DONALD TRUMP'S AMERICA (BACHELORETTE RECAP)
Donald Trump's America has invaded The Bachelorette, y'all. Just how many hours of my life am I gonna have to spend watching Confederate Lee and Kenny fight? HOW MANY. I am here for drunken shenanigans, oiled up abs, and Jack Stone's teeth. But it's impossible to enjoy my trashy Monday nights without seriously considering what the hell is going on here. Is it possible there's a producer with a degree in sociology putting us through Kenny and Confederate Lee because America needs to know what assholes whypipo are with their racist gaslighting, privileged bullshit? Let's just get this out of the way: FUCK CONFEDERATE LEE HE IS A GARBAGE PERSON.
If you can believe it, we're still at the yacht club when we open. Bryan and Rachel are in a dinghy, because of course they are. He tongues her face all wet and swirly, like he's letting her know just what his cunnilingus is gonna be like...not great.
Meanwhile, Confederate Lee and Kenny are fighting. “You have an unrealistic violent aspect about you,” says Confederate Lee. Whut. “I have no doubt in my mind you are a stack of bleeding muscle right now,” says Confederate Lee. WHUT. And I keep thinking, why the hell is Kenny engaging with this shit? Does he want screen time? Is it his pride? Does Kenny want the world to see for themselves how terrible white men are? Because, Kenny, girl, I ALREADY KNOW SAVE YOURSELF.
“Lee’s angry at Kenny. Kenny’s angry at Lee. Tensions are rising. People feel it. And there’s rose up for grabs.” Josiah says with all the gravity of Oscar Award Winning Actor Denzel Washington in Fences. You gotta take the crooked with the straights, Rose!
BRYAN GETS THE ROSE. It immediately disappears into his red Banana Republic sweater like a Where’s Waldo. And I'm wondering, do you think he bought that sweater on a Tuesday when new items are 30% off? Does he have a Banana Republic credit card? These are the questions Rachel needs to be asking--IS BRYAN FRUGAL WHEN BUYING MASS MARKET CLOTHING? Get your head in the game, Rachel.
Kenny gives a passive aggressive speech about how Bryan is not a bitch ass dude and has gone about this “the right way” while staring at Lee. I feel like we should point out that wasn’t it Bryan who announced on Ellen DeGeneres that he kissed Rachel first and everyone got his “sloppy seconds.” Is that the "right way" to not be a "bitch ass dude"? Still, Bryan seems genuinely touched by Kenny’s remarks.
Lee is touched in a different way and says “FUCK YOU DUDE.”
In confessional Kenny says he feels for Lee’s parents because they gotta be like “damn, that’s my son.” My eight year old was just humping the arm of the couch to annoy me, so I know how they must feel. Kenny taunts Lee. Lee kicks his cowboy boots back. And thank god we're finally going on--
A DATE WITH JACK STONE
We open with a shot of a horse's ass. Is this a metaphor?
This is an awkward date, y'all. Its like a first date with your mom's friend's son who they just know you'll be perfect for because YOU HAVE SO MUCH IN COMMON, and so you agree to go against your best judgment and then you got busy at work and forgot to stalk him on Facebook but the one pic your mom showed you on her phone look aiiight, so you remain mildly hopeful and then it's JACK STONE and you can't wait to get out of there and saying you're sick so he doesn't kiss you. Jack Stone says a bunch of stupid shit Rachel disagrees with. He gives her a bunch of compliments that just feel creepy. He hypothesizes about her dad. When she asks what they'd do back in Dallas he says he'd LOCK THE DOOR and Rachel's waving for security but they never come because they're down at Bachelor in Paradise. Bitch is on her own. Jack Stone claims he wants to "just hang out." WHY DOES THE DOOR HAVE TO BE LOCKED THEN, JACK STONE? My eight year old answers this rhetorical question with "He's probably going to have sex." BUT WILL IT BE CONSENSUAL, I demand. Also, go to bed, kid.
Jack takes his dumping hard. He’s real surprised.
I feel bad for all the Bumble gals in Dallas who are gonna see a pic of JACK STONE with his mouth closed looking normal and then meet him for a drink and be like ACK IS THIS A SERIAL KILLER.
