HO HO HOMETOWNS (BACHELORETTE RECAP)
We’re down to the final four and Hannah’s got a CHOICE TO MAKE. So she sweeps all her hair into a cascading pageant-side-mullet, clips a broach (??) to her emerald green gown, and then flatly REFUSES TO MAKE A DECISION.
And we are not amused.
PILOT PETE, WESTLAKE VILLAGE, CALIFORNIA
Well, well, well, Pilot Pete. You’re just full of hometown surprises, aren’t ya? HERE FOR IT.
Hannah and Pilot Pete reunite in a field of daisies (not a metaphor) and she mounts him in the standard Bachelor Nation greeting. (Better work on your back extensions, Chris Harrison, cause the first time I meet ya, this is exactly what you’re getting.) He then leads her to “his baby” — a murdered out Mercedes. Oh, Peter, no. Stop killing my lady boner! Be cool, man, never comment on the car!
Hannah’s bored on the drive to the airport so she uses her power as the Bachelorette to rifle through his shit. I’ve never loved her more. She pulls out some empty Altoids. A Jesus card. And then a condom! Did you take Pilot Peter for a guy driving around in a condom-filled Mercedes??? He’s just like an onion, so many layers.
Pilot Pete is looking for a “co-pilot for life” so he’s gonna take her for a little jaunt in his plane. SHE IS SHOCKED. Bitch, what. Did you think you were going to one of those paint pottery places? Maybe a stop at Coldstone Creamery? Shut up.
Their relationship is ready to SOAR so they TAKE OFF. And then they FLY OVER THE BACHELOR MANSION AND I’M WET. But it’s just because I spilled some Spindrift, this ish is dumb. Though his parents are sweet as they gamely stand in the road and wave at the plane as it flies over them.
Peter’s family is a Farmhouse-chic-inspirational-sign-décor kind of family, with some Cuban and German mixed in. Obviously we love them. Peter’s dad is stuntin’ like a Christian rapper with a huge silver cross on a big ol’ chain. They do a German cheer before dinner. Peter’s mom wants him to tell her everything. He’s like, “Our connection is like fire. I’ve never felt this passion.” I was like, damn, Peter, didn’t expect you to tell her about that sauna dry hump right out the gates! But ok then! Then his mom cries because she’s so proud of him.
Hannah seems pretty awkward on this entire family date but accepts a make out and an almost I love you on a bench in front of Pete’s mom’s flower pots. Blessings!
TYLER, JUPITER, FLORIDA
I’m sorry, but Tyler is just like a cartoon to me. Like can she actually be considering him as a real option? Like, girlfriend, you do not want to marry the former college athlete who wants you to rub lotion all over him on a boat in front of TV cameras. I mean, I know it all seems like fun and games now, but girl, you do not want a husband this thirsty.
Girl looks great in a bikini tho, that is for sure.
In an effort to humanize the walking Magic Mike Las Vegas performance that is Tyler C, we get to drive a boat past the house his family used to live in before the recession and hear about his dad’s paralyzed vocal chord. PATHOS! Then they stop by a little bar to hear a band of white dudes in dreads sing hey hey hey over and over again, but they’re still better than Jed will ever be. She jumps off the stage into a sloppy Dirty Dancing inspired lift and I’m just like “wow.”
Over at the fam’s, Tyler’s wearing the tightest gray pants of all time and little Hugh Hefner slippers. What is this look??? His brothers basically are like, “Yo, Hannah, don’t hate the playa, hate the game.” Tyler tells her in the garden he does feel like he’s falling in love with her. Then he gets in the car with her and she mounts him so they can make out. Sorry, Uber driver just sitting there!
LUKE, GAINSEVILLE, GEORGIA
You know who’s over at Luke’s house, don’t you?
That’s right, it’s Jesus.
Ever the romantic, Luke takes Hannah to Curt’s Cafeteria (LITERALLY) for SUNDAY SCHOOL. I mean, ok, but this is just a lot for me, right now. I’m sure many evangelicals are wonderful, god-fearing people, but this looks like a Cult of Luke where he’s paid young girls to tell Hannah how great he is after he recounts his GOD IN THE SHOWER moment once again.
She loves it.
Over at Luke’s house, Luke’s mom is tossing around the most beautiful hair I’ve ever seen in my damn life.
Jesus must love her, because GIRLFRIEND IS GORGEOUS. The Holy Spirit has kept her young. Her Botox looks great.
Luke proclaims his love on the front porch. She doesn’t give him a falling in love with you. But gives it to us. Ok then. We’re all gonna be sad when Luke joins the 2020 Presidential race.
WEIRD HEAD JED, NASHVILLE, TENNESSEE
Doesn’t Hannah’s obsession with Jed really make you want to know what’s on her Spotify? Like what is this girl listening to in her real life???? Because, girlfriend, it’s not like you’ve got Bruno Mars sitting in front of you, you really should not be that impressed. You’ve got a dude with the flattest affect, the deadest eyes, of anyone I’ve ever seen. He’s like so thirsty to be famous but like with ZERO SPARK. You know who sparks, though? HIS FAMILY I LOVE THEM SO MUCH.
But first Jed and Hannah have to go to the recording studio so they can write a song. Jed makes writing songs look so easy! He’s like, just jot down some words! Maybe this is why “I Can Be Your Mr. Right” never took off? THEY ARE BAD SONGS, JED.
Jed’s family is not here for ANY OF THIS and seem VERY INVESTED in his “CAREER” which may or may not mean “OTHER GIRLFRIEND.” Jed announces at the picnic table “I’m going to rip a cheers,” and his mom follows up with a SAVAGE toast about “following your truth.” It was amazing. Everyone in Jed’s family is just like NOPE to all of this. His sister flat out is like, falling in love with the Bachelorette would not be a good thing. His mom is like, he’s on another path. And Hannah’s left feeling VERY CONFUSED and NOT VALIDATED.
Hannah just can’t let any of these mens go! I mean, girl, let them all go. You’re not going to make the right choice, which is Pilot Pete, so free them all and call it day. Leave Pilot Pete for us to devour as Bachelor, I love his sweet face so much. And really, I’m just ready to fast forward to when she picks Jed and then has to contend with the truth about Jed and OMG.
Fantasy suites next week! I hope she follows Jed’s mom’s advice and lives her truth and bones them all, don’t you??? Till then, arrivederci, mi amors!