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Hi.

Our thumbs are basically numb from texting back and forth 24/7 about everything we love (AND HATE) that's happening on our televisions, iPads, and eye glasses (hi, we think we're funny) and we thought WHY NOT SHARE THIS JOY WITH THE WORLD?!  

DEAN'S MUSTACHE AND A PINATA (BACHELOR IN PARADISE RECAP)

DEAN'S MUSTACHE AND A PINATA (BACHELOR IN PARADISE RECAP)

Yippee! Finally, an out-and-proud misogynist and bully has joined our ranks! Behold: Christian—some dude we’ve never seen before in our lives who’s here to perpetuate all sorts of gross stereotypes and be way too aggressive while wearing really heinous clothing.

Pros: I’ve never seen a silk/poly blend shirt with koi on it like that in my life. It feels very unbeachy. Also, Christian’s arrival fully exposes the real Nicole and her really—naive? fucked up? short-sided? dumb?—ideas about romance.

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Cons: Oh, lawd, a fist fight between two grown men over a pinata.

Let’s just start here, shall we? Christian saunters in and some of the ladies make some mild efforts to compliment his looks (Jordan points out that Christian is wearing tennis shoes on the beach and really he should’ve made the effort to procure some espadrilles prior to paradise. do they even make men’s espadrilles??) but really the only person interested is Nicole, and really really, Nicole is THE MOST INTERESTED in her new narrative: THREE ONE ON ONE DATES / ALL THE MEN WANT ME. It’s literally BLOWING HER MIND and she cannot believe her good fortune. She’s literally like “I’m the bachelorette of paradise!” Her naked insecurity newly balmed with all this (authentic? inauthentic?) male attention is really uncomfortable to watch, to be honest. She tells Sydney all about her good fortune of having all these men fighting over her and I’m like, no, girl, this ain’t love, sorry you think it is, you’ve seen to many rom coms.

Nicole and Christian go jet skiing. She says every Latin guy thinks he’s the hottest guy on the beach. He says Cuban girls have hot bodies. They talk in Espanol. They make out on the beach. It’s noisy.

Meanwhile, Clay’s back at the ranch being sad. When Nicole returns, she encourages him to be more assertive. She’s like go out of your way to do something special for me. She is really living for this! But honestly, I still find it uncomfortable because it’s like a producer is feeding her these lines, they don’t necessarily feel like her hard earned beliefs, but more like someone being like, omgggggg Nicole, all the guys love you, you better tell Clay to step it up!!!

Christian comes to interrupt Clay and Nicole because he wants to finish his date, he’s like she can be all yours tomorrow. It’s gross. The guys are like holding hands during this entire confrontation and Clay is lying down, which is weird. Christian is weird. Finally Nicole takes some agency and says she wants to catch up with Clay and then encourages Clay not to be afraid to raise his voice and stand up and intimidate Christian. GIRL. Like what the fuck are you talking about? I mean I guess she’s in her early twenties where you think a man yelling is hot or something? Like girl, you don’t want the aggressive / yelly guy — how long before Christian is yelling and screaming at you? LAWD.

Anywhoozie, before the Rose Ceremony Christian sets up a pinata that is never explained (were they going to break it? what was inside of it? was there a significance to it beyond them both being Latin? are pinatas romantic?) there’s another tete-a-tete about who gets to talk to Nicole that ends with Jordan suddenly defending his best friend Clay (what) and trying to remove the pinata (I guess because he had success with throwing that bear in the ocean last year) and immediately getting into an intense physical altercation with Christian.

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Yes, well, obviously we’re to be continued on that.

In other news, Dean and his mustache are here.

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Apparently Dean is now the Bachelor Nation version of Christopher McCandless, living in a van and driving around visiting national parks. OK, then, Dean. Chris Harrison is like, why are you here then? and Dean makes some attempts to pretend he’s looking for love rather than a paycheck and Caelynn immediately drops Big Mike (mistake) to ride this mustache.

(Was that too far? That might’ve been too far, but like, how are you going to pass up a joke that is sitting right there?)

Cam wanders around, like, well, basically Cam needs to be medicated immediately.

My sweet baby Dylan finally finds out that Blake went to Birmingham to get Hannah G primed to be his Paradise lady and he is HURT. BLINDSIDED. I mean the real question is, what the fuck is that tattoo on my sweet baby Dylan’s chest? Is it an anatomical heart? WHY BEBE WHY. And if Blake did that, then gets the first date card, and then asks Tayshia on the date, why would Hannah ever trust his intentions again? Why aren’t we talking about that? Tayshia lobbies for some screentime over the injustice of being dragged into this drama. Okkkkkk.

Demi and Derek are the STRONGEST COUPLE ON THE BEACH BY THE WAY. Except Demi is dating a girl back home and really seems to be maybe in love with her. This is all sorts of hilarious because Bachelor Nation loves nothing more than to RIP A BITCH TO SHREDS if they are dating someone back home, but I guess because it’s a same sex thing and Demi is “finding herself” this is ok. Demi tells Katie all about it and honestly, it was a really beautiful scene to me because I find nothing more beaiutiful than female frienshisp, alright? Katie was like a great listener, empathetic, and sheds a fucking tear. TEAM KATIE.

Anywhoozie, Demi comes clean to Derek about the situation and like the more screentime Derek gets the more uncomfortable I am with his existence on this beach. DEREK IS A FULL GROWN ADULT, WTF. Like the difference between 32 and 24 is, um, A LOT BITCH.

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It should be noted that I love Derek because he looks like John Krasinski and I love John Krasinski and I want Derek to be my little John Krasinski. But like, Demi is SO SHOCKED by how well Derek takes this news and I’m just like, yeah, because he’s THIRTY TWO. He’s practically of retirement age, nothing can shock him anymore.

Though I will say the terms reached in this conversation are very confusing—are Derek and Demi entering into a throuple, or is this like a, hey, this is summer camp, let’s bone while the boning is good, moment?

Other standings: Sydney is now talking to Big Mike and he likes her “core values.” Onyeka is still waiting for someone to “make her feel special.” That beloved whackadoo JPJ recites some Shakespeare for Tayshia. And Katie and Bukowski make out which is weird. And Kevin gets some bad advice from Wells.

GOOD LORD that’s it for this week and, wow o wow it feels like we’ve been on A JOURNEY. Literally no one seems to be making decisions that make any sense and I’m missing that touchstone of Jade and Tanner, proving to me that THIS PROCESS WORKS. Until next week, chickens.

THIS LITTLE PIGGY (RHOC RECAP)

THIS LITTLE PIGGY (RHOC RECAP)

EVERYBODY LOVES ELFIN HANNAH (BACHELOR IN PARADISE RECAP)

EVERYBODY LOVES ELFIN HANNAH (BACHELOR IN PARADISE RECAP)