THE TURD THAT WON'T FLUSH (BACHELOR IN PARADISE RECAP)
GOOD JOB, EVERYBODY!
Lord, I don’t know how we made it through the week without ending up in the ER with an anxiety attack. The last thing we saw was Nicole and Christian basking in the glow of a pinata on the beach, and then sad little Jordan running in their direction. There were gasps! There were dramatic head turns! My ass was clenched so tight I nearly made a diamond.
IT WAS SUPA DRAMATIQUE.
So you know EVERY TINY LITTLE THING goes completely bonkers once we’re back to Paradise this week.
Jordan, who can clearly see he has no future on this visit to Paradise, rips down the magical pinata and then picks up Christian and throws him to the ground. Yeah, girl. Little baby Jordan of the gold underwear. He throws Christian down onto the beach like he’s a delivering sack of potatoes. He throws that hot little man down like he’s nothing! I gasped. I rewound the scene and watched it again. AND AGAIN.
Honey, I was SHOOK.
Then folks are running around and security flies out of every direction and the dudes are separated. SO MUCH SECURITY. This fools better feel safe. I didn’t know this much security happened anywhere, let alone on this stanky island. There is so much action it’s hard to keep your eyes from crossing and all I can think is they could have used some of this running around in the last episode because it was so damned boring! Between having to deal with Demi’s coming out party (no disrespect to the bisexuals in the audience and also I am a big fat homo) and Cam’s Eeyore impersonation (woof … this dude … Imma light a candle for his ass tonight) last week . . . I didn’t know what to do with myself.
Well, I did actually. I played Sudoku while trying to not fall asleep.
Why did Jordan attack Christian, you say? That’s not super clear. He says it’s because Christian was being a dick, but I’m not totally convinced he wasn’t just trying to wrestle this dude and roll around in that super sexy Mexican sand. You know what I’m saying? Nah? I meannnnn … who wouldn’t roll around on the beach with Christian? I know I would. GUYS WHAT IM SAYING IS JORDAN ISNT STRAIGHT. You can’t convince me otherwise. Trust me, I’m a homosexual. Whatever. Maybe he thought he’d get a rose this go round if he really gave us the drama, but too bad so sad there’s a zero tolerance for violence and both boys were sent packing.
Otherwise we’ve got slim pickings in the drama department. We’re still dealing with this beige ass love triangle between Regina George, a boy with the world’s greatest hair, and Biff from Back to the Future. Honestly, who can remember the names of these people? Thank God for Google! I’m talking about Hannah, Dylan, and Blake.
Can we talk about these three for a sec?
1) HANNAH: I’m not sure why everyone is so in love with this girl. Yeah, she’s cute, but she’s got the personality of a pile of freshly fallen leaves. Pretty on the outside, but once you jump in … you hit the ground with a thud possibly spraining your ankle and realize you’ve got spiders crawling on you and 12 mosquito bites.
2) Dylan: This boy has great hair but he’s about 13-years-old. HE IS AN ACTUAL BOY. My dudes, we sit and watch his ass eat a bowl of sour gummy worms for dinner. I can’t with this one. I’m assuming these sour gummies are from KKW BEAUTY … otherwise how is this hair happening? HIS HAIR IS FUCKING GORGEOUS. IM SO JEALOUS I CAN BARELY BREATHE.
3) Blake: Ha! Well, friends, the only nice thing I can say about this dude is he looks like Biff from Back to the Future. How has he fucked every single person in Paradise? Does he have a magic peen? I don’t understand. All this dude has going for him (in the last minutes before the rose ceremony at least) is he convinces a mariachi band to show up and play for Hannah. She seems to be into him? Have the producers paid her off? This girl’s back and forth between D & B is EXHAUSTING. Is this editing? Is she insane? She can’t be into this dude. She cannot!
We finally get to the rose ceremony and just when everything is about to start Onyeka interrupts to tell everyone she has had a bad time in Paradise and can’t give her rose away. Mkay, girl. Can you see yourself? She has spent most of her time in Paradise running around gossiping and performing for the cameras instead of making a real connection. How did she think that was going to work out for her? Her little goodbye speech makes us all feel like it’s OUR FAULT she can’t get anyone to pay attention to her. How dare we not love her? Why can’t we see what a gem she is? LOL. Whatever girl. BYE. I still haven’t forgiven Onyeka for being a jerk to everyone on The Bachelor.
