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Hi.

Our thumbs are basically numb from texting back and forth 24/7 about everything we love (AND HATE) that's happening on our televisions, iPads, and eye glasses (hi, we think we're funny) and we thought WHY NOT SHARE THIS JOY WITH THE WORLD?!  

STORM'S A-BREWING (RHOC RECAP)

STORM'S A-BREWING (RHOC RECAP)

Season 14 of the oldest, and dare I say trashiest, franchise of Real Housewives kicks off and the women of the RHOC have changed. Namely, Vicki Gunvalson has been demoted to friend-of-the-show, leaving a vacuum once occupied by a pathological sociopathic liar desperate to get engaged and sell you life insurance. To fill this gaping wound, the other ladies are stepping up. 

Shannon Bedor introduces herself as Shannon STORMS Bedor. Is STORMS her middle name or did she adopt this as some sort of middle-aged moniker to attract wealthy divorcees, looking for a lady in the streets but a Marvel Cosplayer in the sheets? Shannon has lost over 40lbs and is dating up and down the Pacific Coast. I imagine Shannon’s morning routine is not complete without pressing play on Gloria Gaynor’s “I Am What I Am,” and twirling, arms spread, in front of her full-length skinny mirror.

Shannon is now besties with Kelly Dodd who is dating Dr. Brian Reagan, a plastic surgeon who gives me “body parts in the freezer” vibes. She met him where she “got her boobies done” (how romantic) but she seems super happy and her face seems super pulled back so she’s reaping the benefits of this arrangement.

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But every yang has its yin and poor Gina is back for another season, mid-divorce, with a newly-acquired DUI. I think this DUI might be a crucial point of conflict throughout the entire season but I’m way more interested in Shannon Beador’s squatting routine than anything Gina has to offer. 

Emily is also, well, here. She’s still being an attorney and mother to her three young children, while her mole rat of a husband Shane finds a hole to burrow in while studying to pass the bar, which he’s already failed twice. Shane is still a gaslighting, oaf of a husband. He and Ryan, Tamra’s son, can go play in traffic. Speaking of which…

Tamra bought a new house in the gated community of Coto de Caza, which she insists is the most desirable area of the OC. Vicki and Jeana from RHOC-past already live in this community so I guess it’s desirable the way chlamydia is desirable - it’s not the worst STI to contract but you still don’t want any part of it. Tamra’s eldest son, Ryan, is at war with her younger son, Spencer, because Spencer is liberal and Ryan is a Trump supporter. Ryan also has an inner lip tattoo. Very on brand. I can’t believe I’m saying this but I would listen to Camille Grammer’s take on the Brett Kavanaugh hearings 100 times over listening to Ryan talk about apple juice, let alone national politics.

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Kelly and Shannon head out for drinks and Kelly gets to meet one of Shannon’s many suitors, Ken. He is very patient and kind when Kelly asks if he shaves his balls. He also is totally open to public makeouts with Shannon. What I’m saying is a very staid, adult time is had by all. Kelly’s friend Braunwyn shows up. Braunwyn has seven children with her very hot husband Sean. She’s also got a slamming body, a hot and wacky doctor mom, and she’s also been breastfeeding for 18 years straight. I’m guessing she’s Vicki’s replacement, which is fine by me. She seems fun, sweet, and straight shooting. But this is the OC. Which means that under that great smile, fake boobs, and pile of children, something ain’t right. I guess we’ll have to begrudgingly watch to find out what darkness lies beneath.

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EVERYBODY LOVES ELFIN HANNAH (BACHELOR IN PARADISE RECAP)

EVERYBODY LOVES ELFIN HANNAH (BACHELOR IN PARADISE RECAP)

DID HE BONE CHRIS HARRISON, THO? (BACHELOR IN PARADISE RECAP)

DID HE BONE CHRIS HARRISON, THO? (BACHELOR IN PARADISE RECAP)