Our thumbs are basically numb from texting back and forth 24/7 about everything we love (AND HATE) that's happening on our televisions, iPads, and eye glasses (hi, we think we're funny) and we thought WHY NOT SHARE THIS JOY WITH THE WORLD?!  



CNN is really touting this as a cage match between Elizabeth Warren and Bernie Sanders: Two former best friends with the same policies ready to tear each other apart for those sweet, sweet progressive votes. Flanking them: young handsome white guys, some gay, some former punk rockers! Then we’ve got the “Heartlanders:” Mean Aunt Amy Klobucher, Fucking John “I love oil” Hickenlooper, Lake Eerie Ghoul Tim Ryan, Montana’s Gov. Steve Bullock (who I have literally never heard of and is a new entry into the race, having killed and eaten Eric Swalwell’s tiny heart to earn his spot on the stage.) Question: is Colorado OR Montana really the heartland? Answer: NO! THEY ARE IN THE WEST, YOU FAILING CNN NITWITS. Then we have the weirdos and losers: John “Doll Eyes” Delaney (loser) and Future President Marianne Williamson (weirdo).  How much Spanish will be spoken? Will Bernie and Liz actually physically fight? Will Jake Tapper become the new Chuck Todd? CNN has already promised that there will be no show of hands questions, which makes me sob into my pillow. 

Dana Bash and Don Lemon have come along with Jake Tapper, so good for them. Bernie is looking fly as hell. Liz is wearing red, which is nice but not as good as the purple from last time. She and Bern do some side hugging. Beto looks like a state fair caricature of a Kennedy made man. Mean Aunt Amy is also wearing red, this bitch. It occurs to me that Lake Ghoul Tim Ryan looks like Data from Star Trek: The Next Generation and moves with the same fluid grace androids are known for. Now everyone has to sing the National Anthem. Ghoul Tim Ryan doesn’t even put his hand on his heart, the Commie, while the real Commie, Bernie, knows every word in an old man sort of way, which is mostly mumble based. It is boring and awkward. 

Opening statements:

Steve Bullock seems like a real sweaty asshole. They barely got out there and this douche is sweating bullets. Also, he sucks.

Marianne Williamson goes back to the American Revolution. I’d like to think that she was tavern wench/witch in her past life during that epoch of history. Sorry—HERstory. 

Doll Eyes Delaney is a thumb turned into a human. He is so boring. He name checks Dukakis, which, like, whoa, you ass. He has too many children and he’s a CEO--he is the problem. 

Lake Ghoul Tim Ryan is going to suffocate us all. He’ll drag us straight to his lake and take us under the water, thus ending all of our problems. Vote Ghoul Tim Ryan for president: he’ll take you out and drown you.

I fucking hate Hickenlooper. He’s a fucking loser. I have nothing to add. 

Mean Aunt Amy is here to ruin Trump’s butt. She’s a goddamned coal miner’s granddaughter, which does break the rhythm of the line. She’s a midwestern winner, you dick.

Beto says big words. He’s still talking. Did he get extra time?

Mayor Pete is cute little baby. He has a baby head and he calls Trump a cheater. Awww!

Elizabeth Warren comes out swinging at the orange loser and promises she’ll support anyone who will beat him. I love her.

Bernie, still fly as hell, hates health care companies and, really, all companies. Let’s tax those fat cats and drink their blood. He’s also been going after the fossil fuel companies lately, too. 

Healthcare: Jake Tapper is like: Bernie, why you wanna take our precious insurance away? Also, Doll Eyes said your plan is bad. Bernie screams: YOU’RE WRONG! Which I, for one, love. He’s like, go to Canada, you illiterate fuck. Doll Eyes says I’M RIGHT! (He is not right.) Elizabeth keeps trying to get in there and mix it up. She calls out this bullshit Republican talking points bullshit Doll Eyes and Jake Tapper. I feel like Tapper is in the tank with these questions. Hey, Tapper: this shit is not going to make Trump love you! Elizabeth wants us to consider how bad insurance companies really are. Steve Bullock is a fucking tool. Pete wants Medicare for All Who Want It, which is a real mouthful. Tapper wants to know how high the middle class taxes will be. Beto will not make that sweet middle class pay more taxes. I do not know why these crapheads are getting so much time. (Crapheads=Bullock, Delaney.) I’m happy to report that Beto’s suit fits better than it did the last time. 

Tapper tries to get a catfight going between Mean Aunt Amy and Elizabeth. Bernie is legit sipping tea and gets caught on camera. I, of course, agree that having private insurance is a good way to go bankrupt if anything bad really happens. Also, Bernie tells Jake Tapper that he is a Republican plant and Bernie is here to root his ass out. I have to say that everyone is just wild as hell. There is a lot of yelling and hand raising. Bernie is acting like he needs the check in a restaurant, waving his grandpa hand around at the waiter. Marianne Williamson is like, I’m talking about winning and fighting...it’s weirdly grounded. I would be willing to bet that she has a big chunk of red jasper in her pocket. (WITCH JOKE: red jasper is grounding. Lol lol lol.) 