See you NEVER!
Since Jordan and Christian are gone, only two guys will be sent home. There are ZERO surprises at the ceremony. Everybody is doing what we know they’re gonna do. The whole ceremony is just a big fat set up for the Hannah/Dylan/Blake drama. She ends up giving her rose to Dylan (PRAISE THE LORD) which means she might not be a total ass hat. As we watch her pick Dylan everyone smiles and for a moment it feels like everyone is going to burst into applause except the joy is immediately killed when Christina’s evil ass gives her rose to Blake.
The dudes who go home this week are Cam (why is this poor boy trying to be on TV), Kevin (yeah, I didn’t know this dude existed either), and Wills (who should get a month of detention for bleaching his wig).
The morning after everyone is smiling and the birds are chirping … unless your name is Blake. He’s sitting alone on a bed. He’s walking alone on the beach. He’s making sad faces when he’s with the group and doing everything in his power to not look in the direction of Dylan and Hannah. He’s such a goof. Again, I ask: HOW COULD THIS DUDE HAVE FUCKED ALL OF PARADISE?? Everyone is clearly over his shenanigans, and Demi calls him “the turd that won’t flush.”
AND REALLY … has a more real and true thing ever been said on Bachelor in Paradise???
Just when you think he has hit rock bottom, and everyone might throw him into the sea … Caitlin (from Colton’s season) arrives. Nah, girl, I don’t remember her either. She has a hard go of it at first. Everyone is happy and coupled up, so when she talks to dudes, they make it clear they’re not available for a date. Eventually someone gives her the scoop and she asks Blake out and of course he says yes.
Their date is a tantric yoga class? They do some weird poses and he admits to Caitlin he has had a difficult time in Paradise. His recounting of events is mostly true, and poof they’re making out in a pool because that’s how Bachelor in Paradise works, y’all. Though, neither of them has a choice at this point. If they want to continue with this free vacay in Mexico, they might as well make out and sell it to the cameras. What else is there to do?
Dylan gets a date card and he takes Hannah on a date.
The date is cute, I guess? They’re in a hut surrounded by water and it’s well lit. The scene is super dramatic and eventually dancers jump out and do a big magical performance. They sit there and look cute like the child soap actors they are and eventually Dylan tells her he’s falling in love.
While these two trade hair tips we take a tour of the other couples in Paradise…
JPJ and Tayshia are hanging out and being cute. They’re adorable. First of all? She’s totally the best woman here, and I’m still mad at Colton for not picking her. WHAT A DUMMY. Of all the couples, this is my favorite and I really hope it works out. They’re laughing and playing around and being silly in the pool and WOW I LOVE THEM. They might be the only good thing happening in Paradise.
The one sure thing we all thought was happening in Paradise is slowwwwwly falling into the toilet. Demi is into Derek, but she has a girlfriend back home. At least there’s something back home. It’s not clear if she has a real relationship with the girl back home, but she will not stop talking about it. Maybe the producers dig this shit up and get them obsessing over BIG PERSONAL DRAMAS like this, but I really don’t get why she doesn’t just hang out with hot-ass Derek and enjoy this Mexican vacay.
ALSO? Somebody get Demi’s contacts, she need to settle down and fuck this dude and worry about that girl back home LATERRR.
That chest hair!
SHIT. Even his nose is cute.
We think the whole thing is settled and Hannah B shows up as a surprise to talk to Demi about this mysterious girlfriend back home. I love everybody, but this is so dumb. As if Demi and Hannah have been hanging out on the phone talking the whole thing up … IM BEING MANIPULATED AND I DON’T LIKE IT.
Blah Blah Blah … Demi talks to Derek and tells him she downplayed her lady friend back home and dude takes it in stride and says they don’t have to know exactly how they feel about everything and he’s willing to sit in relationship purgatory.
Again, we feel like the whole issue is settled for now EXCEPT THEN Demi asks to talk to Chris Harrison …
Dun dun dunnnnn … I guess we’ll find out more tonight!