heauxs.jpeg

Hi.

Our thumbs are basically numb from texting back and forth 24/7 about everything we love (AND HATE) that's happening on our televisions, iPads, and eye glasses (hi, we think we're funny) and we thought WHY NOT SHARE THIS JOY WITH THE WORLD?!  

TRAIN OF FOOLS (RHOC RECAP)

TRAIN OF FOOLS (RHOC RECAP)

Last week’s #RHOC ended on a cliff-hanger about a vague rumor of Kelly on a train, and sadly, no matter how hard I prayed, it was not related to an awe-inspiring vintage Brio collection that she won in her divorce. A girl can dream. We quickly learn that the rumor that’s been floating around the OC is about Kelly having sex with eight guys in a row. “Getting trained” according to Tamra.

Upon hearing this salacious gossip months ago, Shannon, Tamra, and Vicki made a pact never to mention it again. Except in this episode. Over and over. Shannon even proclaims that “to put out a notion that a woman will have sex with multiple people in front of others will never happen,” except of course in her multitude of interviews during this show, where she talks about train boinking. Choo Choo!

secrets.gif

As a courtesy, Braunwyn calls Kelly as soon as she finds out about this rumor, which is the right thing to do, though you’d think she had drowned a crate full of puppies by the way the other women react to this news. They all tear into her for poking Kelly the bear.

Meanwhile, Emily is trying to make the best of a bad situation, and by bad situation, I mean her mole rat of a husband Shane. Shane won’t be joining her in Vegas for their anniversary to watch her dance in a sexy Vegas show. Emily has invited the ladies instead, and seems excited to shake off her crumbling and emotionally exhausting marriage with some sexy salsa moves. 

Every once and awhile, the Real Housewives franchise veers off of heavily scripted reality show territory and into honest-to-god reality and there’s no better example of this than Braunwyn, sitting at her kitchen counter alone, after her husband has packed up their seven kids for a trip to a resort. Braunwyn has to meet with someone about a book deal and it’s the first time she’s been alone without her kids in years, with only her thoughts to keep her company. As she quietly weeps over her coffee, the camera lingers as if to say “Honey, if you think this is bad, you’re gonna freaking DIE at the reunion.”  

Because Gina is having a terrible year of DUIs and arrests and divorces and lost licenses and misplaced sunglasses, Shannon organizes a shopping adventure to the big city of LA where the ladies try on clothes, cry about their sad marriages, and tear each other down. Emily and Shannon have some side drama where Emily took to twitter to blast Shannon over allegations that Shannon said she and Emily wouldn’t be back on the show. It’s very tense and they passive aggressively converse in beginner spanish that says nothing more than “I speak Spanish and so do you” but their tone says EVERYTHING. 

Shannon.png

At lunch, Emily pries for information about the train rumor and Kelly screams for the whole table to drop it and F-off, stomping off. Well, Tamra and Shannon are aghast that Kelly would react so brutally; after all; they merely surfaced an obscene rumor on national television that could ruin Kelly’s life. 

Tamra.gif

First, they blame Braunwyn for telling Kelly in the first place. Then they find Kelly to explain that they never meant to hide the rumor from her; they just didn’t want to give the rumor legs and had promised never to talk about...except in countless interviews on this episode. This show’s bread and butter is gaslighting Kelly because she’ll unquestionably lose her shit in a heartbeat and run her mouth uncontrollably, but I gotta say, this seems particularly sleazy and cruel. And that’s saying a lot for a show where faking cancer was THE storyline for a three years.

THE EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OF JOHN PAUL JONES (BACHELOR IN PARADISE RECAP)

THE EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OF JOHN PAUL JONES (BACHELOR IN PARADISE RECAP)

BEACH FATIGUE (BACHELOR IN PARADISE RECAP)

BEACH FATIGUE (BACHELOR IN PARADISE RECAP)