2 WHITE DUDES NO ONE CARES ABOUT (BACHELORETTE RECAP)
The very best part of this episode of The Bachelorette was when it finally ended and we got to meet Dean's Dad. WHAT! Dean's Dad is a magi?!?
I CANNOT WAIT TO SPEND TIME WITH DEAN'S DAD. Dean, however is embarrassed, and from the looks of it, is going to cry on the floor. Was it the mulitple living room gongs that sent him over the edge? This is almost as exciting as when JoJo's mom was drinking wine DIRECTLY FROM THE BOTTLE WHILE ON CAMERA.
Who am I kidding, THIS IS MORE EXCITING. Keep Aspen weird, Dean's Dad, and I'll see you next week.
Hometown dates really are the best because finally we get to see some new damn people on our screen. Actually, this episode featured a couple of strangers as well--a coupla white dudes no one cares about named Adam and Matt.
Adam had the doll and the doll is more interesting than Adam.
He's also this dude:
Yawn. Then there's Matt and I have no clue who Matt is other than he has gigantic eyebrows and is the dude who rolled up in the penguin suit.
It's a real shocker she didn't pick him.
Anyway, the evil Bachelorette producers make us spend this episode pretending like these two have any chance in hell with Rachel before she finally sends them packing. Look, we all know the final two is Peter and Bryan. The real question is, are they redirecting our attention to Bryan but really it's gonna be Peter???? Is that $8,000 watch a consolation prize??? Or the first piece of Bryan's Bachelor wardrobe?
Also, this is the point in the show where all the funny antics end so we can FOCUS ON LOVE and again, yawn. Still we must
GO TO SWITZERLAND
Rachel explains the rules for the week and it's sort of creepy. There's a 1:1's, a 3:1, trust me, don't get in your head. Like I adore Rachel, but this Bachelor-speak is just straight creepy.
BRYAN GETS A 1:1
Either Adam or Matt is almost in tears in confessional over Bryan’s 1:1 date. I mean girl has been wanting to bone Bryan for a minute. He looks hot in his suit, I’m feeling it. Until he gives a speech about how he’s #blessed and my lady boner deflates.
Rachel buys her man a $8000 dollar watch. Bryan rewards her by throwing her against a banquette in a back cracking maneuver, he’s like, I’ll fix that later, I'm a chiropractor.
They make out on a boat.
Bryan tells Rachel his last gf was hot and heavy fast and then they broke up because of his mom. It’s vague. So Bryan’s nervous to intro Rachel to his mom but I CAN’T WAIT TO MEET THIS HEARTBREAKER. They make out and a string ensemble plays wedding music. Bravo, producers, bravo.
Rachel says Bryan makes her feel "absolutely like she’s his princess." And I’m kind of concerned for old girl. A princess? Girl. You have a graduate degree, pull yourself together.
Back at the hotel, the two white dudes we don’t know have a balcony convo about their “relationships” with Rachel. I hope they don’t throw themselves off the balcony for attention. STOP TRYING TO MAKE FETCH HAPPEN WHITE DUDES. Dean’s like, Bryan’s a player from Miami, let’s not trip.
TIME TO GO OUT WITH DEAN
Why is Rachel always taking fuckbois to church?
Dean is ashamed of his family. She’s honored to go home with him anyway.
Back at the hotel there's a knock at the door. Who could it be?
IT'S THIS BEDSIDE TABLE.
Peter's going on a 1:1. Rachel runs to him, mounts him. Afterwards he limps towards the helicopter. Then he must straddle her in a dog sled. Somebody get Pete some Icy Hot!
Peter expresses some sadness/doubt, so now we know for sure he's a frontrunner. I got my eye on you, producers!
Then a super boring date between Rachel, Matt, Adam, and Eric takes place and this happens
Did she though, doll man?
OK I CANNOT WAIT FOR HOMETOWNS SEE YOU THERE, HEAUXS.