MAKE AMERICA BISEXUAL AGAIN (BACHELOR IN PARADISE RECAP)
We’re back … and Drama Club is in full swing.
It’s morning in Paradise and everyone is fresh, fresh, fresh as a daisy. Everyone except Demi, she’s a white-hot mess. Speaking of, you never see this girl apply sunscreen. She’s clearly drinking the stuff. How else is she staying this moisturized and WHITEWHITEWHITE? I’m scared for her safety. There must be a team of Coppertone representatives running around reapplying every 30 minutes when the cameras aren’t looking. How else would she survive this Mexican sun?? Where is her sunburn? Where are the tan lines?
The skin care drama in Paradise is the drama I really want to know about, instead Demi has called a meeting with Chris Harrison. She confesses all her secrets … she has a girlfriend back home, she’s bisexual, she also cares about Derek, she loves her glam squad in Paradise. I mean, she’s got a glam squad, right? She must. How else is she looking this fresh every day? The confession is cut with Derek showing us that he is the greatest living human person since President Barack Obama. Derek doesn’t care if the person Demi can’t get out of her mind is a man or woman. He understands why she’s conflicted, feels bad for her and wishes it wasn’t so hard for her.
There are SO MANY FEELINGS and SO MANY TEARS.
If these producers do not deliver a girlfriend to Derek’s doorstep I will have to take them off my Christmas card list this year. I MEAN THIS MAN IS THE BEST GET HIM IN A GD SUCCESSFUL RELATIONSHIP STAT!
Otherwise Paradise seems to be going well at the moment, so you know you better get ready for a few bombs to fall. Kristina (of SAVE BLAKE FAME) is excitable so why not start there?? Lemme just go ahead and say it: THIS GIRL IS SCARY AF. I was afraid to even type that. She might show up at my house later and shave my head (it’s fine I’m going to wear a disguise for the rest of the day). Kristina might look all innocent and sweet (lol), but the rose ceremony is coming soon and she’s not playing. Blake might be the only way for her to stay on this super sexy beach vacay. Everyone else is in a solid(ish) couple, after all. She makes sure to keep Blake close, which gets Caitlin nervous.
Instead of doing her part to make sure Blake picks her in the rose ceremony, Caitlin lets her nerves get the best of her and places her blame AND FOCUS on Kristina. She puts on her grown up sarong (you can’t very well put on your grown-up pants while on a beach in Mexico) and pulls Kristina aside to talk. OBVIOUSLY, this does not go well. Who wants to be told they’re handing out “friendship roses” in Paradise? Who wants to hear using strategy to stay in Paradise is not the thing to do? NOBODY, Y’ALL. Not one single body. They both get defensive, it gets heated SO HEATED they leave their little chat and go back to the group.
Nowwww … I really do want to agree with Caitlin. I want to believe that the whole point of Paradise is to find love. I want to say Kristina is wrong for playing the game here, but I also think it’s super smart to do what you’ve got to do to stay in Paradise. Who knows who might suddenly walk down those steps and onto the beach and into your heart? Gross. I know. I can’t believe I just typed that crap. Not to mention … Caitlin has been here for all of three minutes. She can take a seat. Settle down. AND GRAB A MARG. If you’re into Blake, make sure he says your name at the rose ceremony and leave everybody alone.
What this really means is Blake’s goofy-looking ass has gotten himself right back to the center of another rose ceremony and LORD HELP US ALL.
If a cat fight isn’t your brand of drama, you’re in luck. Another solid couple begins to show cracks in their relationship. Katie kicks off the new day in Paradise by telling Old Man Chris (LOL he’s 32) if he wants to go on dates with other people it’s OK with her. She cares more about his happiness than herself. SAY WHAT? I can see where this might be a thing that sounds good in your head. You want to sound modern and open and generous and kind. BUT HAS KATIE EVER WATCHED THIS SHOW? WTF?! It goes exactly as you would expect. Chris suddenly has doubts in how their relationship is going. Maybe it isn’t on solid ground!?
Jen Saviano, who according to Dean is hot on Instagram, shows up in Paradise. Geee … I wonder where this could go?? Jen talks to a couple dudes, including Blake -- who for once doesn’t let his ding dong do the thinking and does not go on a date with her -- and eventually she makes her way to Chris. BECAUSE OF COURSE. She asks Chris out on the date and while he does crinkle up his face really good as if he’s really working to decide what to do he says YES.
