WELL THAT WAS SOME SHIT (BACHELORETTE FINALE)
WELP I HOPE SHE'S HAPPY.
That was a godamned three hour nightmare. SHE WANTS A RING, Y'ALL. SHE WANTS A RING. GIVE HER THAT RING. WHERE'S THE RING. SHE WANTS A RING.
We're gonna get there. But first, the editing. Who the hell was in charge of the last two episodes, because they FUCKED IT ALL UP. I mean, we CANNOT start the finale with three dudes and fantasy suites still to be had and did Rachel have it in her contract that she refused to be overly sexualized because I literally have zero idea who she boned and all the final locations were in cold places with sweaters and I don't think heaux was in a bikini once. But fine, fine, we're gonna start with two fantasy suite dates left, fine, but then WHAT, we're going to have the After the Final Rose interspersed with the action so we can watch media trained Rachel watch the show? WHAT? Not only did this diffuse any tension existing in the finale action, it killed the After the Final Rose tension while we're looking around trying to find a place to focus. Wait, what? Eric's coming out? Why? Wait, what? Bryan won by default because here's Peter? Chris Harrison just kept saying over and over "What was that like?" and Rachel just kept saying over and over "It was difficult" until even the Bachelorette finale snacks you accumulated weren't enough to keep you from wanting to GO THE FUCK TO BED.
So let's go through it right quick. We pick back up with Peter's fantasy suite date. They argue about getting engaged. Did they bone? No clue. I mean, I HOPE SO PETER IS SO FINE.
She's upset over Peter when she goes on fantasy suite date with Bryan. Bryan does his same song and dance about their connection / face slurping. These two boned no question. After commercial we open on a bee pollinating a flower and cut to Rachel and Bryan in bed feeding strawberries to each other. <<<gagging>>> Romance with Bryan is like a nineteen year old boy's idea of romance. Strawberries in bed. Say some stuff in Spanish. Grab her face when you kiss her "passionately." Talk only in platitudes about your "connection." None of it feels connected to who Rachel actually is as a person. And look, I feel sort of bad like judging their relationship, like I'm not them, but like THEY PUT THIS ISH ON TV AS ENTERTAINMENT SO BUCKLE UP.
Oh yeah, we're about to have a rose ceremony. We haven't seen Eric in approximately three and a half years, so we know he's being eliminated.
Rachel arrives in a sheer dress. With like underwear? A bodysuit? A swimsuit? Arm armor? Are those ankle boots? Eric rolls up in a t shirt and a sport coat and tennis shoes like whut. He knows what's up; Eric’s dressed for a flight that leaves in one hour. He tells her he will always love her. Calm down, Whitney, and keep your fingers crossed that there are bigger things ahead for you, like a love that is actually exclusive dating not on television that lasts longer than six weeks.
Bryan says "It's a battle to win Rachel's heart." THE BATTLE OF RACHEL.
And now we're going on more dates? THIS IS WHY THIS FORMAT DOESN'T WORK, PRODUCERS. Who wants to see them go on more dates, they just went on some dates. Sigh. Bryan and Rachel go up in a hot air balloon. I’ve always wanted to be stuck in a tiny hot air balloon basket with a douche bag, a camera guy, a sound man, and a balloon operator. Bryan obviously sees this as an opportunity to make out and slurps all over Rachel. Then he gifts her an English/Spanish pocket dictionary where he's inserted a piece of paper with Bachelor Nation themed words on it and I hope Olga is as embarrassed and ashamed as I am. Esposa = wife. Rosa = rose. Panocha = pussy. Oops, how'd that get in there???
HOLY SHIT HAVE WE FINALLY MADE IT TO THE REAL DRAMA?? The real emotion? The real love? PEEEEEEEEEETEEEEEERRRRRRRR.
Rachel's gonna go out with Peter again, but she just doesn't know because SHE WANTS A RING, Y'ALL. SHE WANTS DAT RING. She's gonna take his ass to church to TALK MARRIAGE. The priest (monk, whatevs) is like, come to this special place upstairs. RECORD SCRATCH. Like I don't know about you but I'm not following a Catholic priest to a special place upstairs, sorry bout it. "It’s very important not to give importance to those things that are not important," says Brother John and ::: BOOM ::: Peter is enlightened. Sort of.
