I laughed. He seems like a genuinely nice dude.
JO: This guy just made a dad joke by drawing a parallel between the wrestling ring and putting a ring on her finger so clearly I want to sleep with him now.
SK: I’ve seen the wrestler—did not scream “love of my life.” He looks like he is at an interview to be a sales rep with that suit.
JACK STONE THE CREEPY LAWYER GUY WITH EXTRA WHITE TEETH
AG: Looks like serial killer while sitting on grass, like one of those yoga people who are really simmering inside. Went nuts with the crest white stripes and eye contact.
JO: DANGER: ONLY CHILD… his teeth should be in a museum THERE ARE SO MANY OF THEM and they’re SO WHITE.
SK: He is pro-maintaining the human race and has a cute dog. Possibly too cute. Which ex gf does he share custody of that with?
ALEX THE GREEK MEATHEAD WHO SAYS HE'S A NERD
AG: I mean using a Rubix cube to prove you're deep is like a pretty fifth grade move?
JO: SPEAKING OF TITS
MOHIT THE DRUNK STARTUP GUY
AG: I like his bollywood dancing but I LOVED when he was all drunk and didn't like Rachel kissing Bryan. “NO! Keep you mouth (swimming motion) awayyyyy!”
JO: His face is squished, right? His face is squished.
SK: CHRIST “launching my start-up” Can’t wait for him to mention that 8x times a show. He hasn’t practiced his binge drinking. That would be the first thing I practiced for this show.
LUCAS THE WAHBOOM IDIOT
AG: Why is it always the nice kids who die in fraternity incidents? They never take this guy. Someone hit him over the head with a keg.
JO: NOPE. also. STFU. Nice thighs though.
SK: Oh god. Do they intentionally get someone who is just terrible?
AG: Yes, Sean, they intentionally get at least one person who is terrible, lolololololol.
SK: He is the intentionally bad singer who tried to get 15 minutes of fame on the American Idol tryouts, right? The Bachelorette equivalent of William Hung?
AG & JO: YES, SEAN.
SK: Whaboom seems like a guy you would get stuck with on a softball team and always have to make up excuses to not spend more time with. JO: This Jim Carey impersonation is too much. I can’t. I want to slap ABC. Also. Is he maybe 50? I can’t tell what’s happening with his age, even though they told us he’s 30.
DIGGY FROM CHICAGO WITH THE SHOES
AG: 575 pairs of sneakers? Super hot, but like woah, girl don't you be getting with a man who's that upfront about his addictions.
JO: OMG. This guy is so cute. No straight man has this many shoes.
JOSIAH THE CRIMINAL TURNED PROSECUTOR
AG: Has a fake phone call about getting bad guys off the streets, adorable. Heaux my god, a suicide storyline already?? And shots of him staring at a tree? Like, JESUS ABC, this is a lot for 16 minutes in. Hot tho, I’d fuck him, I have high hopes for him. But maybe he can not bring up death in ep 1. That would be best.
JO: He’s cute, but this story is killing me. It’s … a lot. I know I KNOW. I’m the worst, but maybe give me this info 4 episodes in? whew. He runs like he has to poop or has never done ran before.
SK: I was pro this guy, then suddenly we are in some DEEP emotional waters. seems like a bit of a bummer for a first date.
AG: He's my number one draft pic but if she wanted a lawyer, prob she could have found one in law school?
SK: Oh, good for you Josiah. I really like “see you later litigator.’ Nice, dude.
PETER THE HOTTEST WHITE DUDE FROM WISCONSIN (SORRY NOT SORRY NICK VIALL)
AG: WHAT ARE THE WORDS COMING OUTTA DAT MOUTH YOU'RE SO HOT I DON'T CARE.
JO: A PLAID SUIT? Who let this happen. They have matching teeth gaps. I guess that’s good?
SK: Other than the blazer, he seems normal.
AG: He's #1 on my white guy list.
SK: Good call.
JO: I love this guy IN SPITE OF HIS NASTY PLAID COAT. He offers her chocolate and she says she doesn’t like it and he threatens to throw it into the fire to make it go away. LOL.
BRYAN THE KISSING CHIROPRACTOR
AG: kissed her with an audible MWAH and I audibly yelled OH NO. THEN HE DID IT AGAIN, she’s wet
JO: DORK. NOPE.
SK: Fuck this guy off the bat. Cornball. OF COURSE SHE LIKES HIM. This is why I hate bars.
AG: The first impression rose arrives on a golden geode and she... GIVES IT TO HIM.
SK: And then he unhinges his jaw like an anaconda and eats her face.
ROB THE LAW STUDENT WITH QUESTIONABLE FACIAL HAIR
AG: uh looked like a nerd but was here and gone
JO: wait. He was gone before I could get a good look.
THEY JUST KEEP GETTING OUT OF THAT LIMO THERE ARE MORE
JO: He’s too serious and his shoes are a disaster. DRESS LIKE A GROWN UP.
BRYCE THE FIREFIGHTER
AG: In a firefighter outfit and picks her up? GROSS PATRIARCHY.
JO: He’s a firefighter my pants flew off.
WILL THE STEFAN URKEL
AG: a legit urkel impression??? Are they old enough for urkel? I think I like it.