Oh my god. This show is so clearly driven by producers and you can see their hands everywhere. It makes me crazy, AND YET I cannot stop watching. What am I going to do switch over to MSNBC?
At least Chris is respectful of Katie and talks to her immediately after agreeing to the date. He tells her he really likes her and hopes the date will bring him clarity. Katie gives tells everyone in Paradise her sob story and unleashes some of the ugliest cries any of us have ever seen. I want to feel bad for her? JK I totally do not feel bad. Don’t be a dummy, girl. Don’t just treat your man like garbage and act all surprised.
OMG. IM A FEMINIST. WHY ARE THESE WORDS COMING OUT OF MY FINGERTIPS??
This crap is super annoying, and I’d really like to get back to the bisexual love triangle and Kristina’s evil ass, butttt Chris and Jen’s date is on a catamaran. Sounds fun, right? Totes. Except the ride is super bumpy and Chris can’t take it. It looks like he spends most of the time puking off the side of the boat and all I can think is SERVES YOU RIGHT YA LITTLE BITCH HOW DARE YOU … the lord works in mysterious ways. He really wants to give a shot to testing the waters though (LOL) so they go off to some fluorescently lit pretend hotel room (I MEAN IS THE BUDGET FOR THIS SHOW FIFTY CENTS WHAT WAS THAT ROOM YOU GUYS) and sip champagne (CHAMPAGNE … OHHHH SO ALL WE GOT IS A LIQUOR BUDGET) once they’re on solid ground. They end up in a hot tub, which is reality show code for … TIME FOR TONSIL HOCKEY. I know this isn’t Jen’s fault but now I can’t like this chick AND it’s clear Chris is a dummy AND I want to punch Katie in her bathing suit area. At least he goes directly from this fiasco to Katie and tells her he’s still not clear on what to do.
It would be super great if all the truth telling Katie does in her confessionals would come out of her face when she’s sitting with Chris. Instead she just looks like a sad puppy. Does she think she’s being clear about what she feels?
BECAUSE SHE AINT!
Whatever. Thank God for this bisexual love affair because I am sick of straight people being stupid.
Chris Harrison pops up the next morning to talk to Demi which gives everyone the big eyes. Is she going to be sent home? Please. There are no surprises on this show. We all have the Internet and read People magazine. We know this girl from back home is coming to Paradise. Too bad they’re making us wait the WHOLE ENTIRE EPISODE for it.
Blah blah blah … Chris talks to Demi and suddenly the girlfriend … Christian … shows up in Paradise. There are a lot of tears and kissing and my GOD DANGIT Demi has perfect skin (FOR REAL DOES SHE HAVE A GLAM SQUAD). Christian is staying in Paradise so Demi can have a shot at love because as everyone keeps telling us FINDING LOVE IS WHAT PARADISE IS DESIGNED TO DO. At first, I’m annoyed because how many cast members and names am I realistically supposed to remember. BUT. Then I think about how queer/lesbian/bisexual representation on one of the most popular TV shows is incredible and I settle down.
Demi tells Christian that she was unclear how she felt until she saw her and now she knows Christian is the only choice. It makes me sad for Derek, who again shows himself to be the greatest human alive by saying he knows it’s hard for Demi. This dude even agrees to meet Christian? They talk. They hug. It makes me believe in world peace.
Christian is introduced to the group and everybody is so happy for Demi and my heart grows two sizes. Oh my god. The queering of this show is exactly what it needs. They get the date card, because these producers aren’t morons. WE NEED TO SEE AND HEAR TWO WOMEN SLOBBER ALL OVER EACH OTHER. Shit. I don’t even care that we don’t know Christian and that she has zero business being here and that I don’t even care one single drop about her or her sad little face! They talk out the drama of everything and I’m so happy they’re on NATIONAL TV swapping spit I go deaf, dumb, and blind. I haven’t been this excited about two women kissing since I pretended to attend Ellen and Portia’s wedding back in ‘08!
GAY SHIT ON TV IS AMAZING.
What could possibly go wrong??