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Hi.

Our thumbs are basically numb from texting back and forth 24/7 about everything we love (AND HATE) that's happening on our televisions, iPads, and eye glasses (hi, we think we're funny) and we thought WHY NOT SHARE THIS JOY WITH THE WORLD?!  

BRAWL IN THE FAMILY (RHOC RECAP)

BRAWL IN THE FAMILY (RHOC RECAP)

If you’ve ever wondered what compelled the cast of RHOC to join the shameless depraved cesspool that is the Real Housewives, look no further than their shitty families. This episode shone a glaring light on some pretty brutal family dynamics that connect the dots for how these women ended up in the dumpster fire that is Bravo Reality TV. 

Tamra is trying to get her two sons to reconcile. On one side, there’s Spencer, the mild-mannered teenager, who looks like a best friend in a young adult movie about two teens that fall hopelessly in love, despite terminal illness. Spencer is patient, kind, and more intelligent than anyone who’s been on this show. Ever. On the other side, you have Ryan, Tamra’s 30-year-old, who is the human version of 4chan. The sons had a falling out over politics - I’ll let you guess which one of them supports Trump’s border wall. Need a hint? Ryan has an inner lip tattoo and Spencer just broke up with his girlfriend to concentrate on his studies. In the middle is Tamra, who just wants everyone to get along and also has no idea how she lucked out with Spencer.  I’m guessing Spencer practiced radical self-reliance (in the words of Dr. Deb) and raised himself.

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Then we have Kelly who wants to visit her family in Arizona, but she and her mom had a falling out a few years ago because her mom was taking advantage of her and they haven’t spoken since. Viewers got to know Kelly’s mom on the show and honestly, I wouldn’t be surprised if she planted the rumor about Kelly getting “trained” by eight dudes. Kelly’s daughter, Jolie, is twice the mom to Kelly than her actual mom ever was and Jolie’s only 12. 

Next we’ve got Braunwyn, who is pretty angry with her mom, Dr. Deb, for letting Braunwyn’s evil aunt take visit her kids. Braunwyn has a “No Evil Aunt” rule - apparently Dr Deb’s sister was pretty spiteful towards Braunwyn as a child - so she doesn’t get to be near Braunwyn’s brood. Well, Dr. Deb broke this rule and instead of apologizing, she is literally like “Hey, there’s a bee! Pollinating that flower!” She may like bees but Dr. Deb is all WASP when it comes to talking about feelings.

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We’ve also got poor Emily, who is throwing her daughter an elaborate birthday party while her mole rat husband Shane refuses to help. Or show Emily affection. Or act with a shred of human decency towards her. He even antagonizes the producers during his interview, which may explain some of his horrendous edits but honestly, how do you give a good edit to a cold-blooded mole rat? Shane and Ryan can get in a car and drive off the edge of the earth. (They both seem like flat-earthers)

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Shannon just wants the world to heal and plans some sort of spiritual workout retreat in Arizona for all the women, Vicki and Kelly included. She’s hoping that the two can put aside their issues and learn to get along. She convinces both of them to join and they both promise to try their best facsimile of a civilized human. When angered both of these women have gone nuclear more than I can count, but sure, put them together in a beehive for some honey tasting in the middle of the desert. I’m sure no one will get stung or sticky.  

A HANDFUL OF HAPPY ENDINGS (BACHELOR IN PARADISE RECAP)

A HANDFUL OF HAPPY ENDINGS (BACHELOR IN PARADISE RECAP)

WHO'S GOING TO THE FANTASY SUITES? (BACHELOR IN PARADISE RECAP)

WHO'S GOING TO THE FANTASY SUITES? (BACHELOR IN PARADISE RECAP)