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Hi.

Our thumbs are basically numb from texting back and forth 24/7 about everything we love (AND HATE) that's happening on our televisions, iPads, and eye glasses (hi, we think we're funny) and we thought WHY NOT SHARE THIS JOY WITH THE WORLD?!  

DID HE BONE CHRIS HARRISON, THO? (BACHELOR IN PARADISE RECAP)

DID HE BONE CHRIS HARRISON, THO? (BACHELOR IN PARADISE RECAP)

Let me ask you something—do you think that Blake knew Kristina was setting him up on this date, or do you think his ego is big enough that he was just thinking awwww poor Kristina, she still likes me??? Because I think that sweet, dumb oaf Blake was riding around in that ATV working on his speech where he was going to “let her down easy” and talk about “keeping options open” and “exploring relationships.” But things quickly went from this:

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To this:

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I gotta say, this is where I think these producers are amazing at their jobs. Because some producer is bff with Blake enough to lull him into this false sense of security and get him all hyped that he’s the hottest ticket on this beach. I mean, Blake, my dude, did you really not think that the producers weren’t gonna put all your business on the telly for us to enjoy?? OF COURSE THEY WERE. And enjoy we did.

The Blake—Kristina—Caelynn—Tayshia—Hannah G. love pentagon takes up most of this episode and what’s most interesting about it, honestly, is seeing Blake completely self destruct over losing control over his own narrative and image. Blake’s crying and says he’s going to have to go into hiding and it’s going to be hard on everyone in his life. It should be noted he’s wearing a peach tank top during this breakdown.

Is Blake a bad guy? Should he have boned all these gals? I mean, look, clearly that’s what he’s into right now, and I’m sure it’s a bummer if you were actually looking to lock his ass down. But lemme just say, the easiest way not to have a meltdown about what your national image is going to be is to just act how you want to be perceived. So Blake acted like a fuckboi and now we all think he’s a fuckboi. The end.

Though I will also say Cool Girl to Scorned Lover is not my favorite look for either Kristina or Caelynn. Did it guarantee them some screentime, yes. But also, they both looked a little cray cray IMO—especially when Caelynn’s like hyperventilating and sobbing and he’s like I’m sorry I’m sorry and trying to make it better until she storms away. Like, girlfriend, there is a middle ground between I’m the Cool Girl, you do whatever you want I don’t care, and Hysterical WHY DON’T YOU LOVE ME Woman. And like who is gonna date you now when you’re being all cray cray?

OH MY GOD ABC CAM WILL.

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Oh how the mighty have fallen.

To wrap up the Blake storyline—our boi puts on literally the most ridiculous shirt ever to begin his redemption narrative. It has flamingos and suns and palm trees and is so loud and stupid and I worry this is the exact shirt I would pick out if I wear a man. But, my dude, this isn’t the shirt you wear when you’re trying to rebuild your image. It’s a stupid shirt to be wearing when you need people to take you seriously.

But now Blake “has clarity” and he’s lighting candles because he’s going to start pursuing Hannah G., SHE IS THE REASON HE CAME TO PARADISE, Y’ALL. Blake unloads onto Hannah about how he’s done everything wrong so far but he is going to do everything right especially with her. Then he’s like, you’re the reason I’m here. And compliments her dress, and that softens her. Easy peasy, they make out.

Honestly, he seems real creepy and unstable and insincere to me. But he’s thrilled.

The other main storyline features this guy:

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Clay used to date Angela, who I can’t picture in my mind and am too lazy to google. He says they broke up months ago and he wants to get to know Snoozeville Nicole. Bibiana also thinks she has a connection with him, but is disabused of that notion when Clay picks Snoozeville Nicole for the date. But before they can go, Annaliese, who is BEST FRIENDS WITH ANGELA, is going to confront Clay about being a single man going on dates in Paradise because she will defend her friend!!!!!!

Honestly, I can’t think of one of my friends’ relationships that I could cry over, even for screentime. But National Hero Annaliese makes it happen.

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Demi says of Annaliese, “It’s like grandma’s off her meds,” and maybe I love Demi?

Nicole and Clay’s date is so boring and I’m praying to death that the producers are not going to hang their hats on this relationship and make me watch hours of it because Clay has trouble putting together sentences and Nicole has never once said one interesting thing. Thank you, next!

In other news, my sweet baby Dylan is getting his little heart stomped on because he’s trying to lock down the most eligible bachelorette, Hannah G., but she’s still exploring options. He literally says, “I like you so much, it’s so stressful.” Dylan’s too pure for this world.

John Paul Jones and Onyeka make out LOUDLY. Then this weirdo Jane tried to get up on JPJ but she’s clearly a nutjob.  Then he pukes up the taco she gave him because it’s too spicy and it’s the best television I’ve ever seen. JPJ keeps saying he’s good and then puking. Jane cries.

Annaliese is trying to lock down Chris Bukowski and for some reason she has a stethoscope. Is there a treasure chest of props somewhere? But, honestly, these two seem like the right match.

Bibi’s crying at the bar because no one loves her.

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So Anneliese goes over comfort her and Kristina takes the opportunity to try and steal Bukowski. LOL.

No rose ceremony yet, but gotta say, this season is off to an EXCELLENT start and I CANNOT WAIT for BIG MIKE to arrive.

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STORM'S A-BREWING (RHOC RECAP)

STORM'S A-BREWING (RHOC RECAP)

BLAKE'S DIRTY DICK (BACHELOR IN PARADISE RECAP)

BLAKE'S DIRTY DICK (BACHELOR IN PARADISE RECAP)