They retire to his room to TALK MARRIAGE. Football games, basketball games, the farmers market, wine night with painting – somehow this is Peter’s idea of marriage? A RING A RING A RING, is Rachel's idea of marriage. SORRY YOU'RE BOTH WRONG. Marriage is listening to your mother in law loud whisper critique your meatloaf. Marriage is poop and farts. Yours, his, hers, the kids', the dog's, everyone, pooping and farting all over your house. Marriage is snoring. Marriage is fighting about whether or not your People magazine subscription is "worth it" and fits into the "budget." Marriage is your husband buying you clothes that are too small for Christmas and then feeling bad about yourself. Marriage is waiting to watch Netflix because "you're watching it together." Marriage can be nice, but like, y'all, NEITHER OF THESE PEOPLE HAVE A CLUE WHAT'S UP WITH MARRIAGE.
But Peter has a lot of, a word never uttered before in Bachelor Nation, INTEGRITY. And I love him for it. He's REASONABLE. He's like, girl, I'm into it, but like let's not get engaged, I've been non exclusively dating you for four hours.
He says, literally, verbatim: "I am in love with you, that became clear to me today, but these feelings are so recent, I don’t feel I’m ready to ask you to marry me tomorrow."
She says, "I'm so confused by Peter." and I'm like GIRL, he just spoke to you clearly and directly.
I love Peter. PETER HAS BEEN REASONABLE. And if she knew what was up, she would embrace that shit. "I want somebody who wants what I want" is not the same as "I want to find the right person for me." This conversation goes on and on and on and it's both awful and the HIGH DRAMA we be living for! This is the most emotion Rachel has ever shown and she's like in this deep.
She says she can’t have him just be her bf tmrw. And he’s like, I wish you the best, if you change your mind you know where to find me. SNAP. YA BURNT. I'm yelling at the TV--
Anybody’s who going to tell you the truth is the right choice. Anybody’s who going to tell you the truth is the right choice. Anybody’s who going to tell you the truth is the right choice. Anybody’s who going to tell you the truth is the right choice. Anybody’s who going to tell you the truth is the right choice.
She says she loves him and leaves. He’s got her tears all over his sweater. I'm yelling at the TV, GET A BOYFRIEND, RACHEL, MARRIAGE ISN'T ALL THAT GREAT. He takes off the tear sweater and wipes his own tears! He's wearing the stupidest jeans ever as Rachel leaves. She goes outside and even God is crying. Rachel lifts her umbrella against the deluge.
THEN PETER COMES ON STAGE AND WE'RE LIKE OH THEY REALLY BROKE UP SO SHE'S ENGAGED TO BRIAN HOW IS THERE AN HOUR LEFT OF THIS SHOW?
It’s pretty uncomfortable, Peter seems pretty earnest and sad. Rachel is angry and she just flat out TANKS his chances of being the Bachelor. She's like, "This show isn't for you, you need more time." SHADY LADY. Then she's all, I'M LIVING MY BEST LIFE and
THEN THE LINE OF THE CENTURY! Peter says,
“I walked passed her eyelashes on the floor for two days.”
I have no idea, and I don't even care, all I know is that weird romantic gesture is more authentic than any of the canned bullshit Bryan's been serving up for weeks. SO LET'S GO SEE THEM AT ENGAGEMENT ROCK, Y'ALL.
It's windy as shit on engagment rock. The ass of Rachel's dress looks like it could hold three more Rachel's. Her hair is blowing everywhere and she might crack. We can't hear what the hell they're saying except Bryan describes their relationship as a "chemistry bomb," and this makes me think of when Lindsay Lohan says stupid shit trying to sound smart and I die. He proclaims his love and back in Miami, Olga has a stroke. Rachel says, "You don't know how long I've waited to hear those words," and we're like, uh, yes we do, 6 WEEKS. He shows the ring and she yells GIVE IT TO ME, no joke, that's what she says.
Sigh. I'm tired, y'all. THREE HOURS OF MY LIFE HAVE PASSED. We're disappointed. We're disheartened. And why, it's just a TV show, right? BUT RACHEL WAS DIFFERENT. Rachel was smart! Poised! Beautiful! Kind! And we thought it would be different. But at the end she was salivating for a ring. She was rabid for it. And we were disappointed. True or not, what The Bachelorette showed us last night was a woman who wanted the sure thing, a proposal, over the right person. I don't know that Peter was the right person. Maybe Bryan is. And honestly, I hope she's happy. It seems like a lot to go through to end up unhappy and maybe that's why she was determined to get a ring at the end.
But I will pay a million dollars to watch Iyanla Van Zant pop on over to Miami in one year and FIX MY LIFE the shit outta Bryan, Rachel, and Olga. SEE YOU THERE.