THE EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OF JOHN PAUL JONES (BACHELOR IN PARADISE RECAP)
Multiple choice question:
Is John Paul Jones
a) a modern-day Spicoli-inspired prophet
c) an intersectional feminist
b) a truth-telling protegee of Iyanla Vanzant
d) all of the above
Where once I only merely enjoyed the surf-bro antics, hairless nipples, and flaxen locks of JPJ, tonight I have become a full-fledged JPJ-stan for JPJ is the only person on this godforsaken beach and at this stupid made-for-TV wedding (were all the dangling “crystals” for “Krystal”?? BARF-O-RAMA) that is willing to speak one ounce of truth.
I do not want to hear one word about how it was rude for him to interrupt this wedding cocktail party with his drama. Not one word! Because dear, sweet, JPJ is the only person here cracking the door and letting the light shine in. As if every single producer at this wedding wasn’t like, go over there and tell Derek what you think right now! As if Krystal and a dude named motherfucking GOOSE weren’t living for every ounce of attention his drama reverberated back onto them. As if this wasn’t the fakest looking wedding a bitch has ever seen—this was some real Days of Our Lives shit. Like there were like two moms and three hundred Bachelor people. Either Krystal and Goose literally have zero friends and no cousins, or this whole thing is a sham and JPJ is the only person brave enough to speak any truth to power, which is, namely, that these fools are all on a TV show and that they are all in tacit agreement this TV show ain’t reality at all, but that reality is what is happening after—at Stagecoach, on Derek’s podcast, and in the DMs.
God I loved this meltdown.
(Also, did JPJ turn me on when he offered a handshake to the two errant family members with a quick and deep-throated “John Jones”? Yes, he did. Hero.)
I suppose I should back up. So listen, Tayshia, of the expert manipulator of dat dick Tayshias, is now in a love triangle with JPJ and Derek because instead of just telling JPJ she’s moved on to Derek, she’s stringing everyone along because paradise is about “exploring options.” Whatever. But! Suddenly JPJ is IN LOOOOOVE with Tayshia and he has a full on sobbing fit over potentially losing her.
Here’s where he kind of loses me a bit, because 1) when did he FALL IN LOVE with Tayshia? and 2) he says he’s been looking for his wife since he was eighteen and I’m like, um, what are you talking about? But look, I’m going to go with it because this is our boi doing cartwheels on the beach and vomiting spicy tacos and his feelings HAVE BEEN HURT and I will hold him to my goddamn bosom until he recovers.
But JPJ will not stand by and let Tayshia’s honor be tarnished by the likes of Derek! Watching JPJ roll this Derek situation over and over in his mind and getting increasingly heated was a true joy. It appears that JPJ and Derek had an off-camera discussion where Derek revealed himself to be, let’s just say, not pure of heart. UM YES NO SHIT. Hhahahahhaa. All you gots to say to me is Derek, Stephanie Pratt, podcast, crying over a 24 year old Demi and I’m like, yes, Derek is not a stand up dude looking to get married and procreate, LOL Y’ALL. Remember when people used to have jobs? Like they’d come on this show as like “accountant” and go home and “accountant” again? Now everyone’s “podcast host” or “influencer” and “stagecoach dick” and like the pursual of fame paired with this whole pure love journey is getting messier and messier.
Here for it!
So JPJ confronts Derek twice.
Truthfully he doesn’t give Derek much time to speak, but I’m here for that too. Because when Derek finally gets a chance to address these accusations, this is what he says:
“Honestly, John, I was trying to give you a fun experience and talk to you about how we both have fun together after this and you know like enjoy the other fruits of the fact that we do some cool things after this. Like that’s awesome. That’s what that was. That was literally me asking you to hang out.”
This is the fucking funniest thing i have ever heard in my entire life. “Enjoy the other fruits of the fact that we do some cool things after this.” HAHAHAHAH I AM DEAD.
We have two other storylines: CAELYNN AND HER HEART and Nicole-Clay-Angela. Let’s start with Caelynn who immediately gets dumped by Dean at the open. Dean tells her directly: I know I can’t get where you want me to be at the end of this, I wholeheartedly know this. He’s like, so we should call this off now, on your birthday. (LOL) He’s like our lifestyles are not compatible. I mean, honestly, he seems sensible throughout it. He’s like Imma go back to my van.
Caelynn cries and and cries and says, I thought he was my forever. REALLY GIRL? He BLINDSIDED her. DID HE GIRL? I mean everyone knows that when people tell you who they are, BELIEVE THEM. Listen to Maya, girl! He told you he wanted to live in a van, why you shocked?
At the wedding, Caelynn barely holds her shit together. LOVE GAH. I mean girl, you’re like 24, you will have opportunities to get married. LOL. Caelynn perks up when Connor arrives and touches her hair a lot and asks if she looks ok. Caelynn pulls Connor to talk. What is wrong with his voice? Why does he sounds like such a dummy? Everything happens for a reason, bro, he says. (They used to say this in my sorority right before the hazing began, watch out, girl!) He says a lot of stupid stuff and she loves it and giggle giggle they hold hands and make out.
The next day in the shock heard around the world—Connor appears on paradise. Both Kristina and Caelynn pee their pants while my hero, Kristian, looks on unimpressed. On their date, Connor and Caelynn are gonna paint with their bodies obviously. Not a metaphor. Then they just pour paint on each other and make out. He literally seems like he has a hard time putting together sentences. They make out and he has paint in his teeth. What is this show.
Then there was the bridesmaid saunter to end all bridesmaids saunters—DUM DUM DAHHHHHH ANGELAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
Look, Nicole is cute and all, but ANGELA BROUGHT THAT SHIT. I fucking loved her smirk and her sass and her makeup looked great and she just served EX GIRLFRIEND realness all over that fake ass wedding. What I am confused about though is why anyone wants to fight over Clay. WHY AREN’T Y’ALL FIGHTING OVER MIKE????? WHERE IS MIKE? LIke why is Tayshia trying to get on Derek’s dirty d while Mike is RIGHT THERE? Is Mike protecting his slim chance of becoming Bachelor? WHAT IS HAPPENING.
Anyway, then there’s a bunch of drama about whether or not Clay still has feelings for Angela and how they broke up and we don’t really get any new details. Has Clay ever said why he dumped her? Any real reason? Because I haven’t heard it.
Nicole is disappointed Clay didn’t introduce her to his best friends. Tayshia adds fuel to that fire. She insists Nicole gets answers! He’s like don’t worry about Angela, and she’s like, I’m not worried, while clearly being worried and wearing a too light foundation. So of course it’s time for Angela to enter paradise.
HEY GIRL HEY!