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Hi.

Our thumbs are basically numb from texting back and forth 24/7 about everything we love (AND HATE) that's happening on our televisions, iPads, and eye glasses (hi, we think we're funny) and we thought WHY NOT SHARE THIS JOY WITH THE WORLD?!  

BEHIND THE MUSIC (BACHELORETTE RECAP)

BEHIND THE MUSIC (BACHELORETTE RECAP)

Has anyone ever been a more insincere, fame whoring, fuckboi than this douche canoe??!

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WHO BRINGS A GUITAR TO THEIR TELEVISED ENGAGEMENT AFTER TELLING THEIR GIRLFRIEND THEY CAME ON THE SHOW FOR THE WRONG REASONS???

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Oh lawd, now Hannah’s singing the Mr. Right song. This is ultimately what she should be most indignant about. Who cares about the engagement—he manipulated her enough to sing his terrible song on TV.

All I could think as he squeaked out his engagement song—

I suppose I should back up. Lemme just say, FINALLY SOME GOOD TELEVISION! My cold, bitter heart felt a whole gamut of emotions—INCLUDING BUTTERFLIES—GAH, I’M EMBARRASSED.

But not this embarrassed.

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Tyler meets up with Neil Lane to pick her ring. And you know who’s come out looking like a real winner in this whole thing? The guy I was certain was a stupid fuckboi who was flashdancing around a construction site in his intro package. But here he is, all sincere and studly, and honestly, who should this guy be with? He should be with someone like Hannah—a football stud and a pageant queen, it just makes sense.

Then there’s Jed, the DEEP THINKER who says the oval engagement ring represents their love because the oval is a constant and they’ve always been able to come back to each other, so that’s the one he’s gonna pick. Great, just like the rest of America, Jed has seen The Lion King and knows about the Circle of Life. Seriously, shut up, Jed. But good on you for not picking a heinous pear shaped diamond, blech.

Hannah says she feels Jed is as honest with her as she is with him. RUH ROH.

Obviously Tyler is the first one to the proposal mat and her face is like really happy to see him. It’s confusing. Like she’s about to dump him, but literally, her face lit up. He gives a speech, she dumps him, he’s eyes mist fetchingly.

He’s a class act. He’s like, I’m still gonna be your biggest fan and always be rooting for you, I wish you and Jed nothing but success. AMERICA LOVES TYLER.

Time to get engaged to Weird Head Jed! 

WILL JED WALK UP STRUMMING HIS GEEE-TAR?

YES HE FUCKING WILL.

Nashville’s Ed Sheeran gives a monotone speech and then launches into a song he wrote ostensibly about their “journey” and it’s pitchy, dawg. SHE FUCKING LOVES IT THOUGH. GIRL. WHAT DO YOU SEE IN HIM? He says he’s lived 25 years of his life without her and doesn’t want to live another day. It all seems so insincere, why does she read it as sincere? Maybe you have to like know him? To understand how he communicates? They announce to camera that they’re ENGAGED and then she sings the Mr Right song and I’m so embarrassed.

Then it’s time for them to break up. Honestly, I feel terrible for Hannah that she found out about Jed’s lying ways in the People article, just like the rest of us. That sucks. Jed arrives to hash it out and all i want to know is where is he buying all these artisanal misshapen t-shirts???

Basically Jed tries to down play the entire thing, like he was just young and having fun and they weren’t exclusive even though they were going on vacations together and she was throwing him surprise birthday parties and meeting his family and he told her he loved her. Then he blames the girl for dating him when he was going to go on the show.

RECORD SCRATCH.

I hate this fool.

Then apparently after they were engaged he went home and told his friends he “won” the show and continued to act like a fuckboi and had random girls at his apartment and was frolicking with them in a pool and shit. LORD. She’s like there’s a lot that feels like career and wanting to be noticed and using me to get that. He’s like that’s not it what can I do to prove it to you? Like, yeah, it’s her problem to help you figure out your fuck up. DO NOT DO HIS EMOTIONAL LABOR FOR HIM, GIRLFRIEND.

She feels like this experience has been taken away from her because he told her half truths and lies. She feels like her agency has been stolen – all her decisions and choices. I mean, YES GIRL. Finally she puts the ring on the table and is like, I’m out.

In the studio he continues to look like the biggest dick ever, hahahaha. He wants Hannah to know he’s sorry. He admits he was not the best he could be. LOL. He says he’s sorry it hurt her family and friends and bachelor nation. LOL. Fuck you for hurting Bachelor Nation, Weird Head Jed!

She says sorry bout it, don’t love you anymore, boi bye. America cheers! But not as hard as they cheer when it’s revealed she hasn’t lost all her feels for Ty Ty. He gets a hereos welcome and I have butterflies because apparently I do believe in happy endings.

I’m biting my lip, I’m like nervous and embarrassed and hopeful. He’s very complimentary with you’re so powerful and strong and I’m so proud of you and impressed with you. He tells an adorable story about throwing up when he was nervosu on engagement day like he used to do before football games and you know I love this because THE CUTTING EDGE.

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She says he’s an incredible guy and she’s a single girl and maybe they could go for a drink! HE WOULD LOVE TO! THERE IS HOPE FOR LOVE YET!!!!

Chris says we can ship this, and it’s embarrassing. But not as embarrassing as the fact that Demi Lovato is there. GIRL.

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THE DEMOCRATS DEBATED AGAIN

THE DEMOCRATS DEBATED AGAIN

DOG FOOD (BACHELORETTE RECAP)

DOG FOOD (BACHELORETTE RECAP)