RACHEL CANCELS THE COCKTAIL PARTY. THE MENS ARE SHOOK.
The mens gather on the elimination risers. Rachel’s in a slutty bejeweled pageant gown and a plum lip stain. Adam worries about his future while we all ponder who the hell he is? He stays. So do a bunch of other people we don’t know or care about. Some guy named Matt??? BUT THE TICKLE MONSTER AND IGGY ARE OUT SO WE’RE MAKING PROGRESS.
TIME TO GO TO NORWAY!
Rachel talks to the mens in a bar and Bryan sticks his tongue out at her THE ENTIRE TIME. He’s like, cunnilingus, gurl. Her response: HERE’S A ONE ON ONE LET'S GO RN.
Rachel's got it bad for Bryan. They go up in a giant metal dick luge for the best view of Oslo. They're gonna repel down. BRYAN HEAVY BREATHES AND ITS REAL GROSS and then they make out dangling off these ropes. They go to a café to talk about their fairytale and kiss and it’s so so icky. But Facebook just advertised this to me--
so now you know who I am. I DON'T BELIEVE IN FAIRYTALES I'M A BITTER OLD HAG.
Rachel says she didn’t find out she was hot till college. Bryan says this is a very relatable story. They giggle about how hot they are now. Isn’t funny people didn’t see it before? He drops the ‘I’m falling in love with you,” and she orgasms right there with the gold eye shadow on. #candlelabra
Back at the house Eric isn’t sure if dating brothers is Rachel’s preference. Anthony doesn’t think Rachel is a racist. I again think that Anthony is a dark horse, I think he might show up like Catherine did on Sean Lowe’s season, like in the last couple of episodes and just sweep the whole thing.
A knock at the door. Who could be?
IT'S THIS QUEEN ANNE TABLE.
On the group date the mens are gonna play Norway's fav sport, handball. It's comforting to know that PE teachers look the same all over the world--like your friend Jenny’s dad. Coach says “Handball is life" unironically. THEY PUT THE MENS IN LEOTARDS AND SUDDENLY I’M ON BOARD. Normally I don't see the appeal of Dean but then he ran by with his jock strap on the outside of his leotard and aww, he’s funny!
Kenny calls his daughter on the face time and cries.
Rachel talks to Will. I know, we were also like, who? She makes out with Will because he got dumped once too. Greek Man Bun reads a found poem and is rewarded with a kiss. Josiah lays out some shit that’s like, you’re the woman of my dreams, while lightly stroking her shoulder in a creepy way. And she’s like you never ask me any questions about myself and he patronizes her with “you’re so perceptive” and continues to practice voodoo on her shoulder. She reads his ass—he’s into the idea of her, not her.
Peter and Rachel get in a hot tub and make out and he says it’s progressing to a life of togetherness. Peter returns to the mens' lounge reeking of chlorine and has one of Rachel’s fake eyelashes stuck in his hair. The mens are suspicious. They question him but he will not be broken.
Rachel gives the rose to Will after she dry humped Peter. Somehow she still comes off as a classy lady! INTO IT!
TWO ON ONE WITH KENNY AND LEE BECAUSE PRODUCERS DON'T GIVE A FUCK!
Rachel says that the two on one is about clarity. They take a helicopter to the back woods of Norway so Rachel can abandon one or both of them there. Maybe Bear Grylls will show up and they're drink their own urine in a special crossover episode of Man vs. Wild. Maybe he won't. Rachel has a massive parka on but these mens only need a long sleeve t-shirt. Why won’t they let Kenny have any chapstick? Rachel is so cold she can’t concentrate. Isn’t Kenny supposed to get punched in the eye? HOW MUCH LONGER CAN THIS GO ON. Confederate Lee will never betray the confederacy and admit he’s cold. He adjusts his high hair. Kenny can’t help himself, he gives another speech while sitting on a sheepskin bench. Lee’s hair sways in the wind as he plays the victim to Rachel. There's more back and forth. Lee tells Rachel all about how Kenny laid his hands on him and Rachel tells Kenny and Kenny's like WHUT and
then Kenny comes maniacally laughing down the hill and it's