JO: The Urkel thing was so dumb, but then he was super cute when he wasn’t making an ass of himself.
SK: He went for it. Her fake laugh was impressive.
WE'RE STARTING TO LOSE STEAM WE MAY HAVE FACE BLINDNESS.
JO: wait. What are they eating.
BLAKE K. THE ASIAN GUY
SK: An asian guy! This show is so multicultural.
AG: This is the first time it’s ever been multicultural, Sean. Literally.
BRADY THE MALE MODEL
AG: a sledgehammer??? If a first date approaches me with a sledgehammer, I’m worried about being killed and running away.
JO: Attractive. But. soooooooooo awkward with the busted block of ice.
SK: He was the most awkward guy so far. He had only planned out the pun then looked like he wanted to run away
JO: I want him to stick around so I can hear him sound like he is struggling to read his own thoughts aloud more. I’m sure he has some stupid shit to say.
DEAN ONCE YOU GO BLACK
AG: she remembers the black not go back line and she loved it, um gross.
JO: PLEASE NEVER MAKE NOISES AT A WOMAN. STAHHHHP.
SK: How did guys get to meet her before? Was there a competition? Feats of strength?
AG: “I’m not backing down.”--Dean Uh, back down, Dean.
SK: I cannot keep track of 75% of these guys’ names
ERIC IN THE BEIGE SUIT
AG: um creepy? I don’t know why
JO: beige suit? no!
SK: Is her dress ruined from being dragged on the ground outside? She could lose bedazzles.
DEMARIO THE GUY YOUR BACHELORETTE SQUAD WARNED YOU ABOUT
AG: earnest and sweet, yes he stays, his outfit is the worst? But does he have bad intentions??
JO: He’s nervous and real and I love him.
SK: I liked him when he was talking to her. Went straight to hate as soon as he started talking trash to the other guys. Shut up, alpha dude. Stop trying to assert yourself on the first day, this isn’t Shawshank.
BLAKE E. THE MARCHING BAND GUY
JO: This is the guy who talked about his dick. This is obvious a cover up for a tiny peen.
SK: How do you trade in limo for marching band? His serial killer likeliness is off the charts. Also, for an amazing penis I saw no bulge. Maybe he is talking about overall shape and not size.
FRED THE GUY SHE WENT TO CAMP WITH, EXCUSE ME, WAS HIS CAMP COUNSELOR
AG: so mumbly what’s he saying OMG they want to school together but she’s like 8 years older? not creepy at all
JO: THIS IS SO WEIRD.
SK: Mushmouth. SHE IS NOT EXCITED TO SEE FRED.
AG: He's definitely staying.
JONATHAN TICKLE MONSTER
AG: OH NO. Did he touch her without asking?????? PREDATOR VOTED FOR TRUMP. This is the worst moment of the night.
JO: This is terrible. GO HOME IMMEDIATELY.
SK: Oh god, is he doing magic? Oh, the payoff was good. Why does he seem like he is reading every word he says off a teleprompter?
BLAKE #2 THE GUY WITH THE GUITAR
AG: macklemore hair and billy ray guitar, kill me
JO: Dude. No. You’re non gonna get a tv deal from your 2 minute intro.
SK: Too aggressive on the shaved part, bruh. Tell the barber to calm it down with the buzzer.
AG: I was just going to ask how you get that part, you shave it?
ALEX THE GUY WITH THE VACUUM
AG: the clean up crew was sort of funny, the smallest vaccum ever
JO: scary. Weird. uncomfortable.
MILTON THE GUY WHO CRIED AT THE END ABOUT HIS OUTFITS
JO: selfie dude. Is he old enough to be here? He looks 12
AG: OH MY GOD HE'S CRYING. Someone make sure this guy has a safety escort home. And somewhere to wear these damn outfits!
ADAM THE GUY WITH THE DOLL
AG: I like when the bachelor producers do weird editing, they deserve an emmy for this adam jr nonsense. “I disgust her.” HAHAHAHAHHAAHh
JO: HE BROUGHT A SEX DOLL? wtf.
SK: That is a budget ventriloquist doll. It looks like he made it in the car.
AG: Someone is going to burn that doll and he is going to lose it.
MATT THE GUY IN THE PENGUIN COSTUME
AG: It’s like i want him to be more like jason segal in there
JO: scarry. Not into it.
SK: He is sweating his balls off.
AG: Totally. He has to pee
THIS IS AN INSANE AMOUNT OF GUYS HOW IS THIS STILL HAPPENING
GRANT THE ER DOC WHO GETS OUSTED OVER WHABOOM HAHAHAHA AW
JO: Grant. You’re not an actor.
JO: Beige jacket. GIRL. BUY A SUIT. YOURE ON TV.
HOW MANY MEN HAVE WE SEEN THEY HAVE TO BE APPROACHING THE FIRE CODE LIMIT IN THAT VILLA.
AG: Lotta hair product on Jamey
JO: cute. Called the dress ridiculous … which is sorta ridiculous
JEDIDIAH, SUPPOSEDLY A DOCTOR
AG: no way this is a doctor
JO: goes biblical. mkay
JO: made brownies … but did he share it with her? lol