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Hi.

Our thumbs are basically numb from texting back and forth 24/7 about everything we love (AND HATE) that's happening on our televisions, iPads, and eye glasses (hi, we think we're funny) and we thought WHY NOT SHARE THIS JOY WITH THE WORLD?!  

ALL THE BACHELOR IN PARADISE WINNERS AND LOSERS (BACHELOR IN PARADISE RECAP)

ALL THE BACHELOR IN PARADISE WINNERS AND LOSERS (BACHELOR IN PARADISE RECAP)

You guys, I am so excited that Bachelor in Paradise is almost over. I remember previous seasons feeling long, but good lord, this has been the LONGEST EVER. Who told ABC they had the right to punish us with FOUR HOURS of BiP content a week? It’s too much! Either they need to get more exciting people or more exciting dates or show us some actual conversations where we get to see what these people actually connect over, or they need to pipe it down to two hours a week. MAX.

Honestly, this season has been a real rollercoaster of emotion. And by emotion I mean, my feelings of adoration or hate towards these people really fluctuated wildly. Like I was so living for JPJ’s hot sauce vomiting, but completely ready to drown him in the ocean over the snot rockets. I was rooting for my sweet little crybaby Blake to find love and then like I GOT TO KNOW HIM. And like, Tayshia. Tayshia, girl. Tayshia.

Let’s reflect on who’s coming out of this mess a winner and who’s a big loser. And make wild predictions about what the future holds for them! Why not!

WINNERS

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DEMI

I thought Demi was like just aight on Colton’s season. I mean honestly, I wasn’t super into the let’s call my mom in jail moment? I don’t know, they sort of didn’t know what they wanted to do with her--was she a villain, a bad girl, what? But on BIP we’ve really gotten to see Demi shine and I for one want to say, bitch is GORGEOUS. Like I don’t know how I didn’t notice it so much before but now every time I see her, I’m like, that hair! That bod! That face! She looks great. And really, she’s the only mofo on the beach with a sense of humor. #TeamDemi

What’s the future hold for Demi? I mean give this bish a talk show already. I’d watch for her reaction shots alone.

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KRISTIAN

Kristian is my fucking hero. Bish wasn’t even on a TV show and then she just like WALKED ONTO A TV SHOW AND TOOK BACK HER WOMAN. What a queen. I love how she speaks in a full on monotone and just throws subtle side eye at everyone and is like so above this whole game. Even when she’s like, lord, fine, I will sit on this candlelit staircase and proclaim my love for you, she does it with an extremely measured amount of enthusiasm. Seriously, what do you think Kristian does for fun? Like on her time off? I bet she golfs.

What’s the future hold for Kristian? I hope she runs for political office.

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CAELYNN

Poor Caelynn really got DRUG THROUGH IT on Colton’s season. Like she was supposed to be a power player but then Hannah B. just slammed her ass to the mat and took the crown once again. Honestly, I felt a little bad for Caelynn. And then at the start of Paradise, Caelynn’s making out with ABC CAM. Like COULD LIFE GET ANY WORSE. But let me tell you, when Dean showed back up last night to get his woman, I was like ALL IN ON THESE TWO. I had all the feels. And because I’m a total idiot in a patriarchal society, I liked Caelynn even better when her man came back for her. I know. It’s bad.

What’s the future hold for Caelynn? Van life, obvie.

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DEAN

First of all, I love Dean, the producers love Dean, all the bros love Dean. Like from the moment that we met Dean’s Dad drinking tea and banging a gong, I’ve fucking loved Dean. And then I read this whole insta post about how he was raised basically a nomad with his parents driving them around the country and so his #vanlife situation makes total sense. And really, why shouldn’t he drive around in van and check out the world, he’s young, he ain’t got no kids. And when he was all, I flew home (I was surprised by this, I assumed the producers just had him sequestered???) and the I drove to the Grand Canyon to stare out into the abyss and think about life without you, so I shaved my mustached and flew back, I was like, CAELYNN HUNTY JUMP ON THIS. I loved it.

What’s the future hold for Dean? I mean not much. Isn’t that his plan? Maybe an endorsement for Cliff bars.

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ANGELA

That wedding strut will go down in history. It’s officially alongside the fence-jump in the Bachelor nation canon. And Nicole’s whole I DON’T CARE ABOUT ANGELA!!!!! whining while Angela just looked gorgeous and dated other people was a straight up boss move. And when Clay whined that she didn’t want to go to the gym with him (how dare she!) and she countered with “Clay, you go go the gym for four hours,” It was fucking epic. Something tells me Angela’s gonna be just fine.

