EVERYTHING YOU NEED TO KNOW ABOUT THE NEW BACHELORETTE SUITORS
It’s the most wonderful time of the year: the contestant bios for The Bachelorette have arrived! The object of their brofections: the delightful Rachel Lindsay, an accomplished lawyer made more accomplished by not tying herself to that godawful stalker Nick (I boycotted his season because he legit makes my skin want to shed itself and toss itself from a jagged cliff). And even though this franchise has been on for approximately 97 years, Rachel is the first black Bachelorette because ABC, like America, is fucked up about race.
Here are several handfuls of my observations on this season’s cast, who collectively long to be a mixture of Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson, Elon Musk, and Matthew McConaughey:
Adam’s “Most Romantic Date” was a threesome for his birthday and he considers Jennifer Lawrence his favorite actor “because she is every girl’s goal.” What does that mean? My goal is to hate-watch Adam and I don’t think this will be difficult.
Alex, what are your 3 worst attributes? “Selfish, unemotional, unapologetic.”
I’M DONE LEARNING ABOUT YOU NOW, ALEX.
Anthony taught English in Indonesia, traveled to the Ivory Coast via a Fulbright Grant, and has “virtually no limits in the bedroom once the connection is there,” meaning he’s probably down for pegging. He’s too good for this show.
Blake E.’s an “aspiring drummer,” which means he’s an assistant manager at TGI Fridays. He also calls himself a “classic gentleman,” referred to an ex as crazy, and wants to watch the “50 Shades of Grey” sequel RIGHT NOW so he’s definitely a douchecanoe and whoops! I’m fresh out of paddles.
Blake K. thinks Chipotle is a dessert and listed “long” as one of the characteristics of his ideal mate. At least he’s C-U-T-E.
Brady’s a male model, also known as a model, who wants to be Channing Tatum for a day, loves Lululemon sweatpants, and hates Mike the Situation from “Jersey Shore.” I’m wary and intrigued simultaneously. Watrigued.
Bryan wants two boys and a girl because “ a boy needs a little brother and they both can protect their sister.” I just threw a Judith Butler book at his headshot.
Bryce, a broet (bro poet) who describes his party style as “a laid back shot of gasoline when the fire starts to die” and his sex style as “a fresh drink of water with a jolt of lightning,” can see himself “being Matthew McConaughey,” so I’m excited to see this bro sequel to “Being John Malkovich.” Also, he’s transphobic.
Dean, what does marriage mean to you? “I think marriage is an institutionalized sham derived from religious beliefs. That said, when I get married, it's a life-long commitment.” If I weren’t already married I’d marry Dean just because of that righteous answer.
DeMario is dashing and I want him to hitch his DeMario Kart to my Marla Kart. (I don't play video games but I am fluent in puns.)
Diggy, you’re adorable and I love your tortoiseshell glasses. I had high hopes for you. Alas, you pretended to be asleep when your fling found out her brother was missing. I checked the back of my milk carton and your missing empathy is there.
Eric’s favorite soft drink/juice is “green drink.” That is all.
Fred looks like an investment banker who treats every day like Casual Friday. He sometimes gets a boner at work that he politely hides under his desk, wants to be Ellen DeGeneres for a day, and loves when his date pays for the meal. I am in love with him.
Grant was his fraternity’s social chair, doesn’t like to dwell on the past, and wants to be the President for a day because he likes “being in charge of making big decisions.” In related news, Grant’s the guy I spot at a bar and immediately put a coaster over my drink.
Iggy once got a boner at a board meeting. That checks out when you learn that he reads Harvard Business Review for fun.
Jack Stone’s name is Jack Stone. There is no other Jack on this season. Is Stone his middle name or is it his last name? Did he take a cue from Angelina Jolie because his dad is also John Voigt and therefore an embarrassment to him? Do people call him JackSto for short?
Jamey doesn’t have any female friends and he’s getting a shoulder tattoo removed so it’s probably a photorealistic portrait of Mike Pence that he wants to hide from The Resistance.
Jedidiah has only had wolf hybrids for pets and once boinked on a mountain glacier. Given those facts, his name, and his love of “wildflowers that grow in high altitudes, above tree lines,” I can only ascertain that he is actually a character from a Nicholas Sparks novel.
Jonathan’s occupation: “Tickle Monster.” Jonathan’s first time: with his ex-wife, a dalliance he describes as “pretty uneventful.” Jonathan’s description of himself as a lover: “[I] usually last a long time,” which is more than I can say for his tenure on this show.
Josiah is a 6’3” prosecuting attorney who wants to “help those that have made mistakes” and likes to talk on the phone with his mom for a long time. I am willing to look past the Bible verse tattoo on your chest, Josiah. Let’s do this.
Kenny’s a professional wrestler with a daughter he adores and a penchant for sending Edible Arrangements as a romantic gift. He also has a caveman tattoo on his chest and wants to live in ancient Egypt. Kenny has more layers than Ashley S.’s onion.
Kyle has a “general disdain for perceived corrupt authority,” so I would like to invite him to hit the streets with me at the next anti-Trump march. He doesn’t know what gluten is but opts for gluten-free items on the menu and tried out BDSM with an ex even though he doesn’t like hurting people. I imagine the whip was made out of gluten-free bread crust.
Lee, the singer-songwriter with a Macklemore meets Ryan Tedder haircut, has a horseshoe tattoo and a bro crush on Matthew McConaughey. I fell asleep while typing that.
Lucas looks like the adult version of Mad Magazine’s Alfred E. Neuman, which makes sense when we learn that he wants to fuck a hybrid of Belle, Cinderella, and Jessica Rabbit. Also, his occupation is “Whaboom.” Whawhat?
Matt thinks Matt Lauer “seems like a genuine guy and a class act,” idolizes John Mayer, and likes to “wind down” to “Wedding Crashers” so I just raised a bottle of vinegar in a toast to this douche.
Michael used to play professional basketball in Bulgaria and wants to have lunch with President Obama. I would like to come along because I have a crush on both of them.
Milton, who has a tattoo on the inside of his lip, literally said he wants to be “discovered” by being on The Bachelorette because he wants to break into writing or acting. I think he and Britt would make a beautifully strategic couple.
Mohit measures time in episodes of “Seinfeld,” wants to go as gluten for Halloween, and has used Tabasco in the bedroom. He’s like an alt-bro and I’m here for it.
Peter’s afraid of heights (cue a skydiving date) and considers “Modern Family” his favorite TV show so he’s probably not a homophobe.
Rob’s a world traveler who looks like Jerry and Charlie O’Connell’s younger brother and prefers a woman to upend societal norms and pursue the man. I just popped a heart boner.