A HANDFUL OF HAPPY ENDINGS (BACHELOR IN PARADISE RECAP)
Well, if Bachelor in Paradise has taught us anything it’s that there are always some fools ready to get engaged. Even if all signs point to THIS IS NOT YOUR '“PERSON” and GIRLFRIEND, RELATIONSHIPS ARE NOT WORK LIKE THIS, people are still looking for their happy endings NO MATTER WHAT and will throw themselves straight into the fire for it.
Let’s catch up on all our couples:
SWEET BABY DYLAN & ELFIN HANNAH
Oh you wacky Bachelor producers, you can’t fool me! Even with your late in the game “….maybe Hannah wants Dylan to meet her family first…” I knew these two foolios were gonna put a ring on it. The most surprising thing about their engagement was when sweet baby Dylan’s gelled bang fell and looked like a spooky Halloween twig about to take his fucking eye out.
REUNION UPDATE: Still elfin, still sweet in a baby green suit, still in loooooove. Hannah’s gonna move to Cali. Wait, she was INFLUENCING from Birmingham??
DEMI & KRISTIAN
Gah these two! They’ve got what Hannah and Dylan lack—a real explication for why they love each other so much. Demi loves Kristian because she is wise and calm and kind. Kristian loves Demi because she is funny and fearless and spunky. They’re drinking goblets of wine and flutes of mimosas on all their dates. Kristian has even learned the Bachelor lingo for Demi and tells us about how much their relationship has “progressed.” Kristian hobbles up to the engagement mat in a white pantsuit and giant heels that she clearly borrowed from someone cause that walking ain’t steady, I love her. They’ve changed each other’s lives, they love each other so much, they can’t picture their lives without each other, they mix lip glosses and get engaged—yay!
REUNION UPDATE: First of all, Demi’s influence on Kristian’s lewks is a total glow up:
And because Demi proposed to Kristian on the beach but this relationship is all about EQUALITY, Kristian proposes to Demi on the stage and Demi gets her very own Neil Lane sparkler. She breaks down into borderline sobs and I’m like, woah, she’s a good actress because it was pretty obvious that was gonna happen.
NICOLE & CLAY
Ohhhhhh boy, Nicole really is not good at reading a room, is she? The first thing Clay says to her is, “No matter what happens I’ll never forget this experience,” and she like pretends not to notice that he’s clearly saying bye, bitch. When he finally says he doesn’t want to go to the fantasy suite, she starts to do that math. The next day Nicole drinks coffee alone in bed and it’s a whole mood. She still finds the strength to put on her white lace engagement dress—girl packed optimistically, okkurrr!
At the engagement mat, Nicole gives the first speech, It’s hard to hear with the waves. She describes her memories and how she loved him from their first kiss. I mean, really, is that true? I haven’t forgotten Christian, bitch. She ends her speech with Clay do you love me???
He’s so sweaty. He doesn’t love her, he doesn’t want to move in together, he doesn’t want to get engaged, but let’s take things slow and leave together.
Nicole is outraged! She deserves a love so deep the ocean would be jealous. (How long did she work on that line? All night?) Then I guess she breaks up with him because he doesn’t love her? I guess that’s admirable? But it’s been three weeks, so…
REUNION UPDATE: UH THERE ISN’T ONE? What the fuck was that?? You make us watch these two for one million hours and then you don’t even let me watch Nicole / Angela roast Clay on stage? BULLSHIT!
KATIE & CHRIS
GIRLFRIEND I CANNOT HANDLE THIS AT ALL. Katie seems like a very sweet and very beautiful girl who is very fucking confused about what relationships should be and how she should feel with a man who “loves” her. But let’s back up—
Chris tried to break up with her this morning so now Katie needs clarity to where Chris is this afternoon. She says this completely seriously, by the way. KATIE!!!!!
His failed attempt at dumping her let him know that he cares about her a lot and he feels like he’s falling in love with her, hahaaha. She loves it. He says he’s excited to show her he won’t falter.
A fourteen year old girl wrote out their fantasy suite card. Literally if there was a font called, fourteen year old girl, it would be this, lol. Katie and Chris are gonna go bone.
The next day they meet on the engagement mat. He says they went through so many battles. DID THEY. He says she makes him feel calm and like the luckiest man in the world and every time he compliments her she makes a face like she just saw a tiny kitten. AWWWWW. She doesn’t seem to notice that all these compliments are about how she makes him feel, not about her as a person at all.
He cries because he’s been on the Bachelor franchise six times and he knows this is his last chance because no one likes this generic-ass, emotionally-stunted white dude or cares if he’s alone forever.
He gets down on one knee and she ugly cries.
REUNION UPDATE: Ummmmmmm, Katie comes out looking very beautiful and then cries the entire time about how hard their relationship is but how she loves him but how she gives him everything until her tank is empty and he never ever fills it up and she uses this metaphor three thousand times. She doesn’t seem to understand that, no, honey, relationships are not this hard this early on, girl. Demi gets it, she’s crying in the audience because her bestie is being so blind. Chris comes out and mumbles some stunted white guy shit and then in the parking lot shames Katie for “blindsiding” him. It’s all a bunch of trash and according to Instagram these two dummies are still together and I AM HURT.
10 THINGS FROM THE REUNION:
Jordan. Please stop talking. Forever.
Tayshia and JPJ got back together because she wasn’t done being on TV yet.
ABC Cam is allowed to say one sentence before he is completely shut the fuck down by Jordan and Onyeka and why does this guy keep coming on this show, he looks like such a douche bag every single time???
Dean is rocking a salmon sport coat and a bolo tie and long hair and I’m super fucking into it.
We get to hear about how Connor’s feelings were hurt by Caelynn and, uh, where is Whitney, the chick he supposedly left paradise with? Oh, she’s there but she doesn’t get to sit on the stage? Um, ok.
Kristina looked like she got her lip injections freshened up.
Blake looked like a REAL FUCKING TOOL and I hope I never have to see his ass on my TV again. GO TO THERAPY, BLAKE.
Krystal and Chris come out and the main takeaway is that Chris looks like a ghost? A very old lady truck driver? Is he ill? His hair looks weird?
We have to see Carly’s gender reveal over Nicole shaming Clay? WHAT.
The next Bachelor is Peter obviously. He got his hair cut very short on the sides. He’s so grateful for the opportunity. God is looking down on him.