What’s the future hold for Angela? According to Clay, bish ain’t got no goals. So maybe catalog modeling?

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DYLAN

My sweet baby Dylan. I love his hair. I love his weird facial expressions. I love his obsession with Hannah G. because it’s just so 24 years old. He’s like a walking embodiment of what it’s like to be a decent person but still clueless because you’re 24. I love him.

What’s the future hold for Dylan? I mean Hannah’s definitely dumping him eventually. They’re definitely not getting engaged. I pray he’s better than Derek and doesn’t show back up on this beach when he’s in his thirties.

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HANNAH G

It’s somewhat unfortunate they never let Hannah G. speak again after she got a boyfriend. HAHAHAHAHA.

What’s the future hold for Hannah G? I guess she’s just gonna continue to be tiny and wide-eyed and advertise cheap clothing brands on the internet?


LOSERS

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BLAKE

Literally don’t think I’ve ever ever seen any “nice guy” get a worse edit on the entire Bachelor franchise. Wow, this guy. I mean Blake just really proved himself to be in way over his head and in need of therapy time and time again. From the very beginning when he was boning everyone at Stagecoach and trying to go out with all the girls to then releasing Caelynn’s texts on social media (tacky tacky) to his sudden realization that he’s IN LOVE WITH KRISTINA is all just like, GOOD FUCKING LORD BLAKE.

What’s the future hold for Blake? I mean, obviously a Stagecoach endorsement. Hopefully a new haircut.

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KRISTINA

Has anyone ever come across looking less sympathetic than Kristina? I mean I guess I kind of liked her when she was going to publically shame Blake, but like the whole rest of the time she’s just been like boring and bitchy and half heartedly dating people. She seems sedated. Not into it.

What’s the future hold for Kristina? I mean she’s obviously most definitely not with Blake but I’m sure she’s also hustling for that Stagecoach endorsement lol.

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BIG MIKE
Oh how the mighty have fallen. I still do not understand what has happened here?? Was Mike holding out for his chance to become Bachelor so he wasn’t really pursuing any women? Do the producers hate Mike? Because Mike went from being one of America’s hottest Bachelor commodities (Uh, Demi Lovato was tweeting at him, remember??) to like the biggest dud of Paradise. Why weren’t any of the girls trying to go out with him? Is he just a smile? I mean I haven’t heard him even say much of value but like, how do you go from maybe being the Bachelor to literally being sent home on Paradise because people would rather chose LUKE S?? OR MATT DONALD?? What in the world.

What’s the future hold for Mike? I mean he’s definitely not going to be the Bachelor, so i guess he’s gonna go back to Texas?

TAYSHIA

What I learned is that I do not like Tayshia anymore. Any time people were “fighting for her” she was like, passing out behind columns and getting the vapors. And like pursing her lips in conversations constantly. And wearing bras that were way too small. And like stirring things up between Nicole and Clay. And chasing after Derek and then dumping him. I don’t know, not much happened this season to flatter Tayshia, IMO. And like if she gets engaged to JPJ, Imma die.

What’s the future hold for Tayshia? She’ll be back. Mark my words.

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JPJ

JPJ sure had a journey. He went from loveable whackadoo to feminist warrior to snot rocketer to ridiculous human being that Tayshia still likes? I don’t know. He’s hot. But like, I don’t want to get stuck sitting next to him at lunch, I really don’t. But I just remembered how he introduced himself to the errant family members with a strong “John Jones” and now I like him again. Gah.

What’s the future hold for JPJ: Good lord, he’ll probably start a novelty sock company and make a gazillion dollars. And then become a Heath Ledger impersonator in Las Vegas.

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NICOLE

Wow Nicole really was a throwback for like women having a lot of dumb ideas about romance. From her telling Clay he needed to “fight for her” and to “get aggressive” to then her making fun of Angela constantly because she was insecure to her literally riding on Clay as part of his workout, it was all such a regressive eye roll. NOT A FAN.

What’s the future hold for Nicole: These two are definitely not still together. And her 15 minutes are up. But she won’t know it for a while and that’s going to be sad.

HONORABLE MENTIONS

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CLAY

KRYSTAL AND CHRIS’ WEDDING

HALEY

TAHZJUAN

BLAKE'S STUPID TANK TOPS (BACHELOR IN PARADISE RECAP)

BLAKE'S STUPID TANK TOPS (BACHELOR IN PARADISE RECAP)

HAZING RITUALS (RHOC RECAP)

HAZING RITUALS (RHOC RECAP)