WILL ARIE FIND LOVE IN A HOPELESS PLACE? (BACHELOR RECAP)
I begin this recap with three confessions:
1. I once matched with Arie on Bumble. He did not respond to my message. Am I upset he didn't respond to my message? Upset is too strong but obviously I think less of him because I'm fabulous and would've totally invited him to my single mom chalet, which obviously he's into because Emily, and now here he is, on TV with all these big boobied nitwits.
2. I strongly prefer The Bachelorette. I prefer to watch men make asses of themselves, confirming my opinion that most men are in fact, asses. In these political times I'm concerned I won't be able to take joy in women acting like idiots over some dude ten years their senior because dear god, there's something very Melania Trump about it all. But I will try.
3. I'm a dried up bitter old hag who thinks romantic love is mostly an illusion / attempt by society to keep women down.
Now that you know just what kind of recapper you're dealing with here, I hope you'll join me every week as we read Arie's journey for filth!
We open with the "last attempt at love" sequence. Some of these ladies barely had driver's licenses when Arie was last on The Bachelorette wooing saltine single mom Emily. Chris Harrison tells us that after Arie's Emily heartbreak he threw himself into racing and his career in real estate and also boning Courtney Robertson.
They trot out Sean and Catherine Lowe and I gotta say, every time I see Catherine in their endorsements, I’m like WHAT ARE THESE FASHION CHOICES, CATHERINE?
Sean and Catherine talk about love and show off their baby so everyone at home can embrace the fact that this is a LEGITIMATE JOURNEY TO TRUE LOVE. Yeah, ok, whatevs. Let's get to the ladies.
First we have Caroline the realtor in a skin tight white dress – Arie looks like he’s picking his teeth with his tongue. She makes an “off the market” joke because SHE'S A REALTOR and we're gonna be beaten to death with puns this season.
Chelsea the single mom comes out all slow and sultry and says there's “a lot to get to know.” Um, what. If some dude said this to me I'd be like, secrets secrets are no fun, secrets secrets hurt someone. Bye.
Here’s Kendall the ukulele taxidermist, who apparently has agreed to be our shark costume bitch for the season. Ugly pink crushed silk dress--get ready y'all, the 90's are ALIVE AT THE BACHELOR MANSION. She says they all want to be the one who he gets down on one knee for and I’m like, really girl? You think with your taxidermy and ukulele you’re the one who’s going home with basic bitch Arie? PLEASE.
Out of the limo comes Seinne, who gives a speech about elephants and gifts Arie with some cufflinks. Not the worst intro of the bunch, but still, these girls giving inspirational speeches from memes they saw on facebook is eyeroll emoiji.
This is Tia from Arkansas and this is her pun:
This is what you need to know about Tia: she's Raven 2.0. They reinforce this by filming Tia at Raven's Arkansas boutique where the walls are stenciled with Pinterest and the clothes can only be described as both trashy and frumpy. Drapey florals everywhere, jeans with artisanal holes, platform shoes. Tia is from Weiner, Arkansas and so she gives Arie a weiner and asks him about his weiner and I'm sure the twelve year old girls learning all about true love at home are titillated.
Bibiana says he has her heart racing. GET IT?
Bri throws a ball at him and is SO IMPRESSED when he catches it. Lololol THANKS, BRI. Ugly pink spangled pageant dress.
This is the intro convo Jenny has: "You're cute!" "No you're cute!" "No you're cute!' "So cute!" "See you inside!"
Brittane puts a bumper sticker on his ass. He says he doesn’t have a big butt, and he’s right. (Still would hit it though.)
Jacqueline is one of those people who when she talks, only her lips move and her eyes stay bug eyed and still. Disconcerting, but I’m sure she’s actually lovely and I’m the one who’s never ever going to find love because I made this observation and KARMA.
Krystal the personal trainer / nutritionist from San Diego has Arie close his eyes, put his hands on his heart, and then leads him through a gratitude exercise and I want to punch her. Also wanted to punch her when she was talking about how it's her life's mission to help people through nutrition. DON'T BODY POLICE ME KRYSTAL. Also I'm 97% sure this is Krystal in this Virginia Slims ad.
All we see of Nysha is her walk from the limo but from her earlier package we know 1) HER BODY IS SO INSANE WHAT IS HAPPENING YOU GO GLEN COCO and 2) she's a nurse who loves blood and gunshot wounds. Sort of disconcerting but I love Christina Yang and she loves gunshot wounds too, so I'm gonna go with it.
Valerie, purple hair with a yellow dress, NO THANKS. She is a muppet.
Who’s D do you have to S to roll up in a mustang? Our very own manic pixie dream girl Bekah arrives in a red mustang and my mint green homecoming dress from 1994. Bekah's got a heart shaped face, a pixie cut, she's good with babies, she likes to rock climb--she's just one meet cute away from her own rom com.
Jenna LOVES HER LIFE and flails her arms all over the place to prove it. She needs a strong handsome man, she gesticulates. Arie reacts with a “she’s so pretty” grunt.
