Well, it finally happened. I just received my very first dick pic.
WHAT. HOW CAN THAT BE? WHAT ARE YOU EVEN TALKING ABOUT.
That’s right, my love. I have never received a picture of a dick on my phone. Never. Not once. As far as I’m concerned dick pics are an urban legend. A myth! (Hiii … this is me temping the fates.) Girl, I am of a certain age. I met my man before the way you met a person was through the computer you’ve got shoved into your back pocket. Way back when the coolest phone a respectable lady could own was a rose gold RAZR.
Remember the Razr?
Nah, you’re probably way too young for that mess. WELL LET GRANNY TELL YOU … we had all been carrying cell phones the size of bricks in our man bags and suddenly some genius invented the RAZR! No, sweetheart, that is not a typo — R-A-Z-R is apparently a cool way to spell razor? At least that’s how we did it back in the aughts. These phones were the sexiest thing. Everybody (AND I MEAN EVERY SINGLE BODYYYY) would prance around in their $700 trucker hats, cargo pants, and yellow LIVESTRONG bracelets and not so casually brandish their new SKINNY phone called — THE RAZR. It was lightweight and super thin and looked like something from THE FUTURE. We weren’t texting and NOBODY was sending pictures around … let alone pictures of our dicks!
Hell, I’m not even sure DICK PICS had been invented way back then.
WAIT. NOSTALGIA GOT ME OFF TRACK!
I just received a dick pic. WE ALL DID.
The internet melted yesterday afternoon when the first promo pics from Amazon’s new superhero TV series called THE BOYS … lit up the internet. I know, what a snooze, another stupid superhero show. Who can even be bothered to care at this point. Every damned body and every GD thing has a superhero attached to it. THE BOYS follows a team of vigilantes as they fight back against superpowered people who abuse their abilities.
WE’VE SEEN IT.
WE KNOW WHAT THIS IS.
WHY DO I NEED TO CARE ABOUT THIS BS!?
WHAT HAD HAPPENED WAS: a promo calendar was sent to members of the press to promote the series. Paper calendars, how quaint!! The sea creature-themed calendar features Chace Crawford of GOSSIP GIRL fame as an Aquaman-like superhero in various poses wearing a SUPER TIGHT Spandex bodysuit. Whooooooooooooooooooo can even be bothered to care, right? Not one single person. This is dumb. Everybody is wearing spandex body suits, y’all. This is not news! AND ALSO: WHO USES A PAPER CALENDAR ANYMORE ANYWAY YOU BIG BUNCH OF DUMMIES! AND ALSO ALSO? LIKE I SAID: superheroes are every damned where and every damned thing has a superhero attached to it. So likeee … GOOD JOB CHACE, congrats on the new job, please get off my internet with this crap.
BUT WAIT, FRIENDS.
HOLD THE PHONE.
The calendar is pretty cute.
I meannnn what a quaint little idea!
Featuring Chace Crawford? Oh. Just kidding. Maybe he’s hot? He has been working out so …
You’re flipping through looking at your boy. WAIT. Just kidding. He’s maybe hot? He has definitely been working out. AND. He’s wearing a SUPER TIGHT Spandex bodysuit and HOLY CANNOLLI … we come to the month of MARCH.
THE MONTH OF MARCH … where someone must have accidentally (ON PURPOSE) forgot to smooth? flatten? REIN IN … THE DOLPHIN IN CHACE CRAWFORD’S SUPER TIGHT SPANDEX BODY SUIT.
Maybe. MAYBE, you’re a classy girl. MAYBE! Unlike me you’re not checking out every crotch that flies by on Instagram. Maybe you see this and don’t think anything of it. Maybe you don’t see anything here. Maybe you do not take your fingers and zoooooom TF in on whatever is happening in this picture. That’s cool. Good job. Congratulations.
LUCK FOR YOU I AM A GARBAGE PERSON.
A GARBAGE PERSON WITH THE ABILITY TO EDIT PHOTOS SO LET’S GET A LITTLE CLOSER, SHALL WE?
There. That’s better.
Is that a trident?
Is that an actual eggplant?
Are there socks in there? Is that where he stores his goggles? A beachtowel, perhaps? His sunglasses?
I’m no expert on dick pics? I already told you I HAVE NEVER RECEIVED A DICK PIC. But … I am willing to go on record as a dick expert. I mean, I do happen to own one, and I’m a super big fan of THE D … so likeee I can say a few things about dicks.
The thing I’d like to say about THIS THING … is … she gonna put your eye out if you ain’t careful.
You better do some stretches and work on your deep purposeful breathing because … GIANT EYEBALL EMOJI.
I MEAN LOOK AT THIS:
Lemme take a moment.
It is a lot.
It is so much. (or possibly the exact right amount)
AND ALSO THANK YOU.
I think we can all agree that any image going out into the world today is edited within an inch (or 8 … lol) of its life. So I am SUPER aware that this girthy little dick pic was edited (or maybe not) for my viewing pleasure. Reps for both Chace AND Amazon didn’t respond for comment when asked about the … calendar. The Boys is available on Amazon right now, and has already been renewed for a second season. I MEANNNN OF COURSE IT HAS. I don’t give one single care about superhero movies or TV shows (other than Wonder Woman OBVI), but my interest is definitely piqued and I give the ad my …. full salute.