WHO'S GOING TO THE FANTASY SUITES? (BACHELOR IN PARADISE RECAP)
Definitely not this guy—
Or this guy—
Or these dummies—
Paradise is coming to an end and now is the time for HARD CONVERSATIONS, we are reminded ENDLESSLY by EVERYONE. Even Chris Harrison pops by a few times to make sure we understand that this is ABOUT LOVE. Literally when I turned my TV off last night I thought, thank god, now my watch has ended.
BUT THERE’S STILL NEXT WEEK, FAUUUUK.
At least there is a round of semi-satisfying breakups to contend with and a ROSE CEREMONY tonight. I know, I gasped too! I was like, wait, we’re still doing this stupid rose shit? YES, WE ARE.
DYLAN & HANNAH
Sweet baby Dylan and his bride-to-be Elfin Hannah go on a date to some poor child’s birthday party. Oh god, I hate this so much. It feels so gross when Bachelor producers trot out “white man plays soccer with local children of different ethnicity,” like Dylan is a fucking colonizer. Hannah makes a tamale or a quesadilla — not racist, I love ALL Mexican food, I just literally do not know what she made — and again i feel like I’m watching Dances with Wolves or something as Dylan and Hannah fumble around with this wacky foreign language (Spanish! Like the whole world speaks it!) and FINALLY exchange “I Love You’s” on a bench. Dylan shouts to their hosts—
Me llamo Hannah!
Which of course means, my name is Hannah. Their hosts are like, da fuq? Finally he gets to: Te amo, Hannah!
Likelihood of getting engaged: 5 skittering crabs
In other news,
CONNOR IS ALONE
Since Blake left, Connor has stepped up as SADDEST BOI ON THE BEACH. Thanks, Connor! He mopes about and we get to hear about how he wanted some gal named Whitney to show up because they had SUCH A GREAT TALK at the wedding before EVIL CAELYNN interrupted them and RUINED every single chance Connor ever had at love EVER!!!!! CONNOR WILL NOT GIVE OUT A FRIENDSHIP ROSE!!!!
Gotta say, high five producers, I loved how they fucked with Connor and all the lonely shots of Connor in despair and the empty empty walkway and when they showed their “great conversation at the wedding” which was like “oh wow, we’re both from the Midwest.” HAHHAHAHA. They set his ass up! Super fun! So Connor announces he’s gonna go home cause Whitney ain’t here, bro gets in a van, and then passes Whitney’s van en route to Paradise. I’m dying, I’m dead, I loved it, fuck with this guy all day long, it’s great. Whitney can’t believe that he’s gone when she gets there, “oh my gahhhhh!” she literally says.
The good times are relatively short lived tho—Whitney turns back around to find Connor at his hotel—they make out.
Likelihood of getting engaged: 1 sand through the hourglass
NICOLE & CLAY
Nicole and Clay are gonna go on a date and Nicole is THIRSTY FOR LOVE. She’s gonna badger this man until he drops an L BOMB or leaves her ass on a daybed.
I mean I think we all know what’s going to happen here, right? But bravely they head out on their date anyway and Nicole’s dress is a mess of ugly pink ruffles, did she get it at Justice? It looks like a pre-teen tampon commercial. Clay says he wants to try to make it in the real world when she lives in Miami and he lives in Chicago. She says if she’s gonna move to Chicago she has to know he’s 100% in. And she’s falling for him! She asks, “Do you think you’re falling a little bit?” and he blusters around, has difficulty stringing together sentences until he gets to: “I’m starting to fall in love with you.” LOL.
On the bachelor scale of love, which is:
Starting to fall in love,
Falling in love,
this is basically like, “I would go out with you again and see how the sex is.”
Likelihood of getting engaged: 1 tortilla chip
I know, why is this happening, it feels ridiculous.
Poor Luke S. I mean this guy can’t get a good edit on any of these shows to save his fucking life. He tries to give Bri a rose and she’s like, I can’t accept this because Chris Harrison already warned them, THESE ROSES MEAN LIFELONG COMMITMENT! Then, in the ultimate LOL / PUBLIC SHAMING, Chris appears and asks the gallery if anyone wants Luke’s rose, hahahahahahahs WHAT!
No one does.
Matt Donald is in a pickle because he’s so stupid. Hhahahhaa. His dilemma is: Bri or Sydney, Bri or Sydney?!??! In a tale as old as time, this fool deserves neither of them, but picks Bri and she accepts, and we are forced to ask ourselves why????? until we realize that we don’t care.
Syndey, Haley, and Rev are shoved in a van and sent home.
The next day Chris Harrison shows up again! He announces Bachelor in Paradise as you know it is over! Time for romantic dates and fantasy suites and SERIOUS CONVERSATIONS. He says this is the serious part of paradise and invokes all the married paradisians as an example of how THIS PROCESS WORKS.
Everyone’s freaking out! ARE THEY READY TO MAKE THE NEXT STEP AS A COUPLE? If not they gotta CHECK OUT.
The first to fall are—
Matt Donald & Bri
Matt Donald is “so excited” about his relationship with Bri and says they are going to make it work outside of paradise. HAHAHAHA, what an idiot. He says she is so much more than a supermodel!! LOL. Listen, a dude with that forehead mohawk isn’t leaving with a supermodel. YOU AIN’T TYLER CAMERON, BRO.
And then she’s like, yeah, you should’ve chosen Sydney, bye.
CHASE & ANGELA
Who? They break up.
JPJ & TAYSHIA
Do I understand these two as a couple? No. Did I love his denim speedo and think they were real cute in their Titanic-themed drawing date, yes?
See, the clincher between these two is that they have a lot of fun together, they really seem to have a lot of silly fun, but Tayshia is old and divorced and like me, she knows that real long term shit ain’t all about fun, like you’ve got to find somebody who wants to spend money like you and raise children like you and be a vegan like you or whatever. The point is, compatiability long term is about a lot more than sand castles.
JPJ professes his love. She kisses and hugs him. But her eyes are wild over his shoulder. Finally she’s like “That’s a lot huh.” Hahhaah, what? They break up.
Then she runs after him. Crying crying, she’s sorry she’s sorry. And then he picks her up and carries her off? She collapses against him like a Victorian with the Vapors. She fucking loves some romance novel drama, lol.
He gets in the van and remembers to put his seatbelt on. Most of them don’t.
Tayshia gets in a van sobbing. She does not put on her seatbelt. See, they could’ve never made this work.
KRISTIAN & DEMI
Finally we’ve made it to the realest couple on the beach, Kristian and Demi.
Kristian and Demi have a very mature conversation about Demi’s continued anxiety about finding her way as a lesbian and Kristian needing to share her emotions as well and ultimately how much they love one another. I love them!
Likelihood of getting engaged: 5 Birkenstocks
KATIE & CHRIS
OH GIRL. OH GIRL, NO. KATTTTTTTTTTTTTIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEE GODAMMIT!
Listen, here’s what I need to say, if you have to convince a man with all sorts of emotional trouble that you are gonna be here for him and hold him and make him better and listen to him and put up with his unevolved bullshit, YOU ARE BEING A FOOL. Next time, Katie, just be like, Chris, bro, when you’ve gotten yourself together and done some therapy over your intimacy issues, call me. You do not give this fool a PEP TALK TO BE YOUR MAN. He tells her straight up, “I’m difficult,” and “To have you still sitting here is a testament to the person you are.”
WHEN PEOPLE SHOW YOU WHO THEY ARE, BELIEVE THEM, BITCH!
Likelihood of getting engaged: 1 hot wing from Chris’ shitty Chicago bar
Just one episode left, SEE YOU NEXT WEEK!