BEACH FATIGUE (BACHELOR IN PARADISE RECAP)
I feel weary. I admit it might just be me. I was in Scotland for a week and I’m jet-lagged and I watched both of last week’s episodes on Sunday and then tonight’s episode and like six hours of Bachelor in Paradise all in a row, man, it’s borderline torture. Look, when Clay and Nicole are the “strongest couple,” I’m bored as hell. I’m so bored by all of these people.
Tonight we’re promised some new arrivals and I’m exhausted by these C-crowd mofos dragging their asses onto my beach. It’s the BOTTOM OF THE BARRELL, FRIENDS. Hailey! Who asked for more Hailey? Like was this girl on Sean Lowe’s season? I can’t even remember but ol’ girl has been around TOO LONG.
TAHZJUAN. This girl was on the verge of a mental breakdown from the second she arrived and I was like, do they have the psychologist standing by because girl is NOT RIGHT.
As I’m watching the opening credits I wonder, is it just that I don’t like any of these people??????
I’m fascinated by Tayshia’s boobs and the way she manipulates men but that’s it. Now that my sweet baby Dylan is all hooked up with Hannah, he’s not even getting any screentime and I don’t get to see him touch his hair. Even Blake’s dirty dick has lost its allure. Supposedly Sydney and Mike are together but all we see of them is her stretching his calf? Is she a PT?? Bukowski, I’m supposed to care about Bukowski???
<<<walks into lake, never to emerge again>>>
I mean I used to love Derek but like, now, Derek, honey, dude, YOU ARE 32. Demi is 24. Like dude, c’mon. You’re hot but like what is happening, how am I supposed to deal with you crying over Demi? YOU ARE A GROWN ASS MAN. Why are you dating 24 year olds?? Is this all a desperate plea to be Bachelor? But like, bro looks old. No shade, I think he’s hot and I’d take him off the market. But like on a show like this, I’m like, you look too old to be dating girls who just graduated college, gahhhhross, pull yourself together, get a 401k and a mortgage.
I only like Kristian and her Rose Ceremony dress that looks like a pantsuit. Bring me that Hillary Clinton energy girl, I am HERE FOR IT. Kristian is skeptical as fuck and I love her. She’s like, Demi, why are you rolling around with JPJ, get your act together. Kristian is the fucking bomb, dropping monotone truths and skeptical eyebrows everywhere.
Also, in the record scratch of the century, I also like Dean, who tells Caelynn directly, “You would hate being my girlfriend,” and ol girl STILL CANNOT HEAR IT. He’s like, I wanna live in a van and do whatever I want, and she’s like, IS THIS A RELATIONSHIP? GAH I CANNOT HANDLE IT TODAY.
Fine, let’s talk about John Paul Jones.
I mean at least he’s hilarious. And hot. When he rolled out in his Ralph Lauren Gondolier outfit, I liked it. When he tasted the fake food and almost puked (AGAIN) I liked it. When he made no sense in his interviews, I liked it. So yay for JPJ.
Tahzjuan on the other hand, I did not like. I mean she just seemed like blatantly unhinged and that’s really not fun to watch, it’s scary and worrisome.
Tayshia decides she’s gonna mack on Derek and puts on her hottest red dress and makes it happen. Good on ya, Tayshia! Katie cries over Bukowski. GIRL. JPJ chooses Hailey over the insane Tahzjuan. NO SHIT. Kristina convinces Blake to give her a friendship rose by telling him he’d be leading Caitlin on otherwise. I mean Blake is getting the worst edit in BIP history. And just like that, every single one of the new girls goes home.
Will I survive tonight’s Goose and Crystal wedding? GOD LORD I HONESTLY DON’T KNOW.