THIS LITTLE PIGGY (RHOC RECAP)
Leave it to a fur-wearing, insurance-selling, whoop-it-upping former housewife, demoted to a “friend of the show,” to catapult the RHOC into early season insanity. Vicki Gunvalson, old girl! You’re a goddamn bull in a china shop and I love ya for it. But before we hop on that boozy train to crazy town, it’s time for some mother-daughter bonding.
Poor tween Jolie is being cyberbullied because last year Vicki started a rumor that her mother, Kelly, did cocaine. That’s a terrible seed to plant, but Jolie handles the situation by expressing her feelings maturely and sensibly and I must applaud another Housewife child for defying all odds and acting like a decent person. (This honor will always and forever exclude Tamra’s son, Ryan, who is a pile of hot garbage.)
Shannon’s daughter has a date to the school formal and the hem of her dress reaches her belly button and nothing lower. But she is cute and so is her date so go ahead and flash your bits, girl. Do it while you’re young. Or while you’re old, just like your mom and all her friends do. Do it forever. Shannon’s like, “All right kids, no cocktails, edibles, or vapes,” and I’m pretty sure Shannon is introducing these kids to vices they hadn’t even considered. She’s the gateway drug here. “Also kids, no carving out an apple to make a bong; no huffing paint you can buy at the local Home Depot with this 20% off coupon, and definitely NO reducing nutmeg to an essential oil, thereby producing a powerful hallucinogen called myristicin...and be home by 10:30.”
Speaking of drugs, we are introduced to Braunwyn’s mom, the incomparable Dr. Deb, who is a Lisa Frank Pencil Case come to life.
Braunwyn explains that in her youth, Dr. Deb aspired to be a rock star but got pregnant with Braunwyn, went to medical school, became a doctor, went to Burning Man, got white-girl-dreads, then became an expert in plant-based medicine. Anyway, Braunwyn had a bit of an unstable childhood so this explains why she wanted to be a stay-at-home mom with a soccer team of children.
In what has to be the world’s saddest take on Beauty and the Beast, Emily is working as an attorney, taking care of her flatulent children, and hosting a birthday dinner for her mother-in-law, while her mole rat of a husband Shane crams for the California bar somewhere else. What makes the whole affair even sadder is that Emily has hired a private chef who cooks up a dinner that looks like something you’d be served at an annual health insurance conference at a Best Western. There are rice molds!!! Need I say more? Emily dials in Shane when it’s time to serve the cake to HIS mother but he squeals that everyone is bothering him and he just wants to be left alone to burrow in his mole rat hole and study.
Eddie and Tamra are having a housewarming at their expensive, generic new house in an allegedly elite community in the OC. Tamra should know that any community that will have her is not elite. The big drama is that Vicki will be attending and Kelly is mad as hell at Vicki for the drug accusations. Vicki is mad as hell at Kelly for making an extremely cruel talking emoji video of a pig calling her fat. Vicki thinks that being called fat is as bad as accusing someone of doing cocaine. In the OC, she may be right. Tamra is salivating over the prospect of getting these two women to hash out their differences (read: MMA fight) at her party. Vicki tries to approach Kelly and Kelly runs away screaming that she doesn’t want to talk to her. This prompts Vicki to follow her around the house screaming “You’re not a beauty queen. You’re not a beauty queen.” Shannon and Tamra huddle together gleefully as their frenemies morph into wild animals. Have fun, you two. You’ll be rolling in shit in an OC minute.