EVERYBODY LOVES ELFIN HANNAH (BACHELOR IN PARADISE RECAP)
While discussing what seems to be an inexplicable obsession with Elfin Hannah by all the guys, my bestie Sarah said, “Why have a chicken wing when you can have a thigh or breast?” GIRL, I could not agree more. Tayshia is there! Katie is there! Demi is there! Don’t get me wrong, Elfin Hannah is cute and pretty in a very elfin way, all big eyed and small mouthed. Like a blonde Disney anime character. She photographs well. She has a mild personality. I could see why she’d be a certain dude’s cup of tea.
BUT EVERY DUDE THERE, COME THE FUCK ON.
You’re tryna to tell me JORDAN likes Hannah? Please. Jordan likes a wild bitch. We know Jordan well enough to know that, Jordan may want a blonde gal, but he wants a spunky one that makes him feel all jangled in his brain.
That is not Hannah.
There’s a lot made of how Hannah and Jordan are both models, as if this means they’d be a perfect match. I mean it’s not like they’re both doctors and like could talk about like medical cases in bed like Meredith and Derek Grey-Shepherd. Like what model issues are they gonna discuss? Double-sided tape? Make-up remover? Instagram hashtags?
Producers, I see you.
Oh, my sweet baby Dylan. Every time he sees Elfin Hannah he drapes his entire body on her and she stares into the middle-distance looking conflicted. When she’s away from him to like go pee or make out with someone else, he disintegrates.
And then there’s Blake, who, honestly, I think just wants Elfin Hannah as a trophy. So he can be the victor of Paradise by snagging the hottest ticket. Blake is like the most insecure six foot plus thirty year old white man I have ever met (and I have met a lot). It’s like he pulls it together sometimes (like when he shames sweet Dylan for making Hannah “uncomfortable”) and sounds all “adult,” but then there are all these places where the light shines through the cracks and I’m like, I’m not sure if I’ve ever known a dude who needs therapy this much. Listen, I think Blake is probably a very sweet person deep down. But it’s clear he has no idea who he is or who he wants to be and he’s like scrapping together a personality that’s like 1 part what he thinks women want, 1 part how he thinks a “nice guy” behaves, and then 1 part him—confused and scared man-child acting out and breaking down all over the place.
Also, Blake, what is this haircut? Also, Paradise has been brutal for Blake according to Blake. LOL.
Also, Hannah, my love, I have also confused this sort of man as someone who has “a lot of emotions” and “depth” rather than someone who’s like…a mess. It’s cool, you’re only twenty-three, you’ll get it. Eventually.
Anywhoozie, we open with a Rose Ceremony, and like I totally forgot was a thing. I thought we were just watching all the popular kids on spring break bone each other. I’m ok with either, honestly. Annaliese, Bibi, and Hot Sauce Jane go home, and I’m only sad to see sweet Bibi go, I love her. But the dudes don’t—why? The funniest part here is when Annaliese is like Old Man Bukowski is definitely going to pick me and then he picks Kristina and Annaliese tries to throw shade on the way out and we’re all like, man, does this chick have a real job or what because she is A LOT how does she get along in her daily life???
Let’s touch base on our other relationships, most importantly—
MY GOD THIS MAN.
He really is everything. That smile. That height. That “blessed” demeanor. Why are we wasting his talents on this beach? #MikeForBachelor. All the girls wet their pants as soon as he walks in wearing a pink button down, making all the tank-topped bros look like little kids.
Onyeka in particular is really going crazy for Mike, but, sad trombone, he picks Caelynn for the date, sending ABC Cam, rocks in his pockets, straight into the motherfucking ocean. ABC Cam’s complete meltdown is another cringe-worthy explication of what it’s like to be a clueless twenty-something with no solid grip on what the meaning of life is specifically for you. Because ABC Cam has decided he was put on this earth to be a husband and father, though the universe seems to be giving him no feedback to support that claim. Cam is crying and carrying on about how his greatest dream is to call his future fiancee’s family and ask for her hand in marriage.
Um, yes, that’s exactly what that is—a dream.
Not because Cam can’t ever get married, but like BRO, START WITH THE WOMAN NOT THE DREAM. Like dreaming of your engagement and wedding with like a mystery person, as if the actual person who you are going to spend your life with doesn’t matter at all, makes zero sense and is a recipe for disaster.
Mike and Caelynn go on a date and are quickly smitten with each other and Cam seems to have the idea that Mike came to paradise to ruin Cam’s life and also that he and Mike are in the same league and now everything is ruined because we have to actually feel bad for Cam.
Our boi Wills puts the moves on Katie and that crashes and burns and she has a total meltdown. You can’t understand a thing she’s saying, she’s just like bleep blerp blerp, sobbing. Then she is comforted by Old Man Bukowski and she seems OPEN TO THAT RELATIONSHIP? Uh, ok, then Katie. All I know is the entire internet is calling you the most beautiful woman in the world and you’re gonna waste that on Bukowski?
Jordan and Snoozeville Nicole go on a pretty pointless date. Again, Jordan is clearly just gonna ask out whoever the producers tell him too because, please, Nicole is not Jordan’s woman. I mean, Jordan’s bringing the energy. He’s really going for it, he’s trying. He’s saying stupid shit left and right for our attention and calling himself the Mayor of Paradise. Yeah, ok, whatevs. These fools are gonna zip line. Nicole says her biggest fear is about to happen and she has to face it. I hope she’s talking about having a camera attached to her helmet because that angle ain’t good on anybody.
Nicole returns home to big daddy Clay and he says he’s open to being exclusive.
Wooo boy, if you like Jordan, than last night was for you. If not, you were probably like me, depleting your checking account on the Glossier website. Honestly, they better not hurt my sweet baby Dylan tonight, but i know they’re gonna.