Lol Bernie dunks right on Ghoul Tim Ryan’s face “I WROTE THE DAMN BILL.” He is my favorite angry granpa. 

Immigration: wow, another Republican talking point question. The question is about whether illegally crossing the border should remain a criminal offense. Elizabeth is right in that the criminalization of crossing is what gives Trump the legal standing to put children in cages. Mean Aunt Amy went to Nancy Pelosi’s hairdresser, I think. She’s rocking that sideswept bob that’s a Nancy trademark. “Do you believe guaranteeing migrants free health care and college will encourage more illegal immigration?” is the question CNN is putting on the chyron. Wow! Elizabeth makes some fine points, and Bullock proceeds to mansplain to her and I wish I could punch him in the face. He also has a terrible look on his stupid face. Like, super smug. Bernie reminds everyone that undocumented people are, in fact, people, as well. Marianne Williamson gets back on her unicorn and talks about the sickness care system, which she has already talked about last time. Clench the red jasper in your left hand, my dear. 

Gun violence:  Pete talks about 13 year olds crying about gun violence. Hickenlooper brags that he did a great job after the Aurora shooting. Mean Aunt Amy accuses Obama of being a gutless wonder. Okay. Truth time: I am watching the footage from last night. I’m just pretending to be watching it live. Mayor Pete has something on his head. I didn’t want to talk about it, because I worried that maybe he always has something on his head. BUT I just looked it up, and he admitted that he smushed a bug on his forehead. Apparently there were gnats all over the place. First off, what kind of a rotten show is CNN running here? Second: ARE THEY MAYFLIES, AS FEATURED IN JEFFERY EUGENIDES’S SEMINAL NOVEL, THE VIRGIN SUICIDES??? I’m saying they are.

Mayor Pete reminds us that we can make changes, using Prohibition as his example. It’s a fine example. I enjoy it. Marianne Willamson does a nice job here. She really has her shit together. Let’s face it: she’s probably going to be our next president. She’s a maverick, like Trump, and it only follows that America, in its death spasms, would trade a corrupt reality TV star/real estate failure for a New Age guru. That’s just what we do now. Vaccinate your kids while you can, breeders, because measles will be mandatory in Williamson’s America.

Socialism: good or bad. Hickenlooper says bad. I hope Bernie beats his fucking ass. Hickenlooper mocks Bernie for throwing his hands up and it is so RUDE! This guy is the WORST! We love Bernie’s gestures and his socialism. If I were there, I would hiss at Hickenlooper. I feel like these questions are real “Dems in Disarray” fodder. These moderate fuckers are the worst, and they are trying to come at Bernie and Liz. They will never be president! This is the shit that fucks up general elections, and these losers are falling over themselves to do it. 

I’m skipping ahead. They talk about climate, and Ghoul Tim Ryan acts like he’s going to bring manufacturing back. They argue about trade. They talk about the Flint Water Crisis, and Williamson makes more good points. I’m sure her crystals will look great in the Oval. I’m telling you: this is happening. Prepare yourselves. Pete calls himself the racial divide. It’s weird. He did finally wipe the bug guts off his head, so rejoice. They talk about wealth taxes and student debt. 

AND Delaney and Liz get in an argument about whether or not the US should commit to not nuking someone first. Guess who is on what side? Delaney wants to blow up the whole world. That will solve that measles thing I mentioned a few paragraphs ago. Mayor Pete says that it doesn’t matter that he is a young baby and Bernie is the oldest granpa. It’s cute. Williamson makes a surprisingly coherent point about reparations.

Closing statements: 

Bullock: I’m the absolute worst. Vote for me!

Williamson: I’m your new president.

Doll Eyes: I’m a craphead. Blah blah blah Kennedy blah Trump blah disease

Hickenlooper: who cares? I suck. 

Lake Ghoul Tim Ryan: when he talks about capturing imaginations, what he means is that he will capture you, drown you in his terrible lake, and then eat your brain, because that’s where imagination comes from. I wouldn’t vote for that, but you do you. 

Mean Aunt Amy: I love fighting and winning. Also, Casey Jo died for pharma’s sins. 

Beto: Texas! (But said in a more measured tone than the way you just said it in your head.)

Mayor Pete: I’ll be forty in about ten years. What do you think of that? Does it make you feel old?

Elizabeth: I have plans, you fuckers. Plans like you’ve never seen, and I’ll fix it. 

Bernie: GUTS! Also, fuck you CNN and these moderate losers on this stage. 

So Winners/Losers:

Beto did better. Williamson is going to win it all. Bernie had more energy than last time. Mayor Pete is a cutie and he smushed a bug. Liz came hard. 

LOSERS: all of the rest of them. Go home, losers! Also a loser? CNN’s bullshit questions. 

See you soon after the Biden smackdown hour, starring Kamala Harris.