BLAKE'S DIRTY DICK (BACHELOR IN PARADISE RECAP)
Tonight’s Bachelor in Paradise premiere is all about ARRIVALS and BACKSTORIES and BLAKE’S DIRTY DICK.
SPOILER ALERT: Blake is no longer this guy:
Like a million douche-bros before him, Blake has risen from the ashes of rejection and has decided to bone as many gals as possible until that hole in his heart is filled all the way da fuq up. That’s his business, he’s only THIRTY YEARS OLD YOU KNOW.
<screams to death>
But let’s start with where our Bachelor Nation producers really shine—INTRO PACKAGES.
TAYSHIA IS HERE in a hot pink bikini and her teeth are blinding. She assures us that she is no longer heartbroken over Colton (hahahaha, no shit girl, that was the biggest friendzone I’ve ever seen in my life and I literally went out with a dude for like six weeks and he never kissed me) and her dad says she needs to wear a turtleneck in Paradise. Solid advice, Ed. (I don’t know if that’s his name but it feels right.)
BLAKE IS HERE and he’s ready to give love another shot. He says the key to Paradise is being open and honest — pow pow pow it’s CHEKHOV’S GUN.
KATIE IS HERE — the mythical Katie who all the girls love who we never ever heard speak is somehow popping up in the bushes in a trench coat and stalking Blake’s work outs like a flasher? I’m confused. Then she goes home to review a Homeland-esque posterboard of “intel” on the guys and since this show has had trouble with consent before, this seems like an auspicious start.
ABC CAM IS HERE and got the producers to make a little music video of him rapping in a club. Wow. It’s a big cringe.
JANE IS HERE and she says she’s anything put plain and makes some scrambled eggs and squirts sriracha all over them and then brushes her teeth with hot sauce and says she’s THE HEAT. It’s super gross and I think we know why she got sent home on night one of Colton’s season.
ELFIN HANNAH IS HERE. Still tiny, still elfin. Paradise’s #1 catch.
DEMI IS HERE and she’s dating a woman now and is like super happy about it so she’s coming to Paradise to see how badly she can fuck it up. You go girl!
CLAY IS HERE and look, cut the guy some slack, his NFL career didn’t work out and then his relationship with Angela didn’t work out. THE PAIN. He’s got his heart set on Nicole to salve his wounds.
NICOLE IS HERE but if I didn’t write it down in my notes I would’ve already forgotten about it, she’s such a snooze, how did she even get on this show if she can’t make an interesting intro package???? She does some lame planking on the beach and packs eight boxes of tissue. Seems optimistic. <—That was a sex joke, get it?
CHRIS BUKOWSKI IS HERE and he looks old because he is old and his claim to fame is that he’s been on shows they don’t even make anymore. Give it up, brah.
SOME PEOPLE SHOW UP WHO DON’T EVEN GET INTRO PACKAGES LIKE:
Have you ever met anyone prouder to have a name? Who is like, my parents gave me a name that is somewhat satisfying to say over and over again and now that is my entire personality? JOHN PAUL JONES JOHN PAUL JONES. I suppose I am here for those abs, the hair flips, the audacity to wear a speedo with no discernible bulge (that’s its own flex right there), and the general objectifying of this man. He was born to be on this show.
And my former love until he got engaged to Taylor and then dated Stephanie Pratt and then seemed to get older and creepier:
He still looks enough like John Krasinski to whet my whistle, tho.
Also here but apparently not interesting enough for fanfare: Dylan, Bibiana, Annaliese, Wills, Onyeka (and an air horn? Girl. Calm down.) and Caelynn, who needs no intro package because bitch is about to run Blake up the flagpole for all of our pleasure.
Caelynn tells us over and over again that she was seeing Blake and he PLAYED HER. He boned her and ghosted her and he also boned Kristina and THERE IS HELL TO PAY. Blake has also been sliding into Elfin Hannah’s DMs and flirted with Tayshia at Stagecoach and basically thinks he’s hot shit and has not been disabused of this notion since all the girls there besides Caelynn are all over his jock.
Me? I’m team this goober:
Dylan says Elfin Hannah is out of his league and I appreciate that he seems to have some sense of self. The rest of these bros, MYGOD. Like ABC CAM thinks it’s a real possibility he might find “the mother of his mother’s grandchildren” here. HAHAHHAHA, LAWD.
The guys have the roses this week and Blake (of course) has the date card. Everyone assumes he’s going to choose Elfin Hannah but instead he chooses Tayshia who he was also drunkenly flirting with at Stagecoach before he boned Caelynn but after he porked Kristina.
WELL. ELFIN HANNAH IS HURT. She is BLINDSIDED.
Demi and Derek go to the hot tub to make out.
Blake and Tayshia’s date consists of walking into a million twinkly lights and making out in a hut tub.
And then KRISTINA arrives. She looks super skinny in a way that makes me nervous. She reports the same Stagecoach Blake’s dirty dick story to Chris Harrison so Chris rewards her with a date card so she can walk in with some ammo. Literally that’s what he said and as soon as Kristina walks in, Blake literally looks like he’s been shot:
Through gritted teeth, Blake tells the camera he was happy to see Kristina come down the stairs. LOL FOREVER BLAKE.
Cam jumps up to try and go on a date with Kristina and she’s not impressed. Cam says she could be his future wife and that he’s “calling it kinda early, but she’s going to make an amazing mom.” Wow he’s such a douche.
Sydney says she hopes this all blows up in Blakes face. Me too. Like right now, let’s go. And then Kristina asks Blake on the date and then as she’s doing her hair, let’s us know this is some REVENGE SHIT and she’s “not gonna get dicked over again.”
HOLY SHIT SEE YOU TONIGHT.