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Hi.

Our thumbs are basically numb from texting back and forth 24/7 about everything we love (AND HATE) that's happening on our televisions, iPads, and eye glasses (hi, we think we're funny) and we thought WHY NOT SHARE THIS JOY WITH THE WORLD?!  

HAZING RITUALS (RHOC RECAP)

HAZING RITUALS (RHOC RECAP)

It was only a matter of time. New pretty girl Braunwyn can’t flounce into the #RHOC all sweet and beloved and expect to stay above the fray for long. This episode marked Braunwyn’s initiation into the trashiest sorority in the West Coast - Delta Gamma Hags. 

Apparently Braunwyn had told Tamra that Gretchen and Lizzie - Tamra’s sworn enemies and former housewives - had reached out to her to get together. In fact, Braunwyn had reached out to them (why? who knows) and the damning text messages made their way into Tamra’s grubby little hands. Tamra DRAGS Braunwyn for this lie while on a double decker tour bus in LA. Since she can’t get off, Braunwyn quietly weeps near the front of the bus and admits she lied because she didn’t want to make anyone feel uncomfortable. Tamra and Shannon are like “What’s that, you pond scum? We can’t hear you. Louder. Now drop and give me 20. And then chug this keg of alcoholic seltzer.” I think that’s what happens during Pledge Week, right? 

Braunwyn tells her Mom, Dr. Deb, about how she’s working through issues with the ladies. Dr. Deb is less human and more aura in this episode. A neon ball of love, light, and snark. I’m convinced that a few weeks ago, when viewers decried Braunwyn’s husband’s surfer necklace as the douchiest necklace ever, Dr. Deb was like “Hold My Beer.”

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Dr. Deb thinks Braunwyn’s childhood, shuttling between family members and band gigs so that Dr. Deb could pursue rock stardom and then a medical degree, was totally normal and that Braunwyn had it pretty good compared to kids in refugee camps. Dr. Deb may be a great doctor but I’m betting she lacks bedside manner.

But back to pond scum. Shane is finally done taking the California bar and he barely has the courtesy to make eye contact with Emily, let alone show her affection or thank her for single handedly taking care of the house and kids while working as an attorney all this time. He even tells production in an interview that he didn’t miss his wife. If he’s not careful, Shane’s gonna end up on Oxygen’s Snapped: Women Who Kill and the big surprise will be that a judge deems his death a moral imperative rather than a crime. Emily will be awarded a Purple Heart and find someone that loves her and appreciates her foray into Vegas showgirl-dom.

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Emily tells Pary, her mother-in-law, about some of the tension in her marriage and Pary gives her the sage advice to never go to bed ang...nope, not that. She tells Emily to take everything she wants to say to Shane, run into the bathroom, and tell the toilet. Hey, at least a toilet serves a purpose. What the hell does Shane do? And I honestly believe a toilet’s embrace would be warmer than Shane’s.

Oh good. Shannon, Tamra, and Braunwyn try out a hip-hop dance class. What a coincidence - I was just remarking how the world could use another middle-age white woman appropriating Hip Hop culture. And like tequila-flavored mana from Bravo Heaven, here we are.

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Cue the sad trumpet music and the Davidoff Cool Water smell. Gina got bad legal advice and missed a court date for her DUI and now there’s a warrant out for her arrest. Shannon swoops in and hooks her up with a fabulous attorney who keeps her out of jail. Gina and Shannon bond over cheating husbands and hitting rock bottom. Seems like Gina has finally been accepted into Delta Gamma Hags. Ain’t it fun?

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ALL THE BACHELOR IN PARADISE WINNERS AND LOSERS (BACHELOR IN PARADISE RECAP)

ALL THE BACHELOR IN PARADISE WINNERS AND LOSERS (BACHELOR IN PARADISE RECAP)

PLEASE GOD MAKE IT STOP (BACHELOR IN PARADISE RECAP)

PLEASE GOD MAKE IT STOP (BACHELOR IN PARADISE RECAP)