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Hi.

Our thumbs are basically numb from texting back and forth 24/7 about everything we love (AND HATE) that's happening on our televisions, iPads, and eye glasses (hi, we think we're funny) and we thought WHY NOT SHARE THIS JOY WITH THE WORLD?!  

THE BONK HEARD ROUND THE WORLD (RHOC RECAP)

THE BONK HEARD ROUND THE WORLD (RHOC RECAP)

When there are multiple girls’ trips in one short episode of RHOC, it’s guaranteed that someone will be carted off to the hospital, and most of the time that someone is Vicki Gunvalson. But she’s been demoted to friend of the show, so this time the honor goes to Shannon Beador, who has been waiting in the wings to try her hand at Munchausen Syndrome. 

The first trip to Las Vegas is fun, I guess, if your version of fun is reliving Richie Rich but with a grown-ass woman getting drunk off of super skinny margaritas while demanding that a Vegas butler photograph her every cartwheel. But this is Braunwyn’s world and we’re all just living in it with quiet shame. Braunwyn and Kelly are in Sin City to support Emily, who will be featured in a sexy burlesque show. Originally, Emily planned this as an anniversary surprise for Shane, her Gollum of a husband, but he basically swatted Emily away like a bothersome mosquito, so instead she’s corralled some of her girlfriends and Shane’s parents to join. What better way to spend your anniversary than performing burlesque in a thong for your father-in-law? That’s the secret to a long and happy marriage. 

Hi Eddie - don’t think we didn’t notice how snarky you were when you found out about Emily’s show. Eddie might seem calm, cool, and totally devoid of personality, but he’s always been the shadiest housewife. We see you, you saucy yenta. 

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Emily’s dance number is a lot of one-two shuffle, shuffle, flick a hip and twist your wrist, now grab a boob, and grab some more. The crowd goes crazy especially her mother-in-law and I’m longing for simpler times where mothers-in-law and daughters-in-law quietly despised each other.

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The next morning as everyone is getting ready to head back to the OC, Shane shows up in his finest dad jeans with a bouquet of flowers for Emily. Everyone gushes and cheers because this is the most romantic thing a mole rat has ever done, but you get the sense it’s not enough. Emily acknowledges that it’s a nice gesture but there’s a lot of marital work to do. Shane sneers and grunts. I don’t speak mole rat, but I imagine he’s saying something like “I’ll try my best, but my best is living in a tiny hole in the ground and only appearing twice a night to passive-aggressively ignore you.”

All the ladies then head to a wellness retreat in Arizona, and from the jump Kelly is making a mockery of the trip. She makes dick jokes about a giant gong and during a spiritual cleansing ceremony, she focuses solely on some new protein-infused vegan water she’s hawking rather than digging deep and reflecting on something within. Shannon, who organized the trip and loves nothing more than medicine with no scientific basis, is appalled by Kelly’s behavior. 

This all comes to a head when Shannon puts a heavy metal energy-cleansing bowl on her head and Kelly jokingly bonks it with a small mallet. Shannon is convinced that Kelly has irreparably injured her. You can always count on old Tamra to pour gasoline on the fire and she douses it by regaling Shannon with stories of people who thought they had mild head injuries and ended up in the hospital leaking spinal fluid. Welp, inevitably Shannon heads to urgent care and the episode ends with the nurse asking her if she’d like to press assault charges against Kelly. I would hardly call this bonk an assault but if Shannon would like to know what getting assaulted by Kelly Dodd feels like, go ahead and press those charges. I’m sure Kelly will handle that like an adult.

MIS-BEE-HAVIN' (RHOC RECAP)

MIS-BEE-HAVIN' (RHOC RECAP)

A HANDFUL OF HAPPY ENDINGS (BACHELOR IN PARADISE RECAP)

A HANDFUL OF HAPPY ENDINGS (BACHELOR IN PARADISE RECAP)