Jessica's BUBBLY and gives him a gratitude rock, because she’s so grateful to share this experience with him BARF – ARIE WILL YOU ACCEPT THIS ROCK – she’s too much.
Marikh is the one with the Indian restaurant who reminds me of a Kardashian. She's talking to her mom and the way she says "yeah" is exactly like this:
Marikh gets out of the limo and is like I like spices but I'm here for salt and pepper or some such shit. And I'm like, Marikh, no, please do not basic bitch yourself here. STICK WITH THE SPICES GIRL.
Olivia is all, I SAW YOU ON EMILY’S SEASON AND I ADORE YOU!! This is a perfectly reasonable thing to say, but also creepy as fuck, you don’t acknowledge you know who this person is YOU STALKER. You can't transition from fan to wife, girl, sorry, bye.
THERE’S SO MUCH VOCAL FRY I COULD DIE.
Becca makes him get down on one knee and gives him a ring and makes him pretend to propose. It’s sort of cute? Let’s do the damn thing?
THEY’RE STILL COMING
Lauren, she’s SO GLAD IT’S ARIE. She has so much hair.
Lauren again, but a different Lauren, she brought him mardi gras beads and her bra looks lumpy.
Lauren again again, all she gets to be is the third Lauren, she doesn't get to speak.
Lauren again again again, she just gets to be the final Lauren from the Lauren Limo.
Ashley jumps out with a finish line flag and a gold lame dress. Arie's over the racecar jokes and it's like the most personality he's showed all night.
Brittany speaks like she’s had a stroke? Oh, no, she’s just speaking in Dutch?
Amber's talking about spray tans and seeing dicks and hoping he’s not one. My. She looks like the daughter of Dr. Erica Hahn.
Ali asks him to smell her pits and makes a pit stop joke. Real odd.
Annaliese wears a mask because he’s a kissing bandit and now so is she! He touches her dress, and her necklace, and almost her boobs, he’s into ROLE PLAY, Y’ALL.
Bridal photographer Maquel and her extensions arrives in a racecar. She demounts and shakes her hair out like in every movie she’s ever seen. She’s got a blue prom dress on.
AND THAT'S ALL OF THEM THANK GOD.
The girls cluck about and assess their competition, which is a million realtors, Laurens, and thirty pounds of hair extensions, boobies, and pagentry. Bekah isn’t feeling threatened because she drove up in a '65 cherry red Mustang and I’m like, um, yeah, but the least you could do is match your dress to the car? Not that hard. Black would’ve worked. White. Blue. Even red on red might've been fly like a George Michael video. Like this weird mint green from your grandma’s bathroom is like the EXACT OPPOSITE of making a COMPLETE STATEMENT LEWK. I feel like this girl hasn’t been watching Drag Race like at all and I'm sorry about it.
Chelsea, our single mother villain, steals Arie away and continues to talk in riddles, which he fucking loves. WHAT. I mean, real talk, typically when I tell a guy I have a kid they fall over or run away fast, so i don't know what sort of voodoo magic Chelsea's playing at here but all I'm saying is HAVING A CHILD IS NOT A SEXY SECRET. It's like the the exact opposite. Men hear "I have a kid" and translate it to "she's not a virgin, fuck that" and "responsibility, fuck that." Anyway, then Maquel interrupts them and the rest of the night is the typical drama of who gets to talk to Arie when and for how long and talking shit to the camera and other girls.
Then, the line of the night. Taxidermy Ukulele proclaims, "If you can find love on tinder or dating apps, you can find love on TV." HAHAHHAHAHAHAHAAH AND I’M DEAD. WHAT A WORLD.
Brittany and Arie drive some kiddie cars around. She gets the first kiss. She says his lips are like clouds. Taxidermy starts playing her ukulele. Some chick puts pineapple in his mouth and then tells him it’s her safe word. Jenna starts giving him a pedicure and flailing her arms around. Jenny drew a pic of him and I’m so embarrassed to be alive, it’s like a high school art project. The kissing bandit removes her mask. And she looks exactly how you think she would look. But she’s cute, I like her. She seems like a real person and is my favorite. I'm sure that means she's not long for this world.
Becca reads questions from her mom to Arie and acoustic guitar plays. Everyone loses their mind over the first impression rose. It’s laid out on a becrystaled geode ahahhahhahahaaha. Chelsea makes out with Arie. She says she's a single mom so she deserves it. I'm skeptical about this representation of single moms, though I guess hitching your wagon to Arie's star might be a leg up in the world so I guess go for it Chelsea. But you know what they say, The Bachelor, making single moms great again!
Arie is the producers' bitch and gives the first impression rose to Chelsea and his other heaux are agog.
Time for the rose ceremony! My 8 year old kiddo arrived for the momentous occasion and proclaims "There are too many choices, I'd pick four and throw the rest away," and GODAMMIT THE PATRIARCHY IS ALIVE AND WELL AND IT'S COMING FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE.
It's daytime now and some girls are going home. Farewell, sweet jewels, farewell.