PLEASE GOD MAKE IT STOP (BACHELOR IN PARADISE RECAP)
Friends, please release me from this misery.
This has become pure torture.
FOUR HOURS A WEEK OF NONSENSE.
How can I be spending my life like this? Watching JPJ expel body fluids onto sand over and over again? Watching Tayshia get the vapors when the mens fight? Watching a thirty-two year old man cry and cry and try his damndest to beat our Pilot Pete for the Bachelor slot.
Like I don’t even have the energy to react to the meaningless drama from my couch with Demi’s enthusiasm. I can’t even make my face move, it’s just like “frown.”
But thank god for Demi. I mean honestly, it’s clear why the producers were willing to bring her girlfriend to her, Demi is like the only watchable person on this show. She’s funny and decent and like, everyone else, I just want to throw them into the ocean. I also LOVE Kristian and the measured side-eye she throws are errybody. So like can I just get a spin off that is Demi and Kristian trying to make it in Los Angeles or something?
ANYTHING BUT THIS.
I guess let’s check in on our “relationships” but lord do I have a headache over these people.
Hannah and Dylan are boning. Wahoo.
Caelynn and Connor are making out and saying “dude” a lot. Who cares.
Sydney and Mike broke up (I mean literally what is going on, we’ve seen each of them for about two seconds), freeing them to go on dates with Matt Donald and Angela.
Matt Donald teaches Sydney some sign language, including “kiss me.” She does it for him and his tall hair repeatedly, but he does not kiss her because:
Has this dude seen this show? What is happening.
Also, do the producers hate Mike? This guy gets like seconds of air time while they’re literally shoving Derek and JPJ down our throats. Mike and Angela go out and she is like, I’m not here for Clay who is the love of my life. Um, ok girl. Mike and Angela make out.
Nicole is an idiot, sorry bout it.
She literally has the emotional intelligence of a fourteen year old girl who’s watched a lot of rom coms. I can’t with her. She tries to confront Angela and it’s dumb. Like girl, confront your man. Or be above it all. If he wants to get back with his ex, let him. Fighting for a relationship is stupid and never works out.
Then there’s this gray hair:
While Tayshia was dumping him, he literally had a gray hair glinting above his left ear. If that’s not a metaphor, I don’t know what is.