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Hi.

Our thumbs are basically numb from texting back and forth 24/7 about everything we love (AND HATE) that's happening on our televisions, iPads, and eye glasses (hi, we think we're funny) and we thought WHY NOT SHARE THIS JOY WITH THE WORLD?!  

OFF THE RAILS (RHOC RECAP)

OFF THE RAILS (RHOC RECAP)

We pick up RHOC where we left off - at Tamra’s awkward and sparsely attended housewarming party. In typical RHOC fashion, Vicki fights with everyone, even Braunwyn the new girl, and Tamra offers Eddie anal in front of her new neighbors. Charming and understated. If you look closely, you can see all of Tamra’s neighbors bracing themselves as their property values plummet.

Gina is going through hell right now. Her ceiling is leaking, she lost her license when she got a DUI, and she’s in the middle of an ugly divorce. She reveals to Emily (and later to Tamra), who has taken to the role of everyone’s sage Auntie with gusto, that her ex Matt had an affair before Emily came on the show. Given that Matt has been living in LA full-time, this isn’t a surprise to anyone. Gina never brought up the affair before because she wanted to protect her kids but now there has been a seismic shift. Gina and Matt tried to work on their marriage for months after the affair and decided it was best to get amicably divorced. BUT Gina just found out that Matt is still seeing the other woman and perhaps never stopped. She’s devastated. 

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Life ain’t that peachy for the other women either. Emily planned a sexy trip to Vegas for Shane, once (if) he passes the bar exam. She organized a special performance where she would dance for him as part of a show, but when she revealed this to Shane he told her he hated the idea and told her that she should plan a girls’ trip instead. This is cruel and thoughtless, given how hard Emily has been trying to please and support Shane, but it’s not surprising. Shane is the human version of a steaming hot bowl of plain oatmeal. Incredibly dull and painful to touch.

Braunwyn and Shannon bond over margaritas and the fact that their kids are going through rough times. Braunwyn’s daughter, Rowan, is a classical dancer and is struggling with OCD and an eating disorder, and Braunwyn feels like she’s failed as a mother. Shannon’s daughters are still reeling from the divorce and she begins audibly weeping at the table. Welp, I was worried it would just be new fun Shannon all season, but nope, we’ve still got a wailing, neurotic, partially unhinged walking midlife crisis in the flesh. You still got it, Beador!  

Rowan is channelling her energy into creating a dancewear line and Braunwyn and Sean are very supportive. Perhaps Rowan could create a jewelry line too because her dad needs some new wares. This ridiculous necklace makes him look like a guy who’s never gone surfing but watched a bunch of surf documentaries.

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Braunwyn invites Shannon, Tamra, and Gina out for drinks and Shannon invites Vicki to tag along even though Vicki alienates everyone she looks at. It’s not long before Vicki begins ranting about her distaste for Kelly and how she knows much more about Kelly than she’s letting on. Gina makes the point that if Vicki has already publicly accused Kelly of cocaine use, Vicki’s trove of secrets has to be much worse than that. Suddenly, Tamra blurts out gleefully “Is it about the train?” Vicki starts shrieking that she, Tamra, and Shannon made a pact never to repeat this rumor and they need to shut it down right now. I hope this is about Kelly’s involvement in some old timey detective thriller à la Murder on the Orient Express, but something tells me this rumor is a lot worse than murder. 

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I KNOW WHY THE CAGED RAT SLAMS ITS BODY AGAINST THE WALL (STRANGER THINGS RECAP)

I KNOW WHY THE CAGED RAT SLAMS ITS BODY AGAINST THE WALL (STRANGER THINGS RECAP)

MAKE AMERICA BISEXUAL AGAIN (BACHELOR IN PARADISE RECAP)

MAKE AMERICA BISEXUAL AGAIN (BACHELOR IN PARADISE RECAP)