BLAKE'S STUPID TANK TOPS (BACHELOR IN PARADISE RECAP)
POOF! I’m a lesbian now! It was a combination of too many slouchy Blake tank tops and the mature and empathetic conversation by Demi & Kristian that brought about this great miracle! Where once I thought i would be alone forever because, you know, men, now there is hope!
You know who else has hope?
Gah, I am all over this stupid love story like the secret hopeless romantic I am. Do I think Dean is a changed man? I mean, probably not. Like did he become less selfish and narcissistic overnight? Surely not. But like why shouldn’t Caelynn ride around in a van and go on adventures while she is young and free? What else does she have to do? If they’ve got that sweet sweet instagram money coming in, WHY THE FUCK NOT. Look, I am a sucker for a man coming to his senses moment, and this was adorable! Dean and Caelynn make out. Connor sneers. Here for it!
Also, for real, you gotta have respect for a girl who can break up with a doofus and run off to live that #vanlife, all while wearing a WHITE swimsuit with a HIGH CUT HIP. I look like Jabba the Hutt in a high cut hip and haven’t worn white since 2003. And this girl is like mounting daybeds with a camera two feet away and a hip cut up to her tits, so RESPECT.
Also, this bro literally has trouble stringing sentences together, so BOI BYE.
But don’t worry too much about Connor—he’s gonna shove his tongue down some girl’s throat that we’ve never seen before in our lives and will never see again. Mazel!
Another couple we don’t care about: Katie and Chris. Katie is very stressed about Chris’ “walls.” Maybe it’s cause I’m a cold hearted beeotch, but like if your man has got walls up, like go do something else. It ain’t your job to knock them down. Like paint a picture, do some science, learn to surf. Like I don’t even care what you do but being your man’s emotional guide is gonna take you nowhere fast, you heard it here first.
Katie pays me no mind and Chris says he’s 100% committed to her and wants to give her everything he has to offer, which is not much, though he does have a partial stake in a shitty bar in Chicago, so there’s that.
In other news—
Good lord, everyone is going crazy about how wonderful this prom was and I’m like, haven’t you guys ever been to a costume party???? Like no shade, but this “prom” wasn’t a revelation. Some producers hung up some mylar alphabet balloons on another one of these damn daybeds and Tayshia put on her engagement gown (I guess she won’t be needing that to get engaged??) and then a SAXOPHONIST showed up??? I mean, what in the world.
But, hey, it seems to have restored the internet’s love for JPJ, so good on ya.
Then my greatest love: Kristian.
Seriously, America doesn’t deserve Kristian. Bitch just radiates stability, empathy, wisdom and then we even got a montage of her LAUGHING. WHAT CAN’T SHE DO? Anywhoozie, Demi is starting to flip out over being an out lesbian on national TV and starts deflecting and projecting and acting all sorts of la la, and our girl Kristian is just a reasonable, thoughtful rock until these two are made up. They are the only ones I want to get engaged. DO IT!
Honestly, i know I keep saying this, but has anyone ever gotten a worse edit that BLAKE!!!!
THIS GUY. First of all, his tank tops are bad. His intro pew pew pew finger guns are bad. For some reason his mic necklace is more noticeable and douchey on him than on anyone else. He cries ALL THE TIME. He seems to have literally ZERO perspective on himself or what he wants or what he needs or who he is. Get thee to therapeeeee, Blake!
I mean, when old boy was all “Kristina is going to be the mother of my children,” — I literally died. Like the whole time she was giving him very lukewarm feedback on his whole hail mary imma be with Kristina shit anyway and then this fool goes and lights some votives and thinks he deserves a Nobel because of it and then is surprised when she dumps him. Man, that shit was epic. And then he’s crying crying, why isn’t he enough for anyone, why doesn’t Hannah, Becca, Kristina, Caelynn love him??? Look at all he had to learn and at what cost!!!! And I’m just like, wow o wow, this is the whitest man in America.
